Moving On

So, SIL (Aunt C to K) and I got to talk about what happened. She had seen some of the stuff I have mentioned which served to validate me even more. That was nice. It was also nice to make sure that I hadn't said or done anything to piss her off (or anyone else for that matter). She has a very good perspective on certain members of the family which can only come from knowing them a lot longer than I have. She also knows their "secrets" which makes it easier for her to tune them out when they start being assholes. I'm sure I'll get there someday. I'm still a bit jealous that she gets to be pregnant "with" someone else (Aunt/Cousin D in law). They have the opportunity to swap stories, etc. I've decided I'm not going to dwell on it, though. I can't change any of it, so it's time to just move on. I'm working on doing that with the whole situation from Sunday. I did find out that Aunt/Cousin D in law and DR N weren't quite expecting to get pregnant so fast (Oh gee darn! Some people would kill for that!) and Dr N is borderline petrified of being a parent. Well, I'm glad. I don't wish any harm to come to them or their baby. It's just nice to find our Mr Know It All Dr is human!

Vindication! & It's On!

Seems I'm not crazy or reading into things! Mother-in-law V called today and wanted to apologize for the other family members behavior. I told her she better not and that it is not her fault. I thanked her for being there to keep me company. She felt isolated just like I did and I found out that when she left, she "went off" to W (Father in law) about the entire situation. Oh, and it gets better. Remember how I mentioned that J thought I was over-reacting and maybe reading into things. Well after he talked to W and found out how V was so angry, J realized that I wasn't being overly emotional. J knows that it takes a lot to get his mom angry and if she's angry, then some shit really did happen. I feel so much better! In a way. I don't feel good about what happened yesterday, but I feel better that I wasn't the only one to see it and that J understands what REALLY happened. I also emailed Aunt-in-law C and asked her directly if there was a problem between us. Because I have the cajones bigger than the planet right now, I'll post it here: Is there a problem between us? I’m not sure if I missed something or said something but I really got mixed vibes yesterday. At the restaurant we sat at an end of the table to try and not be in the way with the highchair and everyone else sat at the complete opposite end of the table. I overhead some sarcastic comments made about Killian, as well as when we got to Denise’s home, everyone went downstairs so we go there and then everyone goes upstairs. I can deal with not being part of the clique, but I don’t appreciate comments made about Killian or being “secluded” because of him. If I have said something or done something, I would appreciate it being brought to my attention. So there it is. Talk about calling her out, LOL! All I can say is, It's On! I don't give a rat's ass if you're family. Talk about my son or push us away and isolate us because we have an infant - It's On, Biotches!!! It.Is.Fucking.ON!

Re-hash

I'm not sure that I have it in me to re-hash all of yesterday's events. I have to though in order to get the monkey off my back and attempt to move on. The buffett lunch was ok. I expected much more from a country club buffett, but oh well. It wasn't worth the money we paid, though. We've gotten better food at Bonanza! Strike #1 As we all started to choose our seats, J, K and I chose to sit at one end so that we could have the highchair in between us and not be in the way of everyone else getting up to get their food, etc. What do the rest of the family do? They start filling in the seats at the opposite end of the table. The three of us were on our own little island until more family members came and filled in the rest of the chairs. Okay, whatever. We do not have the plague just because we have a baby. You can sit near us, you fucktards. Strike #2 There are two other couples expecting their first babies next year. Aunt-in-law C in January, Aunt-in-law cousin D #1 in June. I could hear them sharing stories about their pregnancies, finding daycare, what their labor/delivery will be like, etc, etc, etc. They just didn’t know what they were going to do about any of it. Meanwhile, here I sit (apparently still on the island) thinking to myself “Been there, done that! I could offer some suggestions if they’d even acknowledge my presence.” Strike #3 K gets tired during the lunch. He isn’t interested in eating, not even his bottle. After a little bit of twisting and turning and crying, he settles down and goes to sleep, head on my shoulder. I love moments like this with him – when he falls asleep like that. Of course during this time, I can over hear comments made/jokes said, the “awww…..” from the others which really means they’re happy it’s me that has to deal with it and not them. Strike #4 The lack of a changing station. Strike #5 It’s time to leave. Everyone has had their fill. Except me. I’ve barely gotten more than two bites of any of the food. One more reason why the price we paid for the buffet was NOT worth it. But I digress. Everyone gets up to leave. By everyone, I mean EVERYONE. They leave me at the table with K in one arm while I struggle to put on my coat. Seriously. They all fucking left me. Even J! I’ll give one tiny kudo to Aunt C because she asked if I needed any help – however that was after she was ½ way out the door. And it still doesn’t make up for Strike #2. Strike #6 We all end up at Aunt-in-law D #2’s house after the buffet. Aunt-in-law D #2 calls K by a girl’s name not once, not twice, not three times. Four fucking times! Her daughter, N, is telling her over and over what K’s name is. Strike #7 J and some/most of the men go run errands at Menards. They’re fixing Great Grandma’s house door. Fine. So K and I are left to fend for ourselves. He plays for quite a while, getting fussy every once and a while. No biggy. I still get the infamous “awww…..” from the others (see Strike #3). After almost 2 hours, the men come back. K is still playing but getting tired. He gets a little more fussier and starts the “I’m tired” cry. Aunt-in-law cousin D #1’s husband, Dr. N, said very sarcastically that his baby will never cry. It was mocking in tone. Everyone in the room had a laugh and told him he better not count on that. Even still, I didn’t laugh it off. The entire afternoon I felt secluded because I had a baby and no one else does. The two preggos could share their stories and have their connection, but not me. When I was pregnant, no one else was and I only had J to share my thoughts and worries with. Now that we have K, no one else has an infant his age. Again, no one else but J to talk to. When Aunt-in-law C and Aunt-in-law cousin D #1 have their babies, K will be a toddler. I’ll be dealing with stuff they won’t even be close to thinking about. I feel alone sometimes when raising K. I don’t have another mother to talk to about things. J gets excited for K and the things he’s learning. Most of the time, J thinks I over-react. Hell, he even said so about the above Strikes. Maybe I am. Maybe it’s just because my feelings are hurt and I feel alone. I sucked it up though and put on a good face the entire afternoon. I admit I had about 15 minutes where I just “spaced out” with K in my lap. The rest of the time, I watched K and participated in conversation whenever it related to me. It was nice though to have K because I could just play with him and give him most of my attention without the others thinking I was being anti-social. Even with all of this, I am truly grateful to Mother-in-law V. She offered to hold K while I went to the salad bar at the buffet. She came into the bathroom when I was changing K and helped me, she sat with me at the house and played with K and just generally kept me company. She was the only one and for that I’m grateful. She is always trying to help without me having to ask or beg. I can only hope that when Aunt-in-law C’s baby gets here, she won’t be pulled in two directions. If so, we’ll get the short end because Aunt-in-law C lives in the same city as Mother-in-law V and will probably monopolize her. Aunt-in-law C can be like that. I’ve seen it. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Moments of GRRR

I don't have any great way to start this, so I'm just going to type. I am so fucking tired of restaurants NOT having changing stations in their restrooms. I am sick of having to change K on the damn floor because there is no counter space and what space there is available I'm "gracious" enough to not ruin with a poop/pee diaper for any other customers who want to wash their hands. Not to mention, I don't want some stranger eyeing my son's private parts or critique me on how to wipe his ass. There has only been one restaurant that has the changing station. All of these other places - The Knolls, Charlestons (to name a few) have fucking nothing. Now keep in mind all of these restaurants have high chairs so they must expect families with infants to come and dine there. Plus, infants/children who require the use of high chairs are generally still in diapers so wouldn't it make sense to have some space in the restroom that allows a parent to change their child's diaper. One would think so! So after going out to lunch this afternoon, and after having to change K on the fucking floor, I tossed his dirty diaper (and I do mean DIRRRRTY) in the trash bin. However, I did not put it in the scented bags I bring along to put the diapers in to reduce the chance of lingering odor. No, not this time. And not any time again where I have to change him on the floor or the damn counter. In fact, I'm not going to change him on the floor anymore. It's on the counter and if that means I'm blocking the sink for people to wash their hands, then so fucking be it. If they make a comment I'll promptly tell them to go out and tell the damn management they couldn't wash their hands because I was taking up the counter space because I didn't have a place to take care of my son's needs. I'm sick of feeling like a sub citizen at restaurants because I'm a parent of an infant. Fucking sick of it all! There are also some other things that came up today, but I'll save that for later. This post is already quite lenthly. Suffice it to say, two other couples are expecting their first child in the next few months and they had the audacity to make sarcastic remarks about how their child isn't going to cry, etc, etc. Yes, fuck them too - even if they are family. Thank god I don't have to see them often. It just sucks that this comes up now around the holidays when we're expected to be at the family events. Sucks that I have to fucking fake it.

