PSA - Humor (aka Dear Mother)

When people are going through a really difficult time (see my posts over the past week) and are facing not only physical impairments but also the probability of loosing a job, health insurance, accumulating bills and home all while dealing with being first time parents to a 6 week old baby - JOKES ARE NOT FUNNY! IT'S IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY TO HAVE YOU QUIP ABOUT OUR CONCERNS AND TRY TO MAKE LIGHT OF A VERY SERIOUS SITUATION. SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU ARE NOT FUNNY. AND DON'T TELL ME YOU UNDERSTAND! YOU DON'T! YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS SO QUIT TRYING TO "RELATE" TO WHAT WE'RE GOING THROUGH.

Dissolve

Dissolving "To cause to break down emotionally or psychologically; upset." http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=dissolving Dissolved Girl" by Massive Attack http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/massiveattack/dissolvedgirl.html I feel like everything that was stable around me and my family is now dissolving. So many worries bombard me every morning. I'm doing my best to take care of J through this ordeal as well as Baby but I fear that I'm neglecting them both. I focus on helping J take a shower while Baby has to chill in the crib. I barely get 5 minutes to eat before going to get Baby and spend some time with him. This entire situation is crap. This is no way to begin a new life with Baby. I can't even begin to count how many times I've cried in the bathroom over this. Hell, I'm even crying as I type this. If things don't turn for the better, it may be the end of me. I'm doing what I can to take care of J and Baby as well as keeping our home up (cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping) - somewhere in there I manage time to brush my hair and teeth and switch out of my pajamas. All I keep thinking is that there is no fucking point to this. Nothing to be learned by watching my husband suffer through so much pain, nor feeling guilty because I'm trying to take care of a baby as a new mom and J. What am I supposed to "learn" from this?! That god/karma/fate has a fucked up view on what's okay to dish out to people? Fucked up indeed. There should be a checks and balances system for god/karma/fate similar to what is in place for our government. To make sure that no one person/family gets any more crap tossed at them than anyone else. And, to make sure that people only have to deal with one "event" at a time. No more of this bombarding shitloads of stuff on people all at once. This is probably in vain, but I keep holding out hope that tomorrow (and the next day, and the next, etc) shows some improvement. Why? Who the hell knows. "Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks: I'm not ready to make nice, I'm not ready to back down, I'm still mad as hell And I don't have time To go round and round and round That is how I feel towards whatever "force" seems to think it's okay to fucking rain down this mis-fortune on J. There is no point to it. There is no reason for a decent person to have to go through this much suffering. No reason at all. Save it for the pedifiles and murders, not for those who are doing their best to be decent and responsible people.

Where it goes from here

Yesterday afternoon was nerve-racking and semi-productive. J went to see a neurosurgeon and we were told (thankfully) that he doesn't need surgery. Instead, he was able to receive a epidural/steriod shot in his back which is supposed to relieve the inflamation which will in turn relieve the pain. The herniation of the disk will still be there, but the "madness" that is going on around it and causing all of the pain should be taken care of. Here's to hoping he only needed this one shot. DR said that it can sometimes take 2-3 shots to be effective. J was such a trooper. I really hope that he doesn't have to have any more. I had an epidural during labor, so I understand how freaked out he was and how much it hurts. The difference with his is that he had all of the medicine put in at once whereas with mine the medicine was put in via an IV type bag/device and spread out evenly over time. I have to type this so that I remember. The nurse and the technician at the hospital were great! JK and KM were helpful and really helped J when he couldn't even get out of the wheelchair at first. They showed compassion and did their best to lighten the mood to help J feel a little better, even though they understood J was about to have a needle shot in his back. I am so grateful to them because of that. Also because by the time we got to the hospital (after running to the DR first and then a specialist and then the hospital) J was worn out/in pain and I was all nerves. There was so much adreneline running through us and we hadn't eaten since that morning - it was nice to come in and have them take care of us. I also must thank his parents. They came down early in the day to watch Baby so that we didn't have to take him along to all of these appointments. That was so awesome, I can't even begin to express how grateful I am. We are trying to figure out what to do for them as a thank you. They say that we don't "owe" them anything, but I have to do something. J and I were thinking of mailing them a gas card. They live 45 minutes (50 miles) away so it would definitely be something they could use. It's also moments like this when I realize how lucky I am to be married to J and to have his family like me and consider me one of their own. So many people don't get along with their in-laws and couldn't ask them for help in a pinch. I have been so fortunate. So, that's a brief summary of where things are at. The DR said it could take approx. 2 days for the medicine to get to all the affected areas and for J to feel better. Here's hoping this takes. J is already feeling better, although still sore. He will be for a little while longer, but at least it's not like it was.

The Wholeness of Me

I don't even know where to start... J has a herniated disk in his back. We already knew this. It happened from a car accident he was in during 2000. Problem is now, he can barely move and by barely I mean can't even stand to pee. There are many other things that he's limited by right now. Too many to go into. We have another DR appt today to get a referral to a specialist. Why make him go in? Just tell us over the phone! Better yet, just make the damn appt with the specialist today - lets skip a step and give J a break! I feel terrible because there's not much I can do. I help as much as I can (make lunch, arrange pillows on the floor, etc) but it sucks because none of it resolves the problem. Surgery. That is the next step, I just know it. Timing sucks. I go back to work next week. Whose going to watch out for him during the day?! He'll be off of work for a while so I have to go to my job. We can't go without money. It's been a stretch for us while I've been on maternity leave. There are so many things running through my head right now (actually, both of our heads - we're both worried) I can barely keep myself together. His parents came up this past Tuesday to help us and with Baby. I cried when they asked me how I was. Not a major sobbing session, but the tears flowed for about a minute. I NEVER do that. I admit to wearing my heart on my sleeve, but I am pretty good about having a poker face around others (at least until I can get to a bathroom where there's some privacy). In my twenties (and most of my life, actually) I never cared about anyone or anything other than myself. Sounds stereotypical, but it's true. Now, well, who the hell am I? What am I made up of? I am made up of my husband and my son. J and my son are the only things that matter to me. In this fucked up world, their happiness is all I give a damn about. I'm doing my best to hold it together, but if anything happens I'll most likely end up in a looney bin. I'll loose it in the worst of ways and there won't be a damn thing anyone can do. For the love of all that is holy - keep them happy/healthy/safe. I know that's asking a lot, but considering that there are people out there doing heinous crimes and getting away with it - I dare ask it again - For the love of all that is holy - keep them happy/healthy/safe!

Damn!

I now have "runners knee" which is when the muscles/tendons (you name it) ache and send lots of pain shooting throughout your nerves pretty much anytime you move. Great! I was doing really well with getting back into running. I had started off with a light jog to get my body back into it and now this. It sucks. Not to mention I was really hoping to not have to go buy a new set of clothes to go back to work in. I'm trying to remember that I have a son and I knew that the weight wouldn't just melt off, but I'm trying so hard only to face this set back. I'm already suffering a blow to the ego because every time I look in the mirror I see the "mama tire" belly. What a week this has been, and it's only Monday...

My Plea!

To The Great Omnipotent Power: Fix J's back so that he is no longer in pain/hunched over. He deserves better than this. Please.

Along for the Ride (The Waiting, Part 3)

I'm sitting here organizing coupons/baby stuff while Baby H enjoys his swing. It's moments like this that I don't feel so bad about buying another baby item. We're trying to not get every little thing out there, but the swing is a life saver. All Hail the Cradle Swing! LOL. Anyway, as I was sitting here I heard "The Waiting" by Tom Petty playing on the radio. I was reminded of a previous post where I referenced his song. So much has changed over the past month and a half. Some of it good, some not so much. I could've done with the first 2 weeks being easier. I suppose all first time parents would agree. Waiting for Baby H to be born was challenging, but the first 2 weeks with him here take the cake. Things are getting better. It's a slow process, but I'll take what I can get. Again, the waiting is the hardest part. :) Funny how that fits so many things in life. We had to wait to get pregnant (thank you, Body, for having your own agenda and making me crazy with not knowing what the hell was going on - NOT!),the pregnancy is a 40 week waiting game (40+1 - thank you Baby H for not being in any hurry to be born, LOL) and now waiting and watching him grow. We're just along for the ride...and what a crazy one it's sure to be.

