Saturday, June 03, 2006


"To cause to break down emotionally or psychologically; upset."

Dissolved Girl" by Massive Attack

I feel like everything that was stable around me and my family is now dissolving. So many worries bombard me every morning. I'm doing my best to take care of J through this ordeal as well as Baby but I fear that I'm neglecting them both. I focus on helping J take a shower while Baby has to chill in the crib. I barely get 5 minutes to eat before going to get Baby and spend some time with him.

This entire situation is crap. This is no way to begin a new life with Baby. I can't even begin to count how many times I've cried in the bathroom over this. Hell, I'm even crying as I type this. If things don't turn for the better, it may be the end of me. I'm doing what I can to take care of J and Baby as well as keeping our home up (cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping) - somewhere in there I manage time to brush my hair and teeth and switch out of my pajamas.

All I keep thinking is that there is no fucking point to this. Nothing to be learned by watching my husband suffer through so much pain, nor feeling guilty because I'm trying to take care of a baby as a new mom and J. What am I supposed to "learn" from this?! That god/karma/fate has a fucked up view on what's okay to dish out to people? Fucked up indeed.

There should be a checks and balances system for god/karma/fate similar to what is in place for our government. To make sure that no one person/family gets any more crap tossed at them than anyone else. And, to make sure that people only have to deal with one "event" at a time. No more of this bombarding shitloads of stuff on people all at once.

This is probably in vain, but I keep holding out hope that tomorrow (and the next day, and the next, etc) shows some improvement. Why? Who the hell knows.

"Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks:

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round

That is how I feel towards whatever "force" seems to think it's okay to fucking rain down this mis-fortune on J. There is no point to it. There is no reason for a decent person to have to go through this much suffering. No reason at all. Save it for the pedifiles and murders, not for those who are doing their best to be decent and responsible people.