The Fun Is About To Begin

aka, watch out M! Here comes K!

Starting To Crawl

He's not breaking any speed records, YET!

Offer Support

Send DD at TKO some support. She is going through a rough time.

Ahhhhh, That Time of Year Again!

I haven't ever put up a tree in my office at work. I couldn't resist when I saw these ornaments. :)

New Blogger?

Anyone use the new version? I wasn't thrilled with the beta version so I'm a little nervous. I would always have problems leaving comments for one thing. Is it better? Have the "bugs" been worked out? Should I just suck it up and switch because they're going to make me anyway?

Expanded Repertoire

K has been doing pretty well with eating more solid foods. He can polish off one 4.5 ounce jar of veggies and have room for more! Pretty impressive how far he's come. He even likes a few new things: Apples&Cherries, Green Beans, Sweet Peas. This is in addition to oatmeal, bananas, carrots, squash, the filling from a Little Debbie snack cake. Don't worry, I'm not feeding him the snack cakes, LOL. He was just staring at it one day and tried a tiny finger full and loved it. Of course we gave him some of the cake part and he spit it right out. He is also NOT a fan of the meats yet. I mixed carrots and beef together and oh my, I don't think I've ever seen him spit out food so fast! K also makes the best faces when he doesn't like something. Anyway, there's progress and that's what counts.

Gashlycrumb Tinies, Anyone?

J recently went on a hunt to find the Edward Gorey book and when he did he was thrilled. I remember watching Mystery with my mother when I was young and the introduction was animated by Gorey. The intro was something that I'd never seen before, so it was cool. I'm doing more reading about this author and everything that he's done. In the meantime, am I the only one whose never heard of him?

Artful Dodger With a Twist

It's been starting to happen over the past couple of weeks. I'll drop off K at B's and he'll watch me intently get closer and closer to the door. His arms go up and out a little bit in that "pick me up" pose and B does her best to distract him with a toy. Today I realized it was going to get a little trickier. K was sitting on the floor and would watch me, then B, then back to me. Unfortunately there were no toys to distract him. I found myself having to time my exit, much like the Artful Dodger would do when he was up to no good. Now I'm not shucking responsibility or anything like Dodger, I'm just trying to leave without seeing K red-faced and crying. Why do I have to be the drop off person?!

We are NOT Monkeys, dear...

My sweet, darling K: We do not grab the diaper which is quite "full". No dear, we are not monkeys...we do not fling our poo.

Better Than The Alternative

I keep that in mind as people shake their heads at me when I tell them about K's ear infection, going to the DR for seemingly endless coughing/colds, etc, etc. You know, the: "Oh that's right, you suffer from the first time mom neurosis." I look them in the eye and say: It's better than the alternative. What alternative, they ask? The leave K in his diarrhea ridden diaper to play in the cats' litter box. Leaving K home alone while I go out and get drunk. Feeding him only 2 bottles a day at MY CONVENIENCE. Not interacting/playing with him. Do you NEED me to go on...? Oh, well, um... Yes, "oh, well, um" is right. I may be a first time mom, but at least I give a shit about my son. Even if that means I freak out over everything. And for those keeping score, I freak out about fewer and fewer things each week. I can now handle K's colds without batting an eyelash. His coughing, well, I'm still working on that.

Suggestions, please? (aka Our Next Challenge)

Guess what our next "challenge" is... If you said diaper rash, I'll send you a Snoopy star sticker. I've read that this (diaper rash) can come up when children take antibiotics and K is no exception. I let his rear air out for about 3 minutes tonight before bed. We also are trying Bourdreaux's Butt Paste. I'm open to any and all suggestions on what to do to keep this in check and get rid of it, which I realize will probably happen once he's done with the antibiotic.

One of the Few

We went out to Kenefick Park last weekend and took some fun pictures outside. We usually end up with inside ones, but the weather was so nice we had to get out. Who knows how many more of these days we'll have before Winter really gets here. We had a good time just wandering around. K was fascinated by the flag, the leaves on the ground and that weird stuff that blew in his face and messed up his hair (i.e. Wind). This is one of the few pictures of me I'll post ANYWHERE. Mostly because I still have 20 pounds to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Yes, I'm being vain. Like you didn't feel the same way!

The Culprit?

J, K and I each had colds/ear infections/pink eye. We all got over them after about 1 1/2 weeks. J and K each got flu shots last week. By Wednesday, they were sick again with the same stuff we thought we had just gotten over. I have been congested/coughing since Friday, however I didn't get a flu shot. DR's do recommend waiting to get the shot if you are already sick. Hmmm, do you think we have found the possible culprit for this latest round of illness? I know that the flu shot doesn't cause illness, but if you already are sick or haven't completely gotten over it, it could cause your body to run amuk and get sick again. Directly from the CDC: People who have a moderate or severe illness with a fever should wait to get vaccinated until their symptoms lessen. Well, regardless, this "sick" business can just make it's way out of our home! I'm sick of it. We're all sick of being sick!

Friday Night Fun

DD (TKO), Thank You ~~~

DD I don't know if you'll see this post, but I wanted to say thank you. It helps to have another person tell you "outloud" what you know in your head already.

Ear Infection # 2

That is the verdict from DR P. This time K gets augmentin and we're hoping it takes care of whatever has been giving K such a hard time. We also get to go back in 2 weeks for a follow up to see how things are progressing. I'm hoping this will get better. I'm feeling calmer today, much better than yesterday. I know deep down that I'm not a crappy parent. I'm just a first timer who has no idea where to begin sometimes - or most of the time. I truly hate watching K be miserable. I feel so bad for him and there's really no way I can make him understand. All I can do is give him lots of hugs, play with him and make sure the Halloween Bear is never out of reach for him. With that in mind, it feels nice to know that K wants to be with us. He stretches out his arms to us, turns around to face us, generally just wants to be near us. There was a time when I would babysit and when the baby would get fussy they didn't want anything to do with me and would twist this way and that to look for mommy and daddy. Nothing I could do would console them. It's nice to be able to be the one that baby wants to be with. Even if it is 2:30 am and I can barely open my eyes. It's all worth it when he lays his head on my shoulder, squirms around to get in the right spot and falls asleep.

ISFJ Personality + Not Having The Answer(s) = Much Grumpiness

So K has another cold. Same stuff as he's had before, only with a twist. He has a runny nose/congestion, weeze (which we think could be coming from his stuffed up nose) and cough that can (on occassion) cause him to gag/spit up/vomit a little bit. DR A gave us Rynatan to give him some relief however K's cough is worse than before. I'm waiting to hear back from DR A or DR P, but so far nothing. I called B at daycare to check up on him and of course, K is miserable. He did go down for a nap, which I'm grateful for. I'm sure B is too. So where is this post going? Well, let me tell you. This post is about how I feel completely worthless as a parent. Nothing that we do to help make K feel even a little bit better is working. Every morning when I drop him off at B's, there are questions about what we're doing to get K over this, what medicine is he taking, etc, etc. I don't have the answers anymore. It's the same shit over and over. I don't know why he's getting these fucking colds and I don't know what to do to stop them or make them less of a pain in the ass. I guess what would make it easier for me would be to know why he's getting these colds. Does he have asthma (like his parents), is he allergic to something (please not the cats), or what?! There's probably no answer for it since he's so young and still developing. I know that infants catch colds and that their system is still developing, but that doesn't make it any easier to hear K cough so hard it wakes him from sleep or causes him to gag and then spit up/vomit little bits of food/formula. I DO NOT LIKE NOT having the answers. I DO NOT LIKE watching/hearing my son suffer and be miserable. I WANT SOME ACTION to be taken so that K can get better. You know, I feel like he's being cheated or something. Like he was singled out to suffer through this shit. I'm sure I'm over-reacting a bit. It's just really fucking hard to keep going through this. You'd think by now that after all of these colds (7 in 6 1/2 months) someone would start to question things. Have I mentioned that I feel like a worthless/helpless parent? I don't see myself much better than those losers who duck tape their kids together or make them the designated driver. Actually, I do know that I'm not that bad, but I still feel like K is being neglected. I just don't know what to do about it. I tried talking to J about it, but he doesn't know what to say. Neither do I. So that brings me here. There is nowhere else for me to go to vent and get all of the crap out of my head so that I can breathe.