Random Musings on a Tuesday Afternoon

When Baby H gets worked up, his fists ball up - I call them fists of fury. When he's playful (and grumpy), he kicks out his legs - frog legs. So, He's full of fists of fury and frog legs. That just makes me laugh. I wish we could get a picture of it. Maybe someday. I must also express my dear appreciation for the cradle swing that we just got. Baby loves to be rocked and this does the trick. Plus, it goes great right next to the treadmill so I can jog and still keep an eye on him. It's beautiful. The only drawback is that I have to turn it off and wake him up. It's time for him to eat and I don't want him to sleep all day since we're slowly getting into some kind of day/night schedule. Ahhh, he's so cute and relaxed. I hate having to be the mean mom and wake him. There'll be hell to pay, though, if he goes much longer without a diaper change and food. LOL!

So a lot has happened. Well, to me anyway. Baby H is getting better with his sleep schedule. It's not great, but better. I'm knocking on wood that he keeps it up and that he'll sleep for longer stretches of time. :) I'm still overwhelmed. Not as much as before. The past 2 weeks have helped us get into a semi-groove. I'm now starting to feel time going by too fast since I have to go back to work in just over two weeks. I don't mind working, just wish I could've gotten more time off. When I start to dwell on it I wish we lived in Canada. I've read that they are required to have the first year off. I haven't done that much research on it, so I don't know how true it is, but if so - damn that would be nice. I can't think/write about that anymore. That just adds to the overwhelming feeling. Of course, there is also the breastfeeding/formula dilema. For whatever reason, Baby H spits up an insane amount after he has breastmilk. Even with regular milk based formula he spits up. We've got him on Enfamil ProSobee (a soy based formula) and he still spits up, but it's more like drool. I admit that I'm disappointed. I really want to give him the breastmilk, but with all of the spit up - well, I just don't know what to do. For now, I'm pumping it and freezing it. It lasts for quite a while in a deep freezer, so I'm hoping to be able to give it to him eventually. Still, disappointed. What makes me chuckle right now is that instead of grabbing my nice purse when we go out, I now grab a diaper bag and stuff my wallet in one of the already full pockets. I'm sure they make really stylish diaper bags, but from what I've seen you either get practical and decent looking or you get not practical at all and stylish. Speaking of going out, it's pretty nice so we're going for a walk. I totally need it. I dared to try on a suit today (to get ready to go back to work) and was defeated when I saw the size. I didn't balloon up with weight gain during the pregnancy and have lost 35 pounds already, but it's just hanging out around my hips and "mama belly". It's been a struggle to not eat total crap all day out of depression. We'll see how the next 1 1/2 week goes. Maybe there's hope yet.

AHHHH

There is nothing that will prepare you for sleep deprivation, nor the shell of a woman you'll become because of it! Baby is great, but his schedule is all over the place and I'm still trying to figure it out. That's where we're having our bump. I don't think I've checked my email less or spent less time on the pc than this week with him. I feel out of the loop! The thing that frightens me is how to make this lack of sleep/relatively normal schedule work when I go back to work. It seems impossible that Baby will settle into some routine or that I'll get anything more than 30 minutes of restless sleep. Everyone says it will work out. That the first 2 weeks are the hardest. I certainly hope so.

Baby H is Here!

He arrived last Tuesday (4/25/06) at 3:09 pm. He weighed 8 lbs 5 oz and was 21 1/2 inches long. Dad is great, Baby is great, Mom is really freaking tired! More details to come.

Creature of Habit

Per DR, I start leave tomorrow. Add some elevated blood pressure and swelling and it's rest time for me before Baby H arrives. Technically he should have been here yesterday, but we'll give hime the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he knew of the fiasco/bizarro birth of the TomKat baby and didn't want to have anything in common with that! In that case, kudos to you Baby H! 35 minutes to go and I'll be done for just over 6 weeks. I've gotten everything in order here as much as possible. It's a very odd feeling, knowing that I'm going to have quite some time off of work. Even though I'll be back (it's a good job and I like it as well as the people), it just seems like so long. Not that I'm complaining because once baby is here, I'll probably wish I had more time. :) I think it's because of the routine of work. Get up in the morning, get ready, drive to work and get stuff done from 8-5, then go home. I've been told that I won't have much of a routine once baby is here, that I'll be more at his "mercy" than anything else. That could be interesting because I'm a creature of habit. I thrive on routine, LOL! It's just going to be weird. I'll have to live with/adjust to it. It's really starting to sink in that by this time next week, Baby H should be here. If he doesn't make his appearance on his own, next Tuesday DR and nurses will "help" him out(whether he likes it or not - LOL). A year ago I couldn't imagine being at this point. What was I doing a year ago? Still trying to get AF on my own and dealing with all of the trials/tribulations that come with that. How far things have come! Crazy. Just crazy...

Question of the Day - Induction

So I ask a few people about inductions: what they're like, questions to ask my DR, etc. I had no idea I'd start a debate and require a flame suit for some of the responses! I was only asking a question, people! As you may have already guessed, Baby H is not here yet and technically isn't due until tomorrow. Yes, I'm anxious for things to get started, but I'm not going to opt for anything that will harm him. I have a DR appt tomorrow and we'll be talking about inductions because I'll be 40 weeks and it's something that may come up. I want to get as much info as I can, even if I won't need it at all and Baby H comes on his own. Plus, DR would schedule the induction between 41 and 42 weeks. Seems fair to me. Anyone have any input about this stuff, without throwing a 3 year old temper tantrum in my direction? You know, it pisses me off because it's not like I'm considering this at 24 weeks because I don't want to get stretch marks or something superficial like that. Baby is due and it's something that will have to be considered. People need to calm the fuck down. There a larger issues to be concerned about other than whether I choose to be induced and whether that happens at 41 or 42 weeks!

The Waiting, Part 2

So another DR appointment has come and gone - no change/progress since the last appointment last week. In fact, I've been the same for a month. Baby is just not in a hurry to come out. DR did strip the membranes which may or may not help things get going. From what I've been able to research, the jury is still out on that. I figure it can't hurt to help things along, or at least try to anyway. If Baby isn't here by next week, then DR will schedule an induction for the following week. That'll put me 1 week over due, but it will also give Baby one more week to come on his own. I hope things start soon. I know it's going to be painful, a lot of work when Baby gets here, etc, and because of that I'd just like to get on with it! The waiting part makes me nuts.

"Are you in launch mode yet?"

I've been chuckling about this for the past 10 minutes. A male co-worker just asked me this and it was all I could do to not snort out my diet pepsi through my nose! Got to love men! They come up with some doosies sometimes!

Crap Shoot (aka - waiting / catch 22)

"The waiting is the hardest part." - Tom Petty As I sit here and watch Baby squirm around, I am reminded how anxious I am for him to be born. I know it will be painful and I'll probably be a shell of a woman by the time it's over - but I'm just anxious. I really don't care for not knowing when something is going to happen, like when Baby will be born. I mean, it is literally up in the air and I have no say in when things will get started. None at all. I guess that is why it seems like the birth will never get here - because I have no real "time frame" to go by. Sure, I have a due date, but that is tentative as well. It's a crap shoot. This will probably drive me nuts. I also know that when he gets here I'll be responsible for another person besides myself. That is a frightening thought as well. Makes me wonder why in the hell I'm so anxious for Baby to be born! I can't explain it. It's a catch 22. Another crap shoot.

ZZZZ - Huh? What? (Part 2)

Well, DR appt went fine. Typical in and out (check Baby's heartbeat, internal exam, questions?), which is normal for me at this point. Still no change (in dialation/effacement) from last week, which was no different from the week before and the week before that. That is a bit depressing because I'd hoped that there would be some progress. This "no change" business is for the birds.

