Tuesday, August 30, 2005

I Didn't Even Get a Cookie!

The DR visits began yesterday with the nurse. She asked the basic questions about family history, my health, etc. I expected that, so no big deal. I even anticipated having to pee in a cup and to have some bloodwork done.

That being said..............

FOUR VIALS OF BLOOD LATER! I'm still standing! LOL

I'm glad that I didn't watch her switch from vial to vial because I would've lost it! It's enough for me to just sit there and be still for one. Four vials!!! I guess there's a ton of tests to be done, but jesus!

I told J about my visit and everything we talked about along with the bloodwork and he said,
"All that and you didn't even get a glass of orange juice or a cookie!"

I thought about that for a minute and damn it! I should've gotten a cookie! LOL.
I guess this is only the beginning.

(I will give credit to the nurse. I barely felt the needle go in. Plus, I felt nothing as she switched vials or when she took the needle out! That is an awesome nurse!)

Saturday, August 27, 2005

so that i don't forget

My Chemical Romance - Helena

Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.

Friday, August 26, 2005

A Toast.......Here's to nerves

Monday is my first appt w/ the OB's nurse for bloodwoork and all the initial stuff they have to have during pregnancy. I'm looking forward to it and yet, not, because I hate needles. I know they're going to draw blood and god help me if the nurse doesn't know what she's doing! LOL. Actually, god help her if she doesn't because I'm not one to sit still if she can't find the vein.

Friday. That is the BIG day. That is the (hopefully) ultrasound and meet with the OB day. Won't she be surprised to see me! LOL. Especially after 6 months of no ovulation, no period and no "definite" explanation. Sure there have been plausible theories, but nothing officially diagnosed. Yes, I think she'll be surprised indeed.

I expect she'll want to know how it happened. I'm 1/2 tempted to answer, well - the sperm met the egg and......but I don't know that she'll laugh. She might, she's not uptight or anything. Anyway, it'll be interesting to tell her that I hated the RE she recommended (well, the RE's assistant anyway) and therefore didn't follow their instructions, which led me to making an appt for a 2nd opinion with a different RE. The time between that and the actual appt being the beginning of it all! CB showed with full force and anyway, here I am!

I hope that there is something to see on the ultrasound. I'll be approx. 7 1/2 weeks. From what I've read, there should be a heartbeat by then and maybe the sprout will be about the size of a bean. It's insane how much s/he grows in the next 7 weeks! Everything gets formed over the next month. I mean EVERYTHING - brain, heart, fingers, toes, you name it, it's coming together. I'm still nervous that something could be wrong. That it could have implanted in the wrong spot or be a blighted ovum. I won't rest assured until I know where it's at and hear the heartbeat. Even then, I'll only be slightly assured because I still have 7 more weeks to get through before the risk drops significantly.

Here's to nerves!
6 1/2 days and counting....

Monday, August 22, 2005


It's amazing what some people get away with where I work. For example, it's a small enough company to get away with only having one IT person - however that IT guy is a chump. He's hardly ever here when he needs to be and for that we fucking suffer. We have a new employee in our dept who needs her own pc and he can't even tell my boss when he'll have that set up! I fucking hate him because he gets away with soooo much - soo much that anyone else wouldn't in any other job.
Meanwhile, I've been working on new things, taking additional classes, graduated Magna Cum Laude (!!!) and generally making myself available for new projects here and what do I get - fucking nothing! Every potential thing that comes up gets pulled out from under me! The latest is the training of people on the new system. I don't get to do that because they dragged their feet in finding someone to do my job so that I'd be free to do it. I wish this place would actually follow through on what they "promise".