Happy Halloween!

S.

Who Knew?

Who knew an envelope could be so entertaining!   S.

Food is Only Good...

when it's smeared across the face! K did better tonight. He ate 1 full jar of carrots and 1/2 jar of prunes. I was pretty amazed and proud. I think he's getting the hang of it.   S.

And How Do We End Our Week?

(as of 3:45 PM anyway)... There have been no more Evel Knievels off of the furniture since Monday's incident. The food saga continues. K likes bananas and oatmeal mixed with bananas. He will tolerate carrots. That really is about it. He's getting better eating from a spoon - actually a lot better. He will even open his mouth wide when we're giving him something he likes. That is the key though: what he likes vs. what he doesn't. I wish I could keep my salary and work part-time so that I could see K more. I think about him most of the day.   S.

Signature

Just playing around with an idea.   S.

Thursday 13 - My Birthday Wish

A couple people have asked what I want for my birthday. I don't really have answers for them anymore. I could care less about the day. I don't have any reason to celebrate getting older. It's more like a slap in the face, a reminder that I have one less year to get things done. Am I being a Drama Queen? Perhaps, but It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to! So here are 13 things that I'd like: 13. Organize 2 bathroom cabinets and 1 bathroom closet 12. Baby proof the home 11. Organize the payflex/medical bill receipts and update tracking log 10. Organize my dresser 9. Organize my computer cabinet 8. Find a place to store the DVD box sets so that K can’t reach them 7. Organize the garage 6. Motivation to get back to my exercise routine and eat better 5. Burn cd’s of K’s first 6 months of photos/videos 4. Have K not act like I’m feeding him poison when I give him new foods to try 3. Go to Halloween event w/K. pumkin patch, mall “celebration” – I don’t care. 2. Get 6 month prof. picks of family 1. Take back this incident from happening Get the Thursday Thirteen code here! The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted! View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Just Fine, Thank You (& Showing Off Dinosaur PJ's)

As you can see, all is well. Thankfully.

And How Do We Begin Our Day...?

by watching our son fall off the bed and land on his head. Not the side, not the back - ON TOP OF HIS HEAD. You hear it all of the time, don't turn away for a second. I knew that. That was one of the things I knew from the very moment K came home. I guess I thought I could have 3-4 seconds. One. Second. That was all it took. I had placed him towards the middle of the bed and turned my back for ONE GOD DAMN SECOND to look for a shirt and as I turned around to see where he was, I instead watched him sail off the bed and land on top of his head. K is okay. Well, as okay as you can expect to be. He cried, I cried. J, well J made me feel like shit by saying "What did you do?" and "Why didn't you wait to look for the shirt?" Yes, why didn't I wait indeed. I let him know (through sobs) that I didn't know how long he was going to be in the bathroom and gee, it's time for us to leave now and I'm not even close to getting dressed! One. Second. That was all it took. I managed to get K ready for daycare and cried while I scraped the frost from the car windows, cried while waiting for the car to warm up, cried all the way to daycare, managed to pull it together before going inside daycare to tell B what happened, and then cried on the way to work. I feel like shit. You can tell me it happens, he'll be okay, don't be so hard on myself. But do you really understand... One. Second. That was all it took.

Almost Crawling

Abercrombie & Fitch Baby

Here We Go!

K is getting ready to crawl any day now. He's getting on hands and knees, but that's about it for now.

To Sign or Not To Sign

I've been thinking about teaching K some simple signs to help all of us communicate. I've heard really good things about it but I'm concerned that I wouldn't do it enough. That we'd get caught up in helping him eat or play that I'd simply forget. Signing Time was a web site that some had recommended and it looks good. Does anyone do this? I'm interested in how well it works/worked. I'm not expecting K to catch on and start signing right away, but it looked like something that would be helpful.

Silly Girl...

Well I've been "struck" with the plague that hit J. I'm soooooo hoping that K doesn't get this. He's had enough with the ear infection and little colds over the past couple months. Anyway, I feel like death warmed over. This makes Day 4 and it's looking a little bit better. I'm taking some killer antibiotics and mega decongestant. Here's hoping that it clears up fast. I've taken 2 days off of work and I've never done that. Well, not 2 days in a row. Is this year over yet???

Sitting Up!

I Want This Sign For My Office

The Food Saga Continues - K vs. Bananas

So K is still working on the whole eating from a spoon thing. He's not keen to it, but he's coming around, albeit slowly. Last night I thought we could try bananas. Supposedly everyone's child loves bananas. Yeah, just like everyone's child loves to eat from a spoon. (Apparently they haven't met K. I'd like to see them feed him from a spoon!) Well, he did okay. He wasn't sure about the taste (and if you've tried mushy bananas you would feel the same) but after a couple spoonfuls he started to eat it. Sure, most of it ended up on his nose, chin, bib, eyelashes (!) - but he did eat it. K even opened his mouth 3 times as the spoon got closer to his mouth. So, there's some progress. Not much, but it's there. I only wish I could say that K was catching on due to my patience and determination but the kudos go to B at daycare. She is the one who is working with him more. It's times like these that I wish I could be a stay at home mom. That's just not in the cards for us right now. I'm not depressed or regretful about it. I knew this is how it would be before K was a thought in our minds. Sometimes, though, it does make me sad. More than anything, it makes me cherish my time with him when I do get home. That's a good reason why my treadmill workouts have been hit and miss. As much work as K can be, I miss him during the day and can't wait to be with him after work. Oh, this is leading to another post. A much longer post that will have to come later. Suffice it to say, when K was first born and for approx. 3 1/2 months I had no clue what I was doing and I didn't have the overwhelming romantic "I'm a mom" feeling. It was a lot of work and I barely made it through. J held it together better than I did. Now, though, I'm watching K learning (how to sit up, eat, play, laugh), the connection / romantic "mom" feeling is getting stronger.

Banging Head Against the Wall

In addition to the double ear infection/sinus infection for J, he now has pink eye in both eyes. You know, the really INFECTIOUS pink eye! K has some kind of weeze. We can't tell if it's coming from his nose or chest. DR can't either. It's not affecting his breathing (thankfully) but it's there off and on. As I keep watching the medical bills piling up all I can think is that this is why we will never own a house. By the time one gets paid off, another one takes it's place. I'm grateful to have a nice apartment to live in, but it would sure be nice if we could start saving for a house so that K can actually have some room to grow up and play. I never wanted to be one of those people - you know, that complain a lot. I generally don't, except here. It's the only place I have to vent. If I could understand why we have to go through this "trial" it would certainly make it easier to deal with. Even if it was just a little bit easier, I'd take it. I'm not asking for the world - not asking to win the 200 million dollar lottery (although that would be nice!) - just some relief from us going to the DR and some time to get these damn medical bills paid off.

zzzzzzzz

Not Starting So Good

This month is only 9 days in and it hasn't been going well. Last Monday I had a headache from hell. It hurt to lay down, sit up, to do anything. I finally willed myself to puke and felt better by the end of the day. Lovely. K has had his "cold" for 2 1/2 weeks and it has now progressed to an ear infection. Even Better. J started to feel ill over this past weekend and he now has a double ear infection. Fucking Fantastic! If you've been reading for a while, you can note that this has not been the easiest year for us to get through (see Here and Here). How exactly is one expected to make it through this bullshit?! I'm really interested because at the moment I'm drowning myself in chocolate and carrot cake. Gee, no fucking wonder I'm having a hard time loosing the baby weight. I can't focus on eating right, exercising and juggling DR appts for K and J every other week. How sad that my only refuge is work. I'd love to take a day off for me, but that gets blown to shit too. Think I'm kidding?! I had planned to take last Friday off for me and only me. K would be in daycare and J would be at work. Do you think it worked out that way? Hell no! K spent most of Thursday night/Friday morning with a fever (leading to the above mentioned ear infection) and we spent the better part of Friday at the DR and then going to get the medicine. I don't think I'm asking too much for 1 damn day to do what I want. One day to reset myself would be really fucking nice. This year bites the big one! I'm grateful that J, K and I are alive and making it through, but dear fucking christ (!) it's been by the skin of our teeth. Somebody please tell me it will get better. Even if you have to lie.