ZZZZZZZZZ

I'm going to whine here today, so if you don't want to read a pregnant woman's sleep deprived rant - well then go away! Over the past 2 nights I may have managed a total of 8 hours (maybe). Between the infamous time change debacle that we are subjected to twice a year, the rotten egg smell that permeates the apartment building hallways (due to lots of rain, questionable plumbing, and being in the building at the bottom of the hill), and having to get up to pee 4-5 times per night - well, it's no wonder. I've heard comments like "It's an example of what's to come when baby gets here." and I want to slap the mouth those words came from! Sure, they may be true to a certain degree - however the last thing this pregnant lady wants to hear is that 1) there's more of this to come and 2) be "talked down to" like I should already know this and how dare I be upset at getting no sleep. All I really want (besides sleep) is a sympathetic ear. I spent the better portion of last night bawling because I was so frustrated. My only consolation was feeling Baby H moving around. Of course, he was probably worked up because of me. I feel bad for that. Hopefully he doesn't hold any ill-will toward me for it. Fast forward to this morning and it's all I can do to not lose it at work. When I'm tired I get cranky and my emotions are like a neon sign over my head. I'll make it through, I did yesterday. Although I'll have less humor about things. My weekly DR appt is in a few hours. Maybe she'll give me good news, although the only good news would be that it's time for Baby H to be born. I know that's a crap shoot because I haven't been having any contractions to speak of. At least none that I can identify as contractions. I wonder what options will be available on my due date in 2 weeks? Will they make me wait it out until I'm overdue? As I type these questions it kind of sinks in that there are only (technically) 2 weeks left in my pregnancy. 2 weeks - that isn't a lot of time when you stop and think about it. That's potentially *only* 2 more weekends for J and I to be a couple. 2 weeks for us to be able to just get up and go whenever we want without a second thought, watch whatever movie we want - basically just DO WHATEVER WE WANT TO DO. Hmmm...

Only a few more weeks

January 1, 2006 March 26, 2006 No wonder my belly keeps poking out from under my shirts! This baby can come any time now!

In Awe

I was going back over some past posts about Baby. It's amazing to think that 3 months ago I was just starting to really feel him move around and now he stretches out to the point where I walk around with a lopsided belly sometimes. LOL! I was also comparing the very first u/s pic to the most recent one in January. September 2005 January 2006 It's amazing to see how much he's grown. It's also leaves me speechless to see how we go from the most basic cells to human beings. Everything has to come together in a certain way - and they do it completely on their own. I have no control over this. The only "control" I have is to take care of myself (eating, being active, etc) and the rest takes care of itself. It's times like this that I am truly in awe. As I was looking over the previous posts, I re-read the ones about going to the RE and the first time I took the pregnancy test. I could hardly believe it. After months of my body doing it's own thing, J and I actually trying to have a baby, numerous negative tests - it finally happened. Here I am now, with Baby doing his groove thing in my ribs! As much as I hate looking at the dimples on my legs and the ever rising numbers on the scale, I have been very fortunate. These past 8 1/2 months have been relatively pain free. Sure there have been aches, a head cold, leg cramps - but in the scope of things I've been pretty lucky w/no morning sickness, no gestational diabetes, or any of the other potential things that can occur during pregnancy. Now, of course I'm not that naive. I know labor and delivery are right around the corner. I may be writing another post solely about pain! LOL! I'm also nervous/anxious about it. The whole "fear" of the unknown. From what I understand, I will know no pain like this in my life! That's calming, isn't it?! I'm still being cautiously optimistic - keeping my guard up while still trying to ease into the last stage of being pregnant. I'm in awe that I made it this far. (Now excuse me, I must poke at/play with my baby's foot/leg/knee/arm/butt or whatever is wriggling against my rib and bladder).

So after looking at this last u/s pic, I can deal w/some dimples on my legs. :)

Name That Part

Since baby has been getting larger, J and I have been playing name that body part - whether it's a heel, foot, butt, head - you name it we've been trying to guess it. So far, it seems his rear-end is on my right side in my ribs. This makes it very possible that the small round bump just above my belly button is a heel. That's about all we have for now. It's not as easy as some make it out to be, trying to guess what is poking where. So, 6.5 weeks to go. Well, give or take because babies have a mind of their own and will come when they are damn good and ready to. :) It has gone by so quickly. Even though it's 3/7 (beginning of March), in a week it'll be middle of March. Time is flying and so is this pregnancy. Overall, it's been pretty uneventful. Well, in terms of pain/morning sickness/fatigue. I've been pretty fortunate, I know that. There are many who feel terrible throughout the entire time. That's not to say that I've made it this far unscathed! Even with my walking on a regular basis, I've managed to get a few dimples on my upper legs. A bit depressing since I used to run before getting pregnant and had a decent amount of muscle tone. Now, well, it's in hiding. LOL. I keep telling myself, soon enough I'll be able to get back into running. It's like a pep talk I have to keep repeating in order to not go completely mental. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. I'm so anxious to meet baby H. Not that I want to rush things. I'm just excited. And petrified. There are so many things to learn - I hope that "mothers instinct" kicks in quickly.

Stretch

This is my son! LOL! Well at least it seems so from the way he is moving. Some women have more kicks, I have rolls and stretches! It's cool to watch my belly expand but at the same time I wonder how on earth it can withstand the pressure! I'm also wondering what I'm going to be in for over the next 7 weeks. He's only going to get bigger which means I'm only going to get bigger! I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

63 degrees outside and I'm stuck in the office. I have some serious cabin fever! Not to mention, there's only an hour left in the work day and I'm antsy as hell to start the weekend. We get to have our baby shower tomorrow afternoon and I'm anxious to see what we'll get. Not much has been purchased off our registry, but I'm hopeful that people won't give us the shaft. So, an hour to go and nothing to do. Just trying to keep/look busy, because otherwise I'd fall asleep at my desk out of boredom. I'm grateful that my Friday hasn't been hectic and hopefully no one will give my last minute work to do at 15 til 5. I'd like to end the week as caught up as I am right now. I've been watching baby move a good portion of the day. He's definitely getting stronger. I've also noticed he tends to roll and stretch more than kick. From what I've heard, I should be grateful for that (LOL) and I am. I'm happy to feel him moving any time of the day or night. Even when it's 3 AM, I'm thrilled. It actually helps me get back to sleep after the 3-4 times I get up to pee now. J and his dad have been working on refurbishing a dresser for baby. Since today was so nice, they put a coat of stain on and from what J said, it matches really well w/the crib. I can't wait to see it. We paid $75 plus materials for it and it's all made of real wood! Try to find that in any store now and pay less than $250.00! Not going to happen! We found this dresser at a consignment shop. All it needed was a little TLC and it's good as new. Hopefully there will be a few more decent days so that the 2nd coat of stain can be applied and it will be done. Once we get a final picture of it, I'll post it along side one of it before the work. Things are coming together for baby. Crib is together, dresser is almost done, car seat is ready, I've washed a few clothes and blankets. We still need to baby proof sockets and cabinets, move cleaning products up, that kind of stuff. I'm very excited.

Getting Over It

So, I'm letting work be what it will be. I'll deal w/them as each situation comes up. That's not to say that the incessant comments about not taking leave/bringing baby to work aren't still pissing me off. I hear them 4x a day and each time they un-nerve me just a bit more than the last. I'll deal with it. I was thinking the other day that we're in the single digits as far as weeks left in my pregnancy. 9 weeks to go, give or take a day or two. It seems like yesterday was Christmas and I didn't have much of a belly to show off to anyone. Now, well, it's not hard to miss. I'm not humongous, but at least I look pregnant now. I wonder how people will react this weekend at my baby shower?! Most haven't seen me since mid-December. I hope they don't all start patting the belly. I guess I can deal with it if they do. At least I know these people, as opposed to someone out of the blue walking up to me and doing that in the grocery store. God help the person who does that! LOL! The Rock's raised eye look will have nothing on the evil eye I give to a stranger who even looks like they might start patting my belly! Anyway, back to it. J and I have gotten a lot accomplished. Baby's room is pretty much ready. We've got to stain the dresser, but that won't happen until the temperature warms up a bit more. Otherwise, every thing is pretty much ready. I should wash some more outfits to at least get baby through the first week. I'm hesitant because we don't know how big baby will be. I don't want to wash too much and not have him fit into them. 9 weeks to go. Crazy! Just crazy!

Of Course!

Addendum to the list below: #13 Well of course "I'll only be a phone call away" while on maternity leave. You can call me with any questions/work that needs to be handled while I'm trying to figure out exactly how to take care of a newborn. Fat chance motherfuckers! If the calls aren't from J or parents, you can fuck off! Seriously, FUCK YOU!

