K's Big Smile

Pure luck allowed me to get this picture.

Different Than I Expected

Being a parent is hard. I knew going into this that it would be a lot of work - diapers/cleaning/spit-up/daycare, etc. What I didn't anticipate is working to be a different type of parent than what I grew up with. I'm not going to go into that, but I want to be one of those parents who don't argue in front of their kids. Sure, that may happen now and then, but it bothers J and I when we do it. We want to raise our child as a unified front. J is so much better at putting on a poker face than I am. Plus, he can "laugh" his way through tough times. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and get flustered during hard situations. I've quite a long way to go to be the parent I want to be. I've also realized how little time I have to myself. If I'm not taking care of K, I'm cleaning up. I pride myself on having a home that is presentable for company at any time of the day or night. It's an esteem builder for me. Who knows what kind of "wreck" I'll be when K gets bigger and has more toys. My emotions have been all over the place and what I've been trying to focus on is just being grateful for what we have and where we are at in our lives. I get caught up in other people's lives/accomplishments sometimes and forget that J, I and K are doing well. We're mostly healthy (J's back is getting better slowly), J and I have good jobs, a good home (even if it is an apartment) and decent family members. I owe my sanity to J. He serves as my grouding force and without him - who knows where I'd be. Probably with one foot off a bridge. Seriously, that's how I've felt over the past week. Most of it is just adjusting to parenthood while trying to be a good wife as well as dealing w/work. I don't think I'm depressed. No, I don't think that is it because I am happy overall. I think I just get caught up in "keeping up with the Jones'" and forget to enjoy my life, which isn't bad at all. Anyway, some days are better than others, but I'm getting there. Slowly, I'll figure out how to be a mommy. A mommy that I want to be.

You Are 50% Evil You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side. Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination. How Evil Are You?

What We Have Learned (So Far)

There's so much that I didn't anticipate in regards to having a baby/being a parent. POOP One of the more humourous things is that poop has meaning! LOL! I figured that I'd see poopy diapers and that they may be different colors, etc. I NEVER thought I'd be paying attention to how many poops K had each day as well as the color and consistency - all of this to determine what's going on inside him and his body! I used to be disgusted by even thinking about poop/diapers. Now, not so much. That's not to say that I'd like to stare at it all day long for the rest of my life, but since it "means something" I have an entirely different perspective. (Much like the mashed potato mountain Richard Dryfuss made in Close Encounters). NO SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS I have no idea when this happened. We got up last weekend and thought it'd be fun to watch some cartoons with K since he's starting to be able to follow bold colors, etc. After flipping through who-knows-how-many-channels, we found ABSOLUTELY NO CARTOONS. Not a damn thing! I was totally bummed. I can remember when I was a child I'd get up at 5:30am and put together my blanket "fort" and get my cereal/munchies ready (all this while the farm report was on). Then at 6 