Sitting Up On His Own

Conflict Resolution - PC Style

There are moments when I am able to actually use my Bachelors degree. This afternoon was one of those times. I've been trying to get my computer to read/recognize a flash drive. I'd insert it and the arrow icon would appear, showing that the computer "sees" it. Problem came when I'd go to my drop down list and the icon for the flash drive wouldn't appear. I couldn't figure it out to save my life. The drive works at home, why not here? I asked around and someone mentioned that they had a similar thing happen and that they had to change the drive letter. I had no idea how to do that but thought that probably wasn't it. I went to Target and bought a new flash drive thinking maybe that was the issue. It wasn't. I happened to notice the pop up box (that appears when the drive is first inserted into the port) reveal that the flash drive had the letter "F". I already had that letter assigned to a network drive. I put two and two together and figured that must be the conflict. I gave the drive letter idea a shot. After consulting the "Help" menu I figured out how to change the drive letter and sure enough - it worked! I did it for both flash drives and it is beeeeuuuuutteeeeefulll! I don't take full responsibility for figuring this out since another person had mentioned changing the drive letter. I am going to take credit for figuring out how to do it, though! (ps - dear asswipe IT guy at work = you don't have a fucking clue what you're doing, do you?! Telling me to right click on my current "F" drive and change the name temporarily and then "click this, click that until you get it" - that's a load of bullshit isn't it?! Yeah, I thought so. FYI - I figured it out myself - my woman self figured something technical out all on my own! So there!)

Zen and the Art of Distraction

Teaching a 5 month old how to eat from a spoon requires more zen patience than I could muster from my pinky toe. It really comes down to distracting K from the fact that his food is starting to come from something other than the bottle. Oh, there is hell to pay if he sees that bottle before the spoon has made it's appearance! Yes, hell indeed unleashes itself in our kitchen. I used to laugh (nicely) at parents who would make airplane sounds, clap their hands and any other forms of distraction necessary to sneak the spoon into their child's mouth. Now, I'm looking to them for help! K could really care less about the spoon or anything that comes on it. I think he'd be happy to live on a liquid diet forever. He may at the rate we're going. LOL! Last night was better. I gave K is own spoon and when he'd put it in or near his mouth, I'd "sneak" in some oatmeal. He's getting it, just really slowly. I can see him close his mouth and "chew" the food and then swallow it. He just isn't to sure of this whole thing. There is photographic evidence of my endeavors, but K is anything but pleasant in them. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen a more pissed off infant!

Wrapped Up

Can you believe this cutie has the ability to be such a pain in the ass?! LOL I mean that in the best way possible after only getting 3 hours sleep and being up since 2 am because K wanted to play. I'm not sure how entertaining it is laying in the crib, in a darkened room and blowing raspberries - but it must be a lot of fun. Anyway, the little stinker won my heart over with his big smile and downright cuteness. I think he knows I'm wrapped around his finger. One flash of that smile followed by a giggle and, well, I cave.

My Latest Epiphany....

...courtesy of Mr. Dooneybug Mr. Dooneybug Some people want to have a baby and some want to become parents. I place Mrs D and I in the camp of "want to become parents". But what is the difference? Basically the difference is... Wanting to become a parent means you understand that the desire to become pregnant might be selfish but from that point on you are prepared to sacrifice almost everything to be a good old fashioned parent. Spending time with you children, raising them yourself, making sure they learn what is most important to you. Wanting a baby... from what I have experienced is more about how the baby can benefit you and doing whatever is necessary to make sure the addition of a baby doesn't change your routine. Sometimes I feel that people in the "want to have a baby" group have a baby just because they can and other times it seems because everyone else is having kids maybe they should too. Well said on the wanting a baby vs being a parent. Too bad more people don't realize that there is a difference. Doh! I am guilty on occassion of trying to fit K into my routine as opposed to fitting me around him. I am getting better, but I've got work to do.

Foundation

I was reading a Weight Watchers message board and one of the posters asked if you loved your child since their birth more than your husband. I thought about that for a minute and have to admit that I don't love K more than J. That's not to say that I don't love him, but it's not a matter of who loves who more or less. It's a different kind of love. ******* When I look at J, I see someone who stuck by me when I had no direction in life. He was patient with me as I pulled myself up from rock bottom and harrassed helped me do something with my life. Other than just take up space, I managed to: 1. Get a good job and have managed to keep it for 3 1/2 years (and counting) and been promoted to working directly with the President/Vice President. 2. I've also completed my BA degree and graduated Magna Cum Laude. 3. I started Weight Watchers in October 2003 and by June 2004 I had lost almost 40 pounds and J supported me all the way. I could go on and on about how much I love J for all the things that he's helped me through. Hell, I love him for just sticking around during a really rough patch I got myself into. There aren't a lot of people who would/did. Even my mother kept her distance. Without his harrassment him, I'd be living in some run down studio apartment working 50-60 hours at some telemarketing company and going nowhere fast. ******* My love for K is based on the fact that it took some time for him to be conceived and that feeling of "hopelessness" that we'd never have a child of our own, well, I'll never forget that. I love him simply for being born to us. Now when I look at K, I see someone who is helpless to feed himself, cloth/bathe himself - generally someone who can't take care of himself at all. K needs direction on how to learn, examples of how to behave. He needs both J and I to be together and united. The only way J and I can be united is to love each other more than anything else and take care of our relationship. That is the best way K can learn and grow up not needing too much therapy. LOL Another poster wrote in reply: My parents actually made it quite clear that we were second to their love/relationship - because without their foundation, the rest wouldn't work. I couldn't agree more. I don't know that J and I will be blunt about our relationship being priority, but we'll let our child/children know that we have to take care of our Daddy/Mommy relationship so that we can also take care of them. ******* This really strikes home today because last night J and I were talking and J said 1/2 jokingly 1/2 seriously that he misses his "pre-baby wife, S". Mainly because I'm touchier/anxious, have less humor, tired more often. I have to admit that I miss the pre-baby me too. I miss my pre-baby size 8 body, wearing my hair down (instead of up to help avoid K's grab and tug), running, there are a lot of things. I really miss just being able to joke around with J and laugh really loud when he tickles my leg or tells a good joke. I'm going to have to make more of an effort in my marriage to J. He knows I love him and I know he loves me - even though we're caught up trying to be good parents to K. This HAS to be done, for our sake as well as K's.

9-11

Go Huskers!