As the Belly Grows

and other points that are pissing me off/making me cry today. Baby H is doing well. He's not so much kicking as squirming around and it's awesome! I'm excited to hold him in my arms, but I admit I'll miss feeling him move around in the belly! 9 weeks to go! Hardly seems like time has gone by that fast! It's pretty obvious that I'm pregnant now. I remember just a few months ago when I was longing to look it. Finally, it is here! Of course, with this comes comments from people when I check out at the store about when baby's due, is it a boy/girl, etc. I don't mind the questions right now. Hopefully I won't get pissy as the time goes by and I get closer (and bigger) to the big day. This takes me to my next "topic"/vent of things that are pissing me off! Not to mention most of them are making me cry as well. Damn hormones anyway! 1. People (mostly men) who make me get out of the way when walking down a hallway! Hello you fucking asshole, I'm the pregnat one. Give me a break! 2. Turning in my paperwork for my annual review and having my boss say to me, "Oh, I forgot all your review." Yeah, thanks a fucking lot! I totally feel needed in your department now! 3. Getting my work area/procedure manual all up to date so that the part time pussy wimp girl has a clue as to what she's doing while I'm on maternity leave only to have her make one particular procedures 10x harder than it really is. 4. Having my boss (and now the receptionist and pussy wimp girl) tell me I don't need to take maternity leave, they'll just set up a bassinet in my work area. Gee, what fucking generosity you have! Fuck you! 5. Having #4 repeated 2-3 a day. Again I say, FUCK YOU! 6. Posting an online job listing for a position I've expressed interest in for over a year. My damn BA degree is in the field and I have a fair amount of experience doing said job. When I approaced my boss about it, she says, "Oh, you were still interested in that?" No, I only put it in my review sheet last year and have talked about it off and on for over a fucking year - just because. 7. All of the opportunities on my review sheet last year were taken away from me. No reason only than they couldn't find anyone to do my current job. So, apparently, fuck me. 8. The realization that I'll never get promoted here. There's no one to do my job (they don't want to go through the work of hiring someone) so I'm stuck here with empty "opportunities". Fuck me again, only this time bent over with a chainsaw. 9. Hitting the publish post before I was fucking done, damnit! 10. Having to have a meeting regarding #3 because pussy wimp girl can't find an answer on her own. 11. Knowing that the meeting in #10 isn't going to matter one fucking bit because they're going to do things they're own fucking way (backasswards) while I'm out anyway. 12. Getting the shaft at my annual review. At least they could compensate me for the stuff they said I'd get to do last year and then took away from me. Can you tell I'm really pissed off. I've just had enough of being treated like shit. I'd really like to catch a break! Whether it's with this company or else where, I don't know that I care right now. I'd just like to catch a fucking break!

Friday Afternoon Fun

You are Bettie Page Girl next door with a wild streak You're a famous beauty - with unique look And the people like you are cultish about it What Famous Pinup Are You?

A-ok

Well, the glucose test came back fine so Yay! Of course, this week I've indulged in more sweet stuff than ever. LOL! Guess it's time to get back on track. :) We had another u/s yesterday and all is loooking well. Baby is about 3 pounds and growing right on track. He's been "quiet" over the past day, though, which may be from getting worked over yesterday by the u/s tech. Trying to get measurements, etc the tech had a hell of a time because Baby was moving all over. Too funny! I know that some complain that the kicks hurt, but I don't mind. They're a reminder that he's awake and ok.

I'm finally starting to look pregnant now, instead of "fluffy" or "thick" LOL. I've been kind of playing with Baby H for the past 10 minutes. He's pretty active right now and not only can I feel him moving around, I am starting to be able to see him move my shirt! Every time he'd move, I'd rub that spot on my belly and sometimes he'd move in that spot again. Of course, I'd rub back, etc. We've been doing this for almost 10 minutes. It's a trip, that's for sure. I had to to the glucose screening test this morning. The "concentrated sugar" drink wasn't too bad, but man I was jittery afterwards. Poor Baby H was too! My whole belly was moving because he was sooo hyped up. I must've looked silly because while I was waiting to have a blood draw done, I was staring at my belly watching him go. From what I've read, he weighs just over 2 pounds and is about 15 inches long head to foot. That's very cool to think about, but I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he fits inside me! It really does boggle the mind. I was also thinking how fast this has gone. I'm in the last trimester and my appts are now every 2 weeks. I'm anxious for each one and thankful that I don't have to wait an entire month anymore. I've pretty much written off work for the rest of the day. LOL. I'm having too much fun w/Baby H.

Hmmm

I was thinking about baby being able to start hearing things now and possibly being one of "those" people who play music, etc to them in utero. Then I started thinking about how he may react to it, which then led me to remembering when I first felt him move around inside. It was around the beginning of December and J and I were driving to his parents for a belated Thanksgiving. J had put Massive Attack in the CD player and sometime during the first two songs, I felt muscle spasms/flutters in my belly. It wasn't painful, but it was different from the gassy feelings everyone says you'll feel when baby starts moving. I was excited and freaked out at the same time. Excited to possibly be feeling baby, freaked out because there was indeed something growing in my belly that didn't require a trip to the bathroom! I told J about it and we talked about it and various other things. Somehow, we got on the subject of playing music/reading to him as he grew, etc, etc. It was cool. We wondered what kind of music we should play and all that. We decided that Massive Attack might be a good option, since it got such a response from him already. I've thought about playing it in my car on the way to work so see if I get a response from baby. Maybe I'll try different styles. Am I bad for "toying" w/my child before he's even born?! LOL!

4 1/2 Months to Go

Baby H is moving around quite a bit now. Hell, last night we even saw him kick against my belly - which was kind of creepy as visions of "Alien" ran through my head! LOL! I can tell he's getting stronger because I can feel him more often. It used to be that I had to be very still and focus on any movement in/around my belly. Now, just sitting here I can feel him moving around doin' his groove thing. :) The infamous glucose test is coming up in 2 weeks. Not really looking forward to it and from what I've heard, no pregnant woman ever does. I've also learned that many "fail" the first one hour test and have to go back for a 3 hour test! I'm trying to eat well, but not too far off from how I've been eating already. As much as I don't want to deal with this, if I do end up getting gestational diabetes then I want to know so that it can be controlled. I'm hoping, hoping, HOPING that I pass the first test and don't have to eliminate my favorite sweet splurges! After this month, I get to go to the DR visits every other week! I'm excited because a) it means that I'm in the last trimester and that much closer to having Baby H in my arms and b) I get to leave work for a while. Who doesn't love that! It doesn't seem like I should be this far along already. Only 4 1/2 months to go. That is assuming my edd is accurate and I don't end up overdue.

Pregnancy 101

So there are many things that one learns during pregnancy. What foods to avoid, the amount of caffeine allowed, symptoms of gas, etc, etc. What do they leave out? Well let me tell you! That EVERY DAMN OVER THE COUNTER MEDICINE HAS A PREGNANCY WARNING ON IT! From a simple cough drop to vicks vapor rub - yup, there's the warning! God forbid you actually catch a cold and need something to help! As you might have guessed, yes I have said head cold and had to wallow in it for 1 1/2 days until I could call DR and find out what is okay to take. It was so insane it was funny, I kid you not, everything has a pregnancy warning. I could hardly believe it! I would've been laughing my ass off if it weren't for the hacking cough that would've ensued because I'd shaken loose the congestion in my head. Anyway, that's my vent! Other than that, I'm enjoying being pregnant. For the most part, anyway. I don't think anyone enjoys gaining weight, only sleeping on their side at night or the gas that creeps up whether you eat one cookie or an entire 4 course dinner. (gurgle on gas bubble, gurgle on)

The Minister of Silly Walks

Hump Day Fun

take the WHAT INTENTIONAL TORT ARE YOU test. and go to mewing.net. because law school made laura do this. It's all about intimidation! Grrr! I'm so loving Attorney Wrangler! The funniest stuff if posted whether it be some quiz (see above) or the job. I know about as much legalese as a bird knows about hockey, but it just gives me a good laugh.

It's A...