The only thing keeping me here is the baby.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Dare It Be True

As I'm typing this, I am still in disbelief. Utter disbelief and still trying to wrap my mind around this. Three tests can't be wrong, can they?
I am pregnant.
It's still very early on so there isn't much to say. The "Slartybarfast" phase (blastocyst) is over and there is an embryo growing.
When is this supposed to sink in? Really?
And when will I stop freaking out and thinking about the dreaded possibility of miscarriage?! I'm so worried that it won't stick. So many things going on right now.
What if it doesn't stick?
What if it doesn't stick?
What if it doesn't stick?
I swear that is all I can think about! I'm so afraid of finally getting pregnant only to lose it. I hope that life isn't that cruel. It was bad enough to have such trouble just to get a period after 6 months - I don't know that I could handle loosing this.

Oh, and no pressure that I'm now in the most crucial development phase for the baby! I swear, I research too much! Right now nerves, brain cells, blood vessels, freaking EVERYTHING is being developed! To top that off, the OB doesn't see anyone until they're 10 weeks along! Why wouldn't they see you sooner - especially since weeks 4-12 are so important. I mean, one could really screw things up, you know. Not on purpose, of course, but by not having early direction as to what to do - man, what a potential catasophe!

I don't even know what in the hell I'm supposed to eat. I'm totally winging it. I mean, I'm not eating junk food crap - but how much more am I supposed to eat now?! I've read 300 calories a day but is that required this early or once I get to the 2nd and 3rd trimester?
Like I said, I'm just guessing. I added 1 cup of 1% milk and 2 egg whites to my breakfast this morning (which is normally 2 pieces of toast). That's about 125 extra calories. I don't know if that's enough, though. I guess I'll find out at the end of September at my OB appointment.

Please just let it stick!

Friday, August 12, 2005


Thinking about my HA/pregnancy quest and wondering if I made a mistake by cancelling my 2nd opinion appt with an RE. It couldn't have hurt to go in. I'm desperately holding out hope that things will normalize - maybe I'm doing that too much. I try to be positive, but perhaps I just need a slap in the face to make me not be so stubborn and hopeful. I don't want to be blindly holding on to an idea that my body will fix itself when it isn't.
If the average LH phase is 14 days, then CB should be here today. No sign of anything yet and I'm still seeing some cm (not ew, just sticky). I thought things were supposed to be as dry as a desert after ewcm!

I hate this! I hate everything about this!

What's worse? Seeing losers abusing their kids, leaving them in dumpsters - why the fuck do those people get to have kids and others (who would treat them right), well, we don't get jack shit. If we do manage something, we have to struggle for it. What the fuck is that all about?!
Maybe I should become a crack addict, start writing bad checks, live in a shithole and practice my abusive beating habits on puppies.

Some have said "Just bite the bullet" (aka, everything happens/doesn't happen for a reason) which, sure, I can accept that. But I am NOT going to swallow the whole damn rifle!

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Imagine the cup of coffee being other job opportunities with my current employer.


That pretty much sums it up.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

What AM I thinking....and here we go again, maybe

I've been working on some freelance web site work and it got me thinking that this is what I'd love to do as a job. Problem with that is that while I have my BA degree, it's not in web design. So now....I'm going back to school for that! LOL! Don't know if it will help me with any job opportunities but it surely can't hurt.
Here's to more homework and final projects!

The HA saga continues...
Thursday could be the day for CB to arrive. When she arrived in July, it was exactly 14 days since I noticed ewcm at the end of June. This Thursday will be 14 days again so who knows. I kind of hope that she'll be here just because it'll seem like everything may be back on track. At the same time, I hope she doesn't so that it could mean I'm pregnant. I don't know what would be the bigger disappointment - having CB or not. Like I said, having it would be a sign that my body is getting back to normal (hopefully). It would be incredibly nerve racking to not have CB show because it could mean I'm pregnant or (and this is the worst case scenario) that my body is still fucked up.
When would I test anyway if CB is a no show?! I hate seeing one line on those damn pregnancy tests! I dare say it's worse than getting a shot - and I hate needles. Literally, will run out of the room if I see one.

So here we go - what will be will be. Let's just hope it's what I want. Let's hope I don't drive my husband crazy.