These three things sound the same when you can't see what your 4.5 month old (who is strapped in his rear facing car seat)is doing in the back seat while driving him to daycare: 1. Blowing Raspberries (his new found ability to look adorable while basically spitting on you) 2. Sneezing 3. Spitting Up his "breakfast of champions" formula Guess which one he was doing? If you guessed #3, then you are RIGHT! Yes, when I opened the door to get him out of the car he was mostly covered in spit-up. The bib I *thankfully* remembered to put on him contained most of it, but even still.....Not the most appealing way to start the morning. I mean really, how happy would you be if you spit up what you just ate on the way to work?! I guess the only creatures who don't care are birds feeding their little ones. That's okay. They're cute. So is my son, but damn why does he have to be so messy! LOL! BTW, yes I know young children are messy. Let me have my moment, will you?! UPDATE K doesn't have an ear infection (thank goodness) and is most likely starting the teething process. DR A didn't see anything in his mouth yet, but he ok'd using the Hyland's tablets and infant tylenol if he gets too fussy. The more I think about it, I wonder if he was clingy/fussy because of the immunization shots he had last week. It's possible he just didn't feel like himself because of residule effects from them. I know I'm not a happy camper after I get a shot, so I can certainly understand how he's feeling.

Teething ?!

Well, we think K may be teething. There was a tiny white "dot" on his bottom gums and after checking with parents, that "dot" seems to be a soon to be tooth. :) We've also noticed him rubbing his left ear and being pretty damn crabby over the past few days - all symptoms of teething. I'm very excited for K and yet my heart aches to see him so unhappy and feeling bad. We had a moment just before bath time where he was only in his diaper and I was in a tank top and we just held onto each other. K buried his face into my neck and wimpered a little. Ugh! I can't even begin to describe how that broke my heart. At least we know now why he's been so "out of sorts" / crabby. (I'm hoping he is indeed teething. The only other thing would be an ear infection and I don't want to go there right now.)

361 Days Ago

One Year Ago (ok, almost a year ago. But it's pretty damn close) - Now - I know he's "technically" still considered an infant, but to me K is becoming a little boy. I'm so excited to see all the things he's learning.

It Begins...

K started rolling over this weekend. He's done it a couple times before, but they were more "accidental". LOL!

Steppin' Out!

A little shopping with K today.

Ugh

I feel like a terrible person right now. Some backstory: K is 4 months old and various things have come up with him from a couple colds to the latest, thrush. The Pediatrican, Dr. V, was great. Perhaps on the conservative side of treatment style, but good none the less. HOWEVER, the other DR's that work in the clinic w/Dr V. are idiots! If Dr. V was out of the office and we had to call to get advice on how to help K get through a cold or what to do to help w/his spit up, etc we'd get one of the other 3 doctors. Well, it usually ended up with their advice being different from Dr. V. Not just a little different, but COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! The latest example of this difference is with treating K's thrush. First, we gave him nystatin (didn't do a damn thing & was suggested by a different doctor). Then, we tried gentian violet (was suggested by DR. V). So on the third try because the thrush wasn't going away, we called in and got a different DR and they said to take the nystatin again and "wait for it to run it's course - it could take 6 more weeks." SIX MORE WEEKS?! I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO! If you had an illness, would you wait it out for 6 more weeks, especially after you had it for 2 weeks already?! So I take K to a different Dr and request a transfer of records to this new Dr. because he's closer and seems good. I specifically ask if the other DR's that share his clinic have similar treatment styles and he says yes and we talk about a few other things as well. Today, DR V calls personally asking about what happened and why we were transfering records, etc. I felt soooo bad! We liked/do like Dr V., but just couldn't take the other Dr's and the varying opinions on treatment. We also found out that Dr. V would have prescribed SOMETHING TOTALLY DIFFERENT than what the other Dr. did and wouldn't have made K "wait it out for another 6 weeks." I feel like Dr. V was on our side and by changing DR's I've just screwed things up. At the same time, I can't handle the other Dr's in his clinic anymore. J did get to talk to DR. V about it all, and Dr V. said it's okay to try other DR's and if things aren't what we expect them to be, we are more than welcome to come back to his office. Ug, I hope I didn't screw things up. I wish Dr. V practiced at a different office. We'd stay with him then.

Surreal Reassurance

I was holding K the other day and I could feel his heartbeat. I'm sure I've felt it before and it doesn't take more than a little whine from him to reassure me that he's alive and kicking. LOL. But this time, I conciously realized that I could feel his heart beating against my palm and it was incredible. Incredible and surreal. I wish I could describe it better. The only things that went through my mind were one or two word fragments: cool surreal love awe holy shit! I remember looking down at him playing with his alphabet links and just being awestruck. A year ago, K's heart was just beginning to be developed and now here it is beating away while he hurls a black and white "A" link across the floor. Even now, when I think about it, all I can do is stop typing, sit still and remember. Nothing like having a child to make you appreciate something as simple (and yet so complex) as feeling a heart beat. ***This post led me to think about how much crap J, K and I have gone through over the past year. J and I have talked about our frustrations and keep reassuring each other. J mentioned that when he lived in Denver he'd go to the top of Mount Evans and just look out over everything. He'd get a real appreciation for things and be able to put things in perspecive. I realized that my "thing" to help put things in perspective is feeling K's heart beat. As I've been typing, I've calmed down and feel a bit more reassured (even if it is only a little bit). Since there are absolutely no mountains in Nebraska, maybe this could be J's thing as well. Am I being cheesy? Perhaps. But I'll take whatever we can get to keep us from going bonkers.

Thursday Thirteen

This morning I was thinking about how this has been the year of the medical expenses for our family. That led me to thinking about the Chinese calendar and how each year is named for a certain animal / characteristic. Somehow, and I’m not sure how, I put the two together and started thinking what characterized each year and what would I name them. This takes me to this week’s Thursday Thirteen: Year of . . . 2006 – Medical Expenses Anyone whose been reading my blog for a little while will see this replayed more often than I care to count! 2005 – College Graduation/Job Hunt Just what it says 2004 – Weight Loss I signed up in October 2003 with Weight Watchers because I had not only held onto the Freshman Fifteen from college, but also those extra pounds since getting married. I lost the most during 2004, reached my weight goal and kept it off until I got pregnant. I went from 156 to 124 – and I don’t mind sharing that! 2003 – Job Switch Both J and I switched jobs this year. 2002 – Wedding J and I tied the knot! I never in my life thought it would happen. 2001 – Pull My Head Out of My Ass You could say I was “mentally challenged” in the years that proceeded 2001 (keep reading to find out why). This was the year I decided to do something about it! 2000 – Trouble With the Law Yup, I fucked up and got caught. It was good though because it made me realize that I was heading down the same path as a relative of mine. I had no desire to be anything like her, so spending a night in jail was my epiphany. 1999 – Break-up/Back Together J and I had some bumps this year. As you can tell we kissed and made up by the time we got married. 1998 – Moved to City from College Town This was the biggest move I ever made. I was so accustomed to the “ho-hum” life of College Town that when I got offered a job and could relocate – I jumped at the chance. It was the first time that I really moved away from my mother, too. Meaning, more than 5 miles. 1997 – First Cool Apartment of My Own College Town had some decent areas and I managed to score a very cool apartment in one of them. It was an old hotel that had been converted to studio apartments. What was nice was that they actually worked out to be 1 bedrooms instead of studios. It was also next to Hazel Abel Park, which was Tim Burton creepy in the winter when the days were short and there was a lot of snow on the ground. It gives you an idea of the “historic” area, which I adored then and still do! 1996 – Apartment With Roommate Amy You hear funny stories about how roommates leave socks or something on the door handle to let the other roommate know that they have “company”. Well, this was the first time I experienced it first hand. I had to sit outside the apartment door and wait for them to finish. It sucked. It also made me realize that I needed my own place! LOL 1995 – The Big “Piss Off” to My Mother and Many Others – Hello Again “J”! I decided to do things for myself and BE MYSELF. See 1994 for explanation. I met up with J again (after on and off dating over the past 3 years). 1994 – Do As Others Expect Me To When I finished high school, I didn’t know that I wanted to go to college. I took a couple years off and just worked. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, so I managed to allow myself to be led by what other people thought I should be doing. This included me starting college, going to church with my mother, having the majority of my friends come from said church, doing whatever church friends were doing – generally just going along blindly and not giving a shit about much of anything. Get the Thursday Thirteen code here! The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted! View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Mommy - 1 / K - 173

So this morning K woke up to "eat" (inhale from the bottle) and when he was done he was in no mood to go back to sleep. So instead I put him in his exersaucer and set him outside the bathroom door while I got ready for work. He enjoyed grabbing the giraffe rattle and banging against "whatever toy got in the way". We had safely made it through the 20 minutes it takes me to get ready without any howls of frustration when I made my way around the corner and into the kitchen to get some breakfast. K was still able to see me (and I him) so we were still good. As I was getting things ready, I noticed that K had gotten quiet and was just staring in the general area around me/the kitchen floor/rug by the pantry. I thought to myself that he is ready to be out of the exersaucer. He's on the verge of having enough and ready to start fussing. I wondered if I was right with my assumption and thought I'd leave him in it, to see if I had indeed "figured him out". About 1 1/2 minutes passed and he looked up at me, bounced up in the chair and began his tirade. LOL! I knew it! HA! I felt like a true mom who knows her son! Even if it was only this one time, it was awesome! Score 1 for Mommy!