Baby H is a boy! J and I are very excited and are now working out names. If you were a fly on the wall you'd get a good laugh at some of the ones we've come up with. We've decided to not tell anyone else, though, when we do decide. They get to know the gender, they have to wait for a name. Plus, I don't want to hear comments about the name we choose. People can have NO TACT WHATSOEVER and be quite rude when it comes to stuff like that and frankly, I'd probably smack the person who makes a snarky comment. So, in addition to finding real names for Baby H, we're also working on fake names to give everyone else. LOL! Being fans of Monty Python, we thought of Minister of Silly Walks and another one that's like 25 names all together. Don't ask me to write it because I can't remember a single one of them! This should be fun! As for me, well, I'm still adjusting. I still don't look like I'm pregnant. Seriously, it looks like I've eaten a big dinner and that's about it. I keep seeing all of these other pregnant women w/the cute bellies and I long for that soooo much. It's like, if I'm going to be gaining weight and all then I want the belly to go with it. Of course, in a few months I'll be cursing myself because then I probably will have a huge belly! It's a catch 22. The other reason for wanting a belly is so that I can wear maternity tops and not look foolish! Tis the season for holiday parties, etc and it's getting more difficult to find tops/sweaters to wear. If I go with just a size larger than I wore pre-pg then the bottom is too short and my quasi belly pokes out. If I go in maternity top, the bottom hangs down and looks like a clown suit! Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I wanted to be pg for quite a while (in comparison to some, of course) and earlier this year thought it would never happen. I'm soooooo very grateful to be pg and have everything go smoothly so far. It's just an adjustment that has its bumps. Clothing companies would make a killing in creating "transitional" clothing for pg ladies. Sure there's some stuff out there, but it's mainly pants/jeans. Find me a top/sweater that isn't full blown maternity and I'd go ape over that! Give me twenty!

sofa king

I love stumbling across new slang. The one I read today read: "sofa king stupid" (courtesy of wwdn-see links) I've been trying to figure out when/where I can use it. I don't know why I like it other than it makes me laugh a little.

Hope for the Best

All seems to be going well with Baby H. The ultrasound looked good and we got to see the baby move like a kung fu master at one point, it was hilarious. That being said, I am learning humility during this pregnancy. Not that I've been overly arrogant like "Look what I've done!" "Look how cute I am." blah, blah, blah. But after really good appointments, I do tend to get overconfident. As if I have any control over what happens with this pregnancy. So after the great ultrasound, started to feel real confident and within a few hours found that I was spotting. This can be common during pregnancy, but since I haven't had any - well, it freaked me out something fierce! And knocked me back down to reality! Let me say, everything is fine. Haven't spotted since that day, which is a relief. Just an example of how I'm learning to be humble in regards to this. It's not like I'm overly religious, but am just learning to respect the whole process A LOT MORE! This is not something I anticipated having to "learn". I've read articles about women summing up pregnancy in one word and they usually say: miracle, annoying, long - that kind of stuff. For me, I'm going back to humbling. If for no other reason than the fact that I have no control over how the pregnancy will progress. All I can do is eat the best that I can, get some exercise and hope for the best.

I am Kung Fu Master. I like to be in control of myself. I dislike crowds, especially crowds containing people trying to kill me. Even though I always win, I prefer to avoid fights if possible. What Video Game Character Are You? or I am Jetpac Man. I love the outdoors; the sense of freedom, of adventure. I love the sensation of free-fall, and would parachute and bungee jump on a moment's notice. I know where I want to be, and I strive to get there, making great effort to collect what I need. I let nothing stand in my way. What Video Game Character Are You? It's a toss up.

What the hell :)

I saw this listed on Nico's site and thought what the hell! :) I'm bored at work and had a few minutes so here goes: Accent: Midwestern. I don't hear it, but when I call someone on the coast, they can. Bra size: For now DD. Ask me again after baby's born! Chore I hate: Cleaning the bathrooms Dad's name: Michael Essential make-up: Lipstick Favorite perfume: Only J's. - Currently Ralph Lauren's Romance, but also Tommy T. Gold or Silver: Silver Hometown: Wichita, KS Interesting fact: That I don't have any.... Job title: Admin Asst. Now that's boring! LOL! Kids: One in progress. Boy - Cillian Lee / Girl - Evelyn Leigh (Can you guess, Lee/Leigh is a family name on J's side.) Living arrangements: 2 Bedroom apt Mom's Birthplace: No idea Number of apples eaten in last week: Zip Number of apples eaten in entire life? Maybe 20 Overnight hospital stays: None Phobia: Bugs! I hate them. Oh, and needles, but I hate bugs more. Question you ask yourself a lot: What the fuck?! Religious affiliation: Agnostic, but I attend Lutheran church w/J. What does that mean? No idea. A compromise, if you will. Plus, there are no true non denominational churches here. Siblings: None Time I wake up: 6:15am Unnatural hair color: In high school I dyed my bangs white and left the rest brown. Vegetable I refuse to eat: Okra. I've tried it and it's slimy! Worst habit: Being critical/over analytical. X-rays: Dentist, a chest x-ray to check everything out after quitting smoking. Yummy food I make: Macarroni and cheese. Zodiac sign: Scorpio

So Far So Good

Test results came back within normal range, so that's a relief. Now is the countdown until the u/s - 18 days to go. I'm very excited and hope Baby H cooperatives and shows us whether we should say he or she! It'll be nice to have "current" pics of baby too. The last time I saw baby was at almost 7 weeks. So much has changed, I can't wait to see! Sure there are websites that can show pictures of the development, etc. But I want to see my baby, not some image of what he/she should look like!

A Sigh of Relief (for now)

The appt. went well. Baby H's heartbeat was strong and in the 150's. Didn't take much time for the DR to find it either, which was a relief! Everything appears to be going well. Of course, I'm a glutton for punishment and decided to have the triple screen blood test done. It's not so much a diagnosis and just to determine the "risk factor" of the baby having spinal problems/Down Syndrome. My DR knows me well! She kept saying not to panic if the results come back abnormal and that the test just indicates if I would need more testing. I'm hoping that everything is normal. Even though she says not to panic, you know I will! At this point, we don't have reason to believe that there could be problems. No one on J's or my side of the family has had Downs or any other genetic problems. That's one good think in our favor. Plus, I've been taking vitamins w/folic acid for almost a year before getting pregnant and have continued taking the prenatals, so hopefully there shouldn't be any spinal concerns either. All we can do is wait and see. The results should be back in a week. 7 days and counting...........

Cautiously Optimistic

I have my next appt on Thursday. Hoping that baby is still growing strong. Hoping to hear the heartbeat. Scared. 2 people I know have miscarried and we were all very close in due dates - only about a week apart. It's hard to wait another day and a half. Part of me, wtf, most of me, wants to go the ER with some story that I've been cramping a lot and can we check on things. The other part of me knows not to tempt fate that way! Trying to be patient and optimistic, and it's a bitch!

Here's A Thought!

"I just have to share this again today because Im so freaking excited!! We told all of our parents (6 of them! LOL) that we are PG last night!! My mom must have called me back like 10 times to talk about stuff and to tell me she wants to be called Nana" Message Board Poster on 10/20/05 So that is how your mother is supposed to respond! Someone should tell that to mine. Mother-in-Law has called twice to "check up" on us and see how everything is going. MY MOTHER was "forced" to call me only because J called her and told her that she might want to show some interest in her only daughter and the pregnancy! For fucks sake, she was the one who was harassing J and I about having children and her wanting to be a grandparent only a few months ago! Shit, MIL has already asked where we're registered at and has told us that she'll be helping us buy the crib. What has my mother done? Jack shit! She only does stuff when her hand is forced and even then it's difficult. Ugh, I wish I had a magic answer to figure out what to do. I've tried the have a deep talk with her, one on one and all that crap! She puts up a wall and doesn't take it down. I keep hoping for some miracle change. I keep hoping that she'll blow all of my assumptions/opinions about her out of the water and prove me wrong. I keep hoping that she'll do more than feign interest in me. Sometimes I wonder why she even bothers? Why pretend to care if all you'd rather do is be off by yourself? That's the impression I get. Then I wonder why do I get so worked up by her?! If that's the way she wants to be, then let her. But why does it bother me soo much? Probably because she's my mother and I'd like to have a decent relationship with her like many other mother-daughters do. I guess it stems from me holding out hope that she'll prove me wrong and really be interested in my life. I guess I should put that hope to bed. She hasn't changed since I was a little girl so the chances of her doing something different now are, well...........I'm not going to hold my breath.

