Thursday, June 01, 2006

The Wholeness of Me

I don't even know where to start...

J has a herniated disk in his back. We already knew this. It happened from a car accident he was in during 2000. Problem is now, he can barely move and by barely I mean can't even stand to pee. There are many other things that he's limited by right now. Too many to go into. We have another DR appt today to get a referral to a specialist. Why make him go in? Just tell us over the phone! Better yet, just make the damn appt with the specialist today - lets skip a step and give J a break!

I feel terrible because there's not much I can do. I help as much as I can (make lunch, arrange pillows on the floor, etc) but it sucks because none of it resolves the problem.

Surgery. That is the next step, I just know it.

Timing sucks. I go back to work next week. Whose going to watch out for him during the day?! He'll be off of work for a while so I have to go to my job. We can't go without money. It's been a stretch for us while I've been on maternity leave.

There are so many things running through my head right now (actually, both of our heads - we're both worried) I can barely keep myself together. His parents came up this past Tuesday to help us and with Baby. I cried when they asked me how I was. Not a major sobbing session, but the tears flowed for about a minute. I NEVER do that. I admit to wearing my heart on my sleeve, but I am pretty good about having a poker face around others (at least until I can get to a bathroom where there's some privacy).

In my twenties (and most of my life, actually) I never cared about anyone or anything other than myself. Sounds stereotypical, but it's true. Now, well, who the hell am I? What am I made up of? I am made up of my husband and my son. J and my son are the only things that matter to me. In this fucked up world, their happiness is all I give a damn about. I'm doing my best to hold it together, but if anything happens I'll most likely end up in a looney bin. I'll loose it in the worst of ways and there won't be a damn thing anyone can do.

For the love of all that is holy - keep them happy/healthy/safe. I know that's asking a lot, but considering that there are people out there doing heinous crimes and getting away with it - I dare ask it again -
For the love of all that is holy - keep them happy/healthy/safe!