Who Loves Their Exersaucer!

Again...

J is hurt again. He did something to his neck/shoulders and is now in more pain. I have no idea what to do or what to say. All I do know is that I can't take much more of this! K has thrush, J is hurt - wtf?! Does life want me to taking a flying leap of a bridge because when the shit hits the fan over and over and over (and over and over and over and over and over and over) I get the feeling that it does. How many times have we had to go through this so far this year?! I don't even want to count it up because it'll depress me more. Um, excuse me LIFE - would you mind cutting us a fucking break?! Not next week or next year. Right fucking NOW!

Thursday Thirteen

After visiting Poopy Digs blog today I thought I'd join in on the Thursday Thirteens. This is my first, so here's hoping it doesn't sound assine. Thirteen Things about MOI 1. I love being able to take a post that had been posted and turn it into a draft so that it won't show up on the blog. 2. I'm hoping the "third times a charm" holds true for K. He now has thrush and this makes the 3rd "illness" he's had in 2 1/2 months. 3. Dear daycare provider, I stayed a few minutes extra because you left K on the couch to go make him a bottle and I didn't feel comfortable with that. 4. J's birthday is coming up and I'm not sure what to get him. 5. I hope the part-time rep shows up every day next week. 6. I didn't do well on my post-partum "diet" these past 2 days so I'm starting again. 7. I miss the chocolate that I had these past 2 days. 8. I'm grateful that K has slept through the night for the past 2 nights. 9. I still wake up 2x/night and check on K. I don't mind because I can hear him breathing and that reassures me. 10. I hope daycare provider isn't giving me a line of bullshit by telling me that K is a good baby. I really hope he is. 11. I hope J's back gets better and stays better. 12. I need a cool logo for the Thursday Thirteen. 13. Why is it Thursday Thirteen? Why not two, twelve or twenty. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. Bloggin' Outloud 2. My Two Cents 3. Tinkerbell 4. Knitting Maniac 5. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!) Get the Thursday Thirteen code here! The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted! View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Coincidence?

I initially had posted this and then took it down. I started thinking that if I censored myself on my own blog, well what would be the point of even having the blog in the first place?! I started this damn thing so that I could say what I wanted, when I wanted and not have to worry whether or not someone would approve. So now, this post is back up and I'm not taking it down. I can't explain this, but I just have to get it out there! When K got his first cold, it was after B (my mom) came to visit. Then, he got his second cold after B came to K's baptism and visited long into the afternoon. NOW - it looks like K may have thrush, and B visited us last weekend! What the fucking hell?! Why is it after each of B's visits, something goes wonky with K?! Is she some bizarre carrier of name-the-illness? Maybe it's daycare, but I don't know. Things seem to come up only after B visits. If it was daycare, he'd be sick all of the time because he goes there everyday. I'm just trying to wrap my head around this because frankly both J and I are getting tired of taking K into the DR. It's like he catches something and has it for 3 weeks, gets better for 1 week and then catches something else! BTW,I know that young children, especially infants, catch all sorts of things because their immune system is building itself up, but good fucking christ!!! Can't we catch a break with this stuff! I don't think we've had one month go by without one of us in this family being sick or hurt. Ugh. Perhaps this post comes off as harsh against B. In my defense, I know B much better than you do. I also know B's hygiene practices - or lack thereof. This is the same B who wanted to go shopping w/me last winter while having double pneomonia. Should I mention that I was still pregnant then and if I had caught it there may have been problems for me during the rest of my pregnancy?! This is the same B who when I came home from the hospital w/K wanted to hold him, which was fine. Then B proceeded to cough all over him - supposedly asthma related but even still - asthma or not there are still germs coming out of your mouth! And need I mention that this is the same B that we have to constantly shove hand sanitizer in front of before she handles K. I guess the numerous bottles of it set out all over the house aren't OBVIOUS ENOUGH. I also know B doesn't wash her hands. At all. So yes, this post is harsh towards B. When B starts having to take time off of work, be up with K 3x/night, take K to the DR, pay his DR bills - then, and ONLY THEN, will I even think about recanting this post.

Here I go

I'm sitting here devouring popcorn and browsing through some blogs that I had bookmarked the other day. The first one TKO caught my interest because they had indicated that we lived in the same state. I kept reading because I was interested in her story and all that she's gone through. (Check it out if you want to know more) While I was going through TKO, I read post #228 about "How to Blog" and followed the link, much like following the rabit down the hole, and discovered .Tony Pierce. I read the post offering some tips to make blogging more interesting and thought mine could use that. So, anyway, here I am. And here I go. Work calls

K is growing up!

As promised, the pic of K holding his own bottle.

Today I Want to be Mommy

I am so not focused on getting any work done. I keep looking at pictures of K on my desk and would really love to be home with him. Sure, I'd be covered in spit up and drool and trying to work through his fussy bouts, but today I don't think I'd mind. K was really funny this morning when we were feeding him. He decided that he was going to hold his own bottle! It was cute and we have some pics that I'll post later. He did okay for having to hold something (the bottle) that was awkward and much bigger than the rattles/links he's used to. It wouldn't be any fun, either, if the bottle didn't go flying out of his hands a few times! LOL. He's also laughing more. I've found a few tickle spots that I try and use to my advantage if he's getting fussy. Sometimes it works, other times I piss him off more. Ah, the joys of parenthood! It's all hit or miss. I was also "taken" this morning. K was in his crib and he started crying, but it was different than before. It was more of a fussy/I'm lonely/need attention cry. I can't explain how I could tell the difference - it was just, well, different. Instead of the usual long wail/scream it had more short bursts and was then quieter inbetween. Anyway, I knew I was in for it when I went into K's room and looked over the crib and he saw me and then giggled! Yes, he giggled at me like "I got you!" I just shook my head. Yes, you did little man. Yes, you did. We then proceeded to play for 10 minutes as I switched him out of his PJ's and into his day clothes. I am so glad that he's more interactive now. That has really helped us bond even more. Of course, now instead of going batty from little sleep, we're spending our time trying to figure out how to amuse a 4 month old. (and go batty from little sleep - see post below)

Ok, Fine Then! (Dear Son, Part 2)

Stay awake all night long! It's okay. We don't mind one bit. Signed - Your Parents.

Dear Son

Please sleep through the night again. You were doing really well for 2 weeks in a row! Love, Your Parents.

Blowing the Bell Curve

"To the whole world you might be just one person, but to one person you might just be the whole world." Joseph Campbell This was emailed to me in one of those monthly baby "deals" from various companies. There suggestion was to write about how it feels to be a mother with a baby this age (3 1/2 months). You are literally your baby's whole world. Write about how it feels to be someone else's whole world, as well as how it feels to have someone else be your whole world. I can sum it up in one word - overwhelming. Ok, I'll get serious. I can't fathom what K must think of me. If I could peek into his brain, I'd probably see that he thinks I'm an emotional, stressed, kind of fun at times woman who changes my diaper and forces me to lay on my tummy until I get red faced and cry. I can't imagine being anyone's whole world. I can't imagine mattering that much to someone else. Sure the 3 of us mean a lot to each other, but, I don't know...I never have felt that important to anyone. Not to the point where I'm their whole world and they're entirely dependent on me. This is new territory for me. Again, blowing the bell curve.