Guilty Pleasures

Sometimes I just want to surf the web and see what new gems I can find. Today it was Attorney Wrangler. After reading through a few posts, I was "hooked". I don't know what it is, but I'm collecting quite a list of sites/blogs that I have to check daily! Some people have to have a double espresso mocha everyday or have the sports ticker running on their PC at all times. Me, I have my own. I can't say what it is about them. Maybe it's just a way to escape from the ho-humness that creeps up during the day sometimes. I don't care. I like them and they're fun to read!

AAAHHH!

Thank god for having access to pc's elsewhere! Mine crashed a few weeks ago and I've been a "nomad" for a while! I must brag about TigerDirect! I ordered everything through them and built my new one in no time flat. That is, once I got everything. Their shipping is great, but when you want it all to come in one shipment to save $$ of cost, well it takes a little bit longer. All is better, though. My new one is better, faster, stronger.....LOL! It Rocks! I sound like a fucking commercial! HA! I don't care! I have my PC back! Now, I just need to get FrontPage and I'll be back in business for my websites. That and to attempt to find the email addresses that USED to be in my outlook. I should've printed the contact list out as a backup a while ago - oh well. Too late for that now. Upward and onward! It's Friday. It's Fall. It's cool enough (hell, 32 degrees!) to wear sweaters that cover my bloated belly pooch that has yet to develop into a preggo belly. Ugh, this has got to be right up there with being the worst point in being pregnant. I'm sure labor takes the cake, but this "in-between" period sucks! People can tell I've gained some weight, but I just look overly bloated and not pregnant! I hope I pop soon. I don't need the huge belly yet, but a little one would be nice so that people can tell I'm preggers not fat. All in due time I suppose. Not feeling so mean lately. Still emotional and I don't have as much of a thick skin as before but I'm hanging in there.

The Bean

Our Announcement to the parents & The bean in early September. Things are going well so far. J and I got to hear the heartbeat a week ago (11 weeks) which was a relief! I wish I could listen to it more often - it seems like a dream!

You hear about all these different symptoms of being pregnant like morning sickness, moodiness, bloating, etc, etc, etc. Well, how about MEAN! Actually, that doesn't even come close to how I feel. I am a downright bitch! HA! And I'm not sorry about it! Of course, as long as you don't piss me off, you're as good as gold. Push my buttons, though, and hell hath no furry like mine! Example: There is a sales rep who is Mr. Goody-2-shoes - he can do no wrong, blah, blah, blah. However, he's also quite insecure! How do I know? Simple, last week he went to my boss and "tattle taled" on me because I didn't say "good morning" to him! What the fuck?! I don't say good morning to 1/2 the people in this place. There's no ill will intended, I'm just trying to get to my desk and get started. **Not too mention I've told this smuck that I'm not a morning person a million times since I've started here almost 3 years ago. He should fucking know by now! Anyway, back to my bitchiness. Since he had to go cry to my boss that I was being mean, I'm going to show him what fucking mean really is! I'll give him something to fucking cry about! I swear to god! What, are we in fucking kindergarten? You know, if he would've asked me directly if I was okay or something like that, then I would've been fine with it and made up some pansy answer to get him off my back and let him be. No biggie. But now, well, he's stirred the pot and I don't care how fucking mean I am to him. People want to "blame" it on being pregnant - fine. However, I'd act the same way even if I wasn't pregnant. As if that wasn't enough, J and I are going to tell the family this weekend. We had chosen this date after we made sure that everyone would be able to come. Find out last night that my SIL has a wedding to go to and she thinks that would be all that she could handle! (Back story - SIL has gone mental. I don't mean that in a harsh way, but over the past 2 years she's been in and out of the pycho ward. Lately, it's seemed that she's using it as a crutch/excuse not to do things-example: last xmas we had to wait 3 hours past when we were going to eat lunch and open presents because of her. When she did show up, we got no apology, nothing.) Anyway, I'm pissed off at her because we "claimed" the date a month in advance and damnit we're family! This wedding just appeared out of no where last week! I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of it always being about her! Hmmm, it would probably be a good idea if I just stayed away from people today! LOL!

The cat is out of the bag

So I was talking to one person at work (who already knows I'm pregnant) and a couple nosy people overheard - one of them at the top of his lungs said: "You're Pregnant!" He meant well, but jesus could he have lowered his voice a bit! Anyway, it's now going to spread like wildfire. Not exactly the way I'd hoped to have it happen. I would've liked to have waited until my next appt in 2 weeks before announcing anything. Oh well. They would've figured it out eventually. (I feel like I've tempted fate by having the news come out sooner than I'd hoped. Paranoia is starting to take hold.)

Rubberband, Man!

I've had to resort to the rubber band trick today for my pants! I'm slowly growing out of my clothes, well my pants anyway, which is making my work wardrobe shrink. I've already had to put one suit in the back of the closet, now I'm on a pair of slacks. I'm kind of sad about loosing key items in my closet, but I understand why. I totally don't want to go anywhere near the maternity clothes aisles until I get past the first trimester. Even though my OB said there's only a 10% chance of miscarriage, it's still a possibility that I can't ignore. I feel that I'd be tempting fate if I did any shopping or told anyone I'm expecting (other than those that have to know ie-my boss and well, this blog). Here's to hopefully making my current clothes last 4 more weeks. At that point, then I may calm down a bit more and brave the maternity section.

16 Days and Counting

I hate having to wait to tell people about the baby. Especially when it's something as big as this! In 2 weeks we're going to tell the family. In 3 weeks I have my next OB appt and (hopefully everything is going well) then I'll "officially" announce it at work. I've actually already told my boss simply because I'd have more DR appts to go to. This year has been nortorious for those - what with going to the OB 4 times after initially going off of bcp and no AF to seeing an RE. I figured she should know that I'm not just taking long lunches for nothing! So anyway, J and I have already worked out an idea of how to tell the family. We made pictures of the u/s and are going to put them inside grandma/grandpa frames. Those frames are going to be wrapped up in tissue paper and put inside a box. On top of the box, we're going to put another picture of J's and my feet alongside baby shoes. It's kind of hard to explain so I'll post it later. We figure the picture of our feet may be subtle enough, but just in case - well, that's where the u/s pics in the frames will make it really obvious! LOL! I think they'll get it. Back to the waiting game, though. Seems like it's going to be forever. Plus, I just can't help wondering how the bean is doing. I hope it's growing well and not bouncing around too much when I work out. I wish I could have an u/s everyday to make sure everything is okay. I still can't believe I'm pregnant. When does it sink in - when you feel a kick, go through labor, give birth?!

Mozzerella Sticks and Cap'n Crunch

Funny. I took a vacation over labor day and ate whatever I wanted, which included mozzerella sticks and cap'n crunch cereal! Not at the same time, of course, but even still - these were indulgences that I would normally have shunned unless I followed it up with an hour and a half on the treadmill! If this baby has a preference for either of these items, well, it will totally be my fault! LOL! Of course, now that the holiday is over I have to get back ontrack with eating healthy veggies and fruit again. It's almost like withdrawl, not having the greasy food or the sweets. I dare say, though, that I think I felt like crap over the weekend because I ate sooo poorly. Funny how that works, isn't it!

Speechless

Well, the bambino is growing well! I went to my appt last Friday and got to have an u/s and although it's still very early, we could see the heartbeat! It was very cool and yet, it's slowly sinking in. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this! I've seen the picture and it's been confirmed, but it's still hard to believe that there is a life growing inside of me! I can't even think of anything to say to that.......

I Didn't Even Get a Cookie!

