Monday, July 24, 2006

Different Than I Expected

Being a parent is hard. I knew going into this that it would be a lot of work - diapers/cleaning/spit-up/daycare, etc. What I didn't anticipate is working to be a different type of parent than what I grew up with. I'm not going to go into that, but I want to be one of those parents who don't argue in front of their kids. Sure, that may happen now and then, but it bothers J and I when we do it. We want to raise our child as a unified front.
J is so much better at putting on a poker face than I am. Plus, he can "laugh" his way through tough times. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and get flustered during hard situations. I've quite a long way to go to be the parent I want to be.

I've also realized how little time I have to myself. If I'm not taking care of K, I'm cleaning up. I pride myself on having a home that is presentable for company at any time of the day or night. It's an esteem builder for me. Who knows what kind of "wreck" I'll be when K gets bigger and has more toys.

My emotions have been all over the place and what I've been trying to focus on is just being grateful for what we have and where we are at in our lives. I get caught up in other people's lives/accomplishments sometimes and forget that J, I and K are doing well. We're mostly healthy (J's back is getting better slowly), J and I have good jobs, a good home (even if it is an apartment) and decent family members.

I owe my sanity to J. He serves as my grouding force and without him - who knows where I'd be. Probably with one foot off a bridge. Seriously, that's how I've felt over the past week. Most of it is just adjusting to parenthood while trying to be a good wife as well as dealing w/work.

I don't think I'm depressed. No, I don't think that is it because I am happy overall. I think I just get caught up in "keeping up with the Jones'" and forget to enjoy my life, which isn't bad at all.

Anyway, some days are better than others, but I'm getting there. Slowly, I'll figure out how to be a mommy. A mommy that I want to be.