The Laugh!

We got this on video last week. I could watch it all day long! It may be a bit grainy and dark because we grabbed our digital camera to record it and didn't change any settings. You have to be quick with little ones - moments like these pass VERY quickly.

Not Alone

I love reading the momma blogs! It's so nice to know that I'm not the only one going through this (which I already know but it doesn't sink in). I can laugh at some of them because I've been there a few dozen times in the 3 1/2 months. I wish I could be as funny as they are. It seems to make the situation easier to get through when you have a sense of humor about it. I'll get there, eventually. Right now I'm just worried about K's cold. He *seems* to be getting better, but everytime I think that he'll have a huge cough and I just cringe because I can only imagine how that must feel for him. I hate that my boy has a cold. I hate that the DR says we have to "let it run it's course." It seems so unfair to K. I think I'll tell the DR that and see what he says. (yes I know that they don't want to give young infants too much as far as medicines because it can affect what they can take later on - but still!) So, I'll focus on the good stuff K has been doing. Yesterday, he managed to "sit up" for about 7 seconds. Not straight, kind of hunched over and leaning to the left, but he was on his own and it was cool! He gets this look on his face when we get excited for him. It's like, "what the hell am I doing and why are you looking at me that (crazy mom/dad) way?" We can't help it, although maybe we should tone it down a bit. K rolled from his belly to his back about a week ago purely by accident. He didn't know what he was doing nor was he trying to do it. Oh the ruckus we made when we saw that! Poor K - his eyes got really big and he looked stunned. We had a good laugh, K shit his pants (literally, LOL). I could go on and on but there is work to do. I'll have to pick 1 or 2 things out and write them up as we go. That way my posts won't be so long. Besides, I love thinking about K. Even at his worst (screaming at 3 am because he doesn't want to sleep anymore and I'm pacing the hallway hell bent w/a pacifier) I love the little guy.

14 Weeks

I was 14 weeks pregnant the last week of October 2005. We had a DR appt and got to hear the heartbeat again and took the triple screen test which came out fine. I remember being so nervous about those results. I was faced with potentially having to make a gut renching decision should the results come back with a high risk. I remember that time. It was the first time that I felt "attached" to K. Sure I knew I was pregnant, etc but it all felt surreal even after hearing the heartbeat. Perhaps that's because it had taken so long to actually get pregnant. When I was faced with potential concerns for K's health and development before he really got going, it-I can't even explain the feelings. It made me sad to think that there could be problems, much less how we'd deal with them. Thankfully, the test came back fine. ******************************* Now, K is 14 weeks old and he's battling his 2nd cold. I feel so bad for him because there's not much we can do. We keep suctioning out his nose, elevating the head of his crib - poor guy sounds terrible. I feel so inept because no matter what we've done so far, it's not getting any better. I hate to see my guy sick. I just want to cuddle with him. I want to get a mini tv and rocker and sit in his room and just hang out with him. There've been times when I've wondered what being a mom is supposed to feel like. I think this is it. I admit that I didn't have that "hollywood romantic" feeling of immediate joy after his birth and with the challenges that came up shortly thereafter (jer's back going out/more medical bills/going back to work) it made it difficult to just get through the day. Now, though, it's falling into place. I realize that I'm not one to be uber "gushy" with anyone or anything and that's okay. It doesn't mean that I don't care. I see it as special. The way I feel towards J and K means a lot to me and I want to keep it precious and meaningful. I do that by not spilling out every emotion I have for them. I'm learning, slowly. Although I'm probably blowing the bell curve! LOL

New Territory (Angels Bowling/God Takes Pictures)

It stormed pretty badly overnight, which woke me up briefly. Usually I can go back to sleep with no problem. Then I heard K rustling around and thought maybe the thunder woke him up. I went to check on him and he was fast asleep. I've heard that storms can scare little kids and wondered what I'd say to him if he got scared during a storm when he was older. I don't remember where I read this, but someone mentioned that they tell their child that the angels are bowling (thunder). That sounds good but what about the lightning? In my morning stupor, watching the storm unfurl itself outside the patio door, I thought "god is taking pictures (lightning)". That would probably work too. I can totally see myself saying that to him. I hope it works. Is this what it means to be a mom? Trying to anticipate what might frighten K and figure out what will (hopefully) calm him down? This is new territory for me.

K's Big Smile

Pure luck allowed me to get this picture.

Different Than I Expected

Being a parent is hard. I knew going into this that it would be a lot of work - diapers/cleaning/spit-up/daycare, etc. What I didn't anticipate is working to be a different type of parent than what I grew up with. I'm not going to go into that, but I want to be one of those parents who don't argue in front of their kids. Sure, that may happen now and then, but it bothers J and I when we do it. We want to raise our child as a unified front. J is so much better at putting on a poker face than I am. Plus, he can "laugh" his way through tough times. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and get flustered during hard situations. I've quite a long way to go to be the parent I want to be. I've also realized how little time I have to myself. If I'm not taking care of K, I'm cleaning up. I pride myself on having a home that is presentable for company at any time of the day or night. It's an esteem builder for me. Who knows what kind of "wreck" I'll be when K gets bigger and has more toys. My emotions have been all over the place and what I've been trying to focus on is just being grateful for what we have and where we are at in our lives. I get caught up in other people's lives/accomplishments sometimes and forget that J, I and K are doing well. We're mostly healthy (J's back is getting better slowly), J and I have good jobs, a good home (even if it is an apartment) and decent family members. I owe my sanity to J. He serves as my grouding force and without him - who knows where I'd be. Probably with one foot off a bridge. Seriously, that's how I've felt over the past week. Most of it is just adjusting to parenthood while trying to be a good wife as well as dealing w/work. I don't think I'm depressed. No, I don't think that is it because I am happy overall. I think I just get caught up in "keeping up with the Jones'" and forget to enjoy my life, which isn't bad at all. Anyway, some days are better than others, but I'm getting there. Slowly, I'll figure out how to be a mommy. A mommy that I want to be.

You Are 50% Evil You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side. Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination. How Evil Are You?

What We Have Learned (So Far)