The DR visits began yesterday with the nurse. She asked the basic questions about family history, my health, etc. I expected that, so no big deal. I even anticipated having to pee in a cup and to have some bloodwork done. That being said.............. FOUR VIALS OF BLOOD LATER! I'm still standing! LOL I'm glad that I didn't watch her switch from vial to vial because I would've lost it! It's enough for me to just sit there and be still for one. Four vials!!! I guess there's a ton of tests to be done, but jesus! I told J about my visit and everything we talked about along with the bloodwork and he said, "All that and you didn't even get a glass of orange juice or a cookie!" I thought about that for a minute and damn it! I should've gotten a cookie! LOL. I guess this is only the beginning. (I will give credit to the nurse. I barely felt the needle go in. Plus, I felt nothing as she switched vials or when she took the needle out! That is an awesome nurse!)

so that i don't forget

My Chemical Romance - Helena Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.

A Toast.......Here's to nerves

Monday is my first appt w/ the OB's nurse for bloodwoork and all the initial stuff they have to have during pregnancy. I'm looking forward to it and yet, not, because I hate needles. I know they're going to draw blood and god help me if the nurse doesn't know what she's doing! LOL. Actually, god help her if she doesn't because I'm not one to sit still if she can't find the vein. Friday. That is the BIG day. That is the (hopefully) ultrasound and meet with the OB day. Won't she be surprised to see me! LOL. Especially after 6 months of no ovulation, no period and no "definite" explanation. Sure there have been plausible theories, but nothing officially diagnosed. Yes, I think she'll be surprised indeed. I expect she'll want to know how it happened. I'm 1/2 tempted to answer, well - the sperm met the egg and......but I don't know that she'll laugh. She might, she's not uptight or anything. Anyway, it'll be interesting to tell her that I hated the RE she recommended (well, the RE's assistant anyway) and therefore didn't follow their instructions, which led me to making an appt for a 2nd opinion with a different RE. The time between that and the actual appt being the beginning of it all! CB showed with full force and anyway, here I am! I hope that there is something to see on the ultrasound. I'll be approx. 7 1/2 weeks. From what I've read, there should be a heartbeat by then and maybe the sprout will be about the size of a bean. It's insane how much s/he grows in the next 7 weeks! Everything gets formed over the next month. I mean EVERYTHING - brain, heart, fingers, toes, you name it, it's coming together. I'm still nervous that something could be wrong. That it could have implanted in the wrong spot or be a blighted ovum. I won't rest assured until I know where it's at and hear the heartbeat. Even then, I'll only be slightly assured because I still have 7 more weeks to get through before the risk drops significantly. Here's to nerves! 6 1/2 days and counting....

Disgusted

It's amazing what some people get away with where I work. For example, it's a small enough company to get away with only having one IT person - however that IT guy is a chump. He's hardly ever here when he needs to be and for that we fucking suffer. We have a new employee in our dept who needs her own pc and he can't even tell my boss when he'll have that set up! I fucking hate him because he gets away with soooo much - soo much that anyone else wouldn't in any other job. Meanwhile, I've been working on new things, taking additional classes, graduated Magna Cum Laude (!!!) and generally making myself available for new projects here and what do I get - fucking nothing! Every potential thing that comes up gets pulled out from under me! The latest is the training of people on the new system. I don't get to do that because they dragged their feet in finding someone to do my job so that I'd be free to do it. I wish this place would actually follow through on what they "promise". The only thing keeping me here is the baby.

Dare It Be True

As I'm typing this, I am still in disbelief. Utter disbelief and still trying to wrap my mind around this. Three tests can't be wrong, can they? I am pregnant. It's still very early on so there isn't much to say. The "Slartybarfast" phase (blastocyst) is over and there is an embryo growing. When is this supposed to sink in? Really? And when will I stop freaking out and thinking about the dreaded possibility of miscarriage?! I'm so worried that it won't stick. So many things going on right now. What if it doesn't stick? What if it doesn't stick? What if it doesn't stick? I swear that is all I can think about! I'm so afraid of finally getting pregnant only to lose it. I hope that life isn't that cruel. It was bad enough to have such trouble just to get a period after 6 months - I don't know that I could handle loosing this. Oh, and no pressure that I'm now in the most crucial development phase for the baby! I swear, I research too much! Right now nerves, brain cells, blood vessels, freaking EVERYTHING is being developed! To top that off, the OB doesn't see anyone until they're 10 weeks along! Why wouldn't they see you sooner - especially since weeks 4-12 are so important. I mean, one could really screw things up, you know. Not on purpose, of course, but by not having early direction as to what to do - man, what a potential catasophe! I don't even know what in the hell I'm supposed to eat. I'm totally winging it. I mean, I'm not eating junk food crap - but how much more am I supposed to eat now?! I've read 300 calories a day but is that required this early or once I get to the 2nd and 3rd trimester? Like I said, I'm just guessing. I added 1 cup of 1% milk and 2 egg whites to my breakfast this morning (which is normally 2 pieces of toast). That's about 125 extra calories. I don't know if that's enough, though. I guess I'll find out at the end of September at my OB appointment. Please just let it stick!

Questioning

Thinking about my HA/pregnancy quest and wondering if I made a mistake by cancelling my 2nd opinion appt with an RE. It couldn't have hurt to go in. I'm desperately holding out hope that things will normalize - maybe I'm doing that too much. I try to be positive, but perhaps I just need a slap in the face to make me not be so stubborn and hopeful. I don't want to be blindly holding on to an idea that my body will fix itself when it isn't. If the average LH phase is 14 days, then CB should be here today. No sign of anything yet and I'm still seeing some cm (not ew, just sticky). I thought things were supposed to be as dry as a desert after ewcm! I hate this! I hate everything about this! What's worse? Seeing losers abusing their kids, leaving them in dumpsters - why the fuck do those people get to have kids and others (who would treat them right), well, we don't get jack shit. If we do manage something, we have to struggle for it. What the fuck is that all about?! Maybe I should become a crack addict, start writing bad checks, live in a shithole and practice my abusive beating habits on puppies. Some have said "Just bite the bullet" (aka, everything happens/doesn't happen for a reason) which, sure, I can accept that. But I am NOT going to swallow the whole damn rifle!

Imagine the cup of coffee being other job opportunities with my current employer. Yeah... That pretty much sums it up.

What AM I thinking....and here we go again, maybe

I've been working on some freelance web site work and it got me thinking that this is what I'd love to do as a job. Problem with that is that while I have my BA degree, it's not in web design. So now....I'm going back to school for that! LOL! Don't know if it will help me with any job opportunities but it surely can't hurt. Here's to more homework and final projects! The HA saga continues... Thursday could be the day for CB to arrive. When she arrived in July, it was exactly 14 days since I noticed ewcm at the end of June. This Thursday will be 14 days again so who knows. I kind of hope that she'll be here just because it'll seem like everything may be back on track. At the same time, I hope she doesn't so that it could mean I'm pregnant. I don't know what would be the bigger disappointment - having CB or not. Like I said, having it would be a sign that my body is getting back to normal (hopefully). It would be incredibly nerve racking to not have CB show because it could mean I'm pregnant or (and this is the worst case scenario) that my body is still fucked up. When would I test anyway if CB is a no show?! I hate seeing one line on those damn pregnancy tests! I dare say it's worse than getting a shot - and I hate needles. Literally, will run out of the room if I see one. So here we go - what will be will be. Let's just hope it's what I want. Let's hope I don't drive my husband crazy.

As if there wasn't enough to deal with...

My mother decides to call J and tell him that she wants grandkids! All the other ladies in her office have them and she'd like some too! Well all I have to say to that is "Then tell your fucking god to straighten things out so that I can!" She so religious, why doesn't she just pray about it if she wants it so damn bad! As you can tell, we are not close. I haven't told her anything about what is going on precisely for this reason. Can you imagine the guilt trip she'd be laying if she DID know that things were delayed for reasons as yet to be determined?! She just wants to be included in the group - but I don't give a damn! J was so cool about it. He told her flat out not to push it because other wise he "pinch it off and pull out everytime" and she'd never get the chance to be a grand parent! LOL! I love my husband! He sticks up for me in the weirdest of ways, but always gets the point across.

Struggle is my name-O

struggle n 1: an energetic attempt to achieve something; "getting through the crowd was a real struggle"; "he fought a battle for recognition" [syn: battle] 2: an open clash between two opposing groups (or individuals); "the harder the conflict the more glorious the triumph"--Thomas Paine; "police tried to control the battle between the pro- and anti-abortion mobs" [syn: conflict, battle] 3: strenuous effort; "the struggle to get through the crowd exhausted her" v 1: make a strenuous or labored effort; "She struggled for years to survive without welfare"; "He fought for breath" [syn: fight] 2: to exert strenuous effort against opposition; "he struggled to get free from the rope" 3: climb awkwardly, as if by scrambling [syn: clamber, scramble, shin, shinny, skin, sputter] 4: be engaged in a fight; carry on a fight; "the tribesmen fought each other"; "Siblings are always fighting" [syn: fight] Seems that summarizes this year so far. Practically everything I want to accomplish comes with the price of having to scrape, claw, grunt, and STRUGGLE! Meanwhile, others get what they want just be speaking the words: "I want to have a baby." - 2 weeks later, they're pregnant "I want a new house." - 1 month later they're moving "I'm tired of this job. I'm going to try something else." - They get an interview in 2 days and 3 weeks later they're in a new position that pays $15,000 more annually. I know that "life isn't fair", but Karma could cut J and I a break. Give us what we want without having to fight so fucking hard for it! Some can argue that having to work for it will make us appreciate it more - HOWEVER - we'll appreciate any good fortune that comes our way. I can say that because it's been a long time since we've caught a break. A very long time. I think I reek of desperation. So be it.

Jumping Through Hoops

So AF is here! 7 months to the day and a ruined pair of underclothes! LOL. So, we'll see where things go from here. I'm trying to get psyched up to jump through hoops for my OB. Don't know what she'll want me to do, if anything.

London 7/7

Like 9/11 is scarred into the minds of all Americans, so will 7/7 for all Londoners. http://www.flickr.com/photos/tags/londonbombblast/ The above link was mentioned on CNN. I found it amazing that people were able to take photos with their phones even through the chaos. Keep searching for photos! Let it be a reminder! *stepping off my soapbox*

Holy Call Back, Batman!

So I send 2 resumes out (1 last night, 1 this morning) and received call backs from both of them! I could hardly believe it! I have one interview set up tomorrow PM and don't know whether to be nervous or excited. First of all, I haven't received call backs that fast EVER (LOL) not to mention having an interview with one day of the call back! Just thinking about it makes my stomach all sorts of funny! I am excited, however I didn't expect anything this fast. I haven't even put together my "take it or leave it" pitch for my current employer! I know what you're thinking - I haven't even been offered a job yet. I know that and it'll probably be my luck that I'll get lots of first interviews and not make it past that. But jesus, this is quick!

Jerk, Jerk, Jerk the Chain a Little Harder!

I have been trying to get more involved with the IT area where I work, specifically with the web site and even perhaps assisting with the in house PC troubleshooting/help desk. It's a small company, so there aren't as many "rungs on the ladder" to climb, which is why I've been pursuing it. Needless to say, I don't think it's going to happen. It's like they give me enough "hope" that I'll be able to do this but never follow through. Hell, I registered a domain name a year ago (specifically for work) that I haven't been able to use AT ALL! I finally got so fed up that I used my own personal web space to host the Work test site that I put up in March. Guess what, they looked at it once and I've heard nothing since! How many months is that? 4 1/2 months! I've seen snails accomplish more in that amount of time. I'm at the end of my rope. I'll keep doing the Admin work here, but if an opportunity comes up where I can pursue my IT interests, I'm taking it. How long do they expect me to wait with baited breath to be taken seriously? I graduated Magna Cum Laude for christ's sake! If that doesn't show determination and hard work along with a willingness to try new things/experiment - well I don't know....... I'm so disheartened by it all. I like working for this company, I really do! But I can't hold my breath thinking I'm going to get an opportunity that doesn't look like it will ever happen. One can only jerk the chain so many times before I get REALLY pissed! Current Music: I Can't Stand It, Eric Clapton

Changes Galore!

Just adding some links today. Maybe some pics of our cats. Changed the look of my blog to something not so dark. Trying to decide which links to include. There are quite a few that I check out - if I were to list them all, well you'd be scrolling down for a while.

Just Playin' Around

I'm a terrible patient! LOL

I decided to not start taking bcp yesterday, even though at my first RE appt they told me to. I'm currently on hold with another RE to make an appt to get a 2nd opinion. Going through my last appt in my head, there were a few questions that I want answered. Mainly, why didn't they mention anything about HA? I'm gathering all of my research and will be walking in ready this time. I'm not going to be "shoo-ed off" with the gain weight and quit exercising bullshit. So my next appt is in about a month. Not too bad considering that there's only 2 RE's in this city. On a lighter note, my DH and I had a really good weekend. It was probably the most relaxing in a long time. Went swimming, redecorated our home a bit, and then stayed inside since it was insanely hot outside. The pool helped, but only so much.

Waiting

The company I work for is changing the computer system and, as some may know, it's quite hectic. Well, for one department anyway. I'm playing the waiting game at the moment. Just waiting for when the chaos makes it's way to me. Not that I'm looking forward to it, mind you. I'll be training sales reps on how to look up info in an entirely different way, not to mention keep my work caught up while learning the system myself! Oh Joy... I was doing some research online a few days ago and actually felt assured that I wasn't completely alone with some ttc issues. A little backstory: Stopped bcp in January and haven't had my cycle resume the way it's supposed to. Basically, AF hasn't shown in 6 1/2 months! To some that may seem great, but when you're trying to have a baby - well then it just sucks! I've seen my OB about 5 times already this year and she thinks it's hypothalamic amenorrhea (HA for short). OB had me try the progesterone challenge and still nothing happened. I've lost track of how many days it's been, I'm counting months! Had a first appointment with an RE, who didn't really do anything! She told me to gain 20 pounds, quit exercising completely, and go back on bcp. Well, those first two things won't happen! I walked out of that office ticked off that after reading my chart for 5 minutes and talking with me for 10 that she had the nerve to be so damn pushy. I guess she figures that by the time someone comes in to an RE, they're in a rush to have kids, etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling any younger, but it was just too much! Too much to think about, too much money being spent on office visits, too much explaining to do to my boss for all of those office visits, too much waiting, just too damn much of everything (and not enough of what I want)! So while I was doing all of this reading, I checked what my weight range was, nutritional sites and read TONS more about HA. I'm 5'6 and 124 - totally within the normal weight range. As for exercise, I do a combination run/fast walk for 3 miles 5x a week. That could be too much, I don't know. Since seeing the RE, and going through the research I've found, I'm cutting my workouts to every other day. We'll see how that goes for now. I start those damn pills on Sunday. Don't know what the point is other than to see if AF does come. I figure that she will since bcp are synthetic hormones and that seems to be the root of the problem anyway. What bothers me is that all of my bloodwork is coming back normal. The *only* thing that stands out (to me and my OB) is that my estrogen is low. It's still within the normal range, but on the low end. Even still, what the hell is going on with my body?! How fitting that I titled today's entry as waiting! I initially thought about how it's been calm in my area at work and I was waiting for the chaos to ensue. Now, though, the title seems to fit about what I'm going through outside of work. Ugh. I am not a patient person. I hate waiting.

CD's have taken over!!!

So we, well more like I, have embarked on a project of creating some space in our home office. We have 3 of these long rubbermaid under bed containers full of cd's in their cases and I got a pickle up my ass to condense them somehow. Anyway, went to Target and bought those cd wallets that holds 200+ cd's and HOLY CRAP if one of them isn't almost fluking full! I only got through one of those containers! Geez, we have a lot of music. It was cool, though, because I'd forgotten how much we have and what a wide range too. What was somewhat like a trip down memory lane (cheezy, I know, but it's true) is when I was going through the cd's I made myself. I have some of the first ones I ever made and it was funny to see what songs are on them, but also how much of a novice I was. There are some disks that only have 12 seconds of a song, not the entire song title, that kind of thing. I can't wait to go through some of those cd's and see what's on them. Mainly because I didn't make print outs of the song lists! The quest continues...

It's only taken a year....so what?

WYSIWYG So I've finally gotten off my rear and started this. Blame it on finishing my BA degree, work upgrading the system, or shear plain laziness. Does it really matter? I think not. At least, not this late at night. Anyway, more will come. Abiento!