There's so much that I didn't anticipate in regards to having a baby/being a parent. POOP One of the more humourous things is that poop has meaning! LOL! I figured that I'd see poopy diapers and that they may be different colors, etc. I NEVER thought I'd be paying attention to how many poops K had each day as well as the color and consistency - all of this to determine what's going on inside him and his body! I used to be disgusted by even thinking about poop/diapers. Now, not so much. That's not to say that I'd like to stare at it all day long for the rest of my life, but since it "means something" I have an entirely different perspective. (Much like the mashed potato mountain Richard Dryfuss made in Close Encounters). NO SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS I have no idea when this happened. We got up last weekend and thought it'd be fun to watch some cartoons with K since he's starting to be able to follow bold colors, etc. After flipping through who-knows-how-many-channels, we found ABSOLUTELY NO CARTOONS. Not a damn thing! I was totally bummed. I can remember when I was a child I'd get up at 5:30am and put together my blanket "fort" and get my cereal/munchies ready (all this while the farm report was on). Then at 6 am came the cartoons! Tom & Jerry, Bugs Bunny, Scooby Doo, Captain Caveman - hours and hours of cartoons. Now, there's informercials and news. No wonder kids are rolling out of bed, into their reclining chairs with xbox controller in hand. There's nothing to fucking watch! IF BABY IS HAPPY, PARENTS ARE HAPPY I don't think I need to explain it any clearer. MAMA LOOK/VOICE K was hating his bath (as usual) last night and towards the end he was screaming his head off and turning beat red. We go through this every night (bath/bottle/bed) and I keep reassuring him in a calm, cute-mama tone. Finally I had had enough (not in a "I'm losing my patience" sort of way, but really the screaming was quite over the top) and abandoned the cute mama voice for a deeper tone and reassured him that he was okay and to calm down. I must've had a mama look to go along with it, because it worked! K cried a couple more times, but I followed it up with the deeper tone of voice and he calmed down. **We'll see how well this goes and if I do indeed have a mama look after tonight's bath. TAKING A TEMPERATURE I have become very skilled at taking a rectal temperature. I don't know that this deserves a badge of honor as I don't enjoy doing it. However, before each time we make a call to the Ped's office we have to do this - in case they ask (and they ALWAYS ask). PUNK BAND MAKES KIDS ALBUMS NOW I was browsing for Clifford the Big Red Dog (K's "favorite" right now - mainly because he's big and red) DVD's and ran across They Might Be Giants. I was taken back to my punk days when TMBG served as my soundtrack while I walked/cycled to the university for classes. Now, they make kids music. Who would've thought! Of course, who would've thought I'd be married and have a child! LOL CAR SEATS MAKE GOOD BEDS Especially when K was sick. Now, he loves it. Won't sleep anywhere else for more than an hour. TRANSITIONING FROM CAR SEAT TO CRIB IS GOING TO BE CHALLENGING See above. BABY MILESTONES They're beginning. K rolled over from his belly to his back yesterday. Of course he was only able to do it once, but that's how things begin. J and I were (of course) ecstatic and probably made more to do about it than other people would. We don't care. It's cool to see how K is growing and doing more things. He "found" his hands over the past 2 weeks and they are in his mouth all the time. Practically everything goes straight to his mouth at this point. He is also holding his head steady and able to raise it up (from tummy position) for about 5-10 seconds. K is still learning to look around while his head is up. If it takes too much work, though, he just puts his head down and mushes his face into the blanket he's laying on (to avoid carpet rash). Now is when we can really start interacting with him. He's starting to recognize us and smile/laugh at certain things. Now is the fun part. I'm excited to start feeding him on rice cereal after our appt with the Ped next month. It will be messy, but totally fun! BABIES + NEW TASTE = BEWILDERED/FUNNY FACE When we gave K some infant tylenol before his shots last month, he made quite the face. Consider that K hasn't had anything but formula/breastmilk since he was born and then introduce grape flavored liquid medicine. He got this look of "what the hell?!" when I squirted the tylenol in there and it made me laugh. I wish I could've gotten a picture of it. ************************************************************ I think that covers things up to this point. Sure, there are other things, but I think I've mentioned them already and since this post has become quite lengthy I will leave it at that. There will definitely be more to come.

K Update - 3 Months

So now that I'm not quite so hormonal with AF, I can take my mother with a grain of salt. It's so much easier to do that when your body isn't going nutso! K is doing well. He's starting to get really alert and now has this thing where he wants/HAS TO BE in the action. He will fuss and cry if you place him on his playmat or swing, so we had to get a front carrier for him. He digs that! We wander around together while I clean up, do laundry, etc. He loves just being able to look around. It's amazing how much he's grown. Already in 6 month clothes because he's getting so long. As of our last DR appt at 2 months, he had grown 3 inches since he was born! I don't know what the average is, but that's pretty impressive. I'm anxious for our next appt in August. We get to start to teach him the fine art of eating rice cereal with a spoon. I can only imagine how "interesting" that's going to be.

Soggy Fishsticks and Warm Jello

I didn't want to start taking BCP's again. AF showed on her own last week and it was actually a nice sign because it meant my body was getting back to normal **on it's own**! The main reason I started them is because we're in no hurry to have #2. We'd both like to have a chance to figure this parenting thing out before we even think about trying again. In a way, I'm disappointed that there aren't other ways to avoid pregnancy while still letting my body act natually. I'm also worried about what will happen when/if we try for #2 - will I have as many problems as I did the first time? Another Blah is that my mother really sucks. I'd like to have a decent relationship with her like most people have, but it isn't going to happen. When she's come over to visit K, she's made the following comments: 1. "If they don't treat you right, you just let grandma know. I'll take care of it." 2. (K is crying - like babies do now and then) "Did Mommy pinch you? Huh, did she pinch you and make you cry?" I'm sitting here trying to figure out exactly how to express my attitude about her and her belittling comments. Aggitated? Sure Hurt? You Bet Confused as all hell as to why MY OWN MOTHER would say these things? Oh Hell Yeah! What takes the cake is that she's no saint! Fuck, I was raised in foster care for a while because she was in jail! How can she have the audaucity to say anything about my or J's parenting?! I could go on and on, but that's a lot of baggage I don't feel like thinking about. It's enough that I'm left with thinking about her at all. Add insult to injury - she doesn't say one bad thing to/about J. It's always me. I'm the "bad" mommy. Not that I want J to receive any of her bullshit, but what the fuck does she have against me? I haven't done anything to her. If anything I've managed to stay out of her hair since I graduated high school so that she could live her life and not have to deal with me. Deal with me, that is how she's come across in regards to being my mom. I admit I'm not perfect and went through the teenage years hellbent on something, although I had no real direction/mind to figure out what that something was. That being said, I didn't cause her THAT much grief during those years. There are certainly more things that could've come up. In comparison to some, I was pretty tame. I think the worst thing I did was steal a CD from a store (of which I was caught and had to work through all of that). I did decide that the next time she sees K, if she makes any comments that belittle me/J/K, I will promptly put my fingers over K's ears and make the "lalalalalala, we don't want to hear the mean things grandma is saying about Mommy." sound to drown her out. Hopefully that will get my point across. If not, then I'll have to be a bitch and call her out. She wants to make mean comments about me and question my parenting, well I'll just have to remind her what I went through growing up with her as my mom. It was never peaches and creme - no, more like soggy fishsticks and warm jello.

Missing K

I really miss K today. If I could've stayed home with him and just played that would've been great! He's becoming more alert and playful which is so much fun to watch. It's amazing to compare how he is now versus just 1 1/2 months ago. I love seeing his smile and his little laughs. Well, the laughs sound more like a sigh and chuckle at the same time, but I don't care. It's cute. I found some pictures of him from May when he just started to smile. There aren't many of him facing the camera and smiling so these are treasures. He has a tendency to just stare at the camera like "what the hell are you doing?" when we try to catch him smiling. Oh I miss him so much today. I'll be counting down the hours until the work day is done. I think I may skip my workout tonight to just hang out with him. Maybe instead of running we'll go outside and walk. Depends on how hot it is. I'd like to go walk with him. We haven't done that in a while.

Here We Go Again

On a unsuspecting trip to the restroom, AF decided to surprise me! All at once I was excited (my body was getting back to itself) and apprehensive. Here we go again is running through my head. I'm going to start bcp on Sunday because we're in no hurry to have #2 quite yet. I just wonder what will happen when we try for #2 - will my body be as stubborn as it was trying for #1 or will things be smoother? Who knows.

Happy July 4th (a little late)

K is doing much better now that he's getting over his cold. I'm thankful that's all it was, but we still worried like mad. That little man has us wrapped around his fingers LOL! We went to visit grandma and grandpa (J's parents) and it was our first trip with him that wasn't a grocery store or to/from daycare. He didn't pretty well all day, but the night was rough. K is starting to get a routine of a bath, bottle/book and then bed and we didn't do that since we had to drive home Tuesday night. That messed him up and he got overtired and cranky. I think J and I got 3 hours of sleep that night. Somehow, we managed to get through the day. He did sleep through the night last night, though, which was a blessing. :) He's starting to do that a little more now, maybe once or twice a week. Of course, he's been sleeping in his car seat (due to the cold) so that may change when he goes back into his crib. I'm hoping that he'll get used to being in it again. His baptism is this weekend. It's weird to think that it'll be my child up there getting drizzled (lol) and probably screaming at the top of his lungs. I hope I can put on a good face and not look panicked if he does start getting antsy! I'm trying to perfect that "just taking it in stride" look that I've seen well-seasoned moms have. Right now, well, I've no idea if I'm coming close. So, here he is on the 4th, which also marks his 10 week old "birthday". I'm so excited to be able to interact with him more. I also am a sucker for his smile. We're still trying to get one where he's looking at the camera but for now a side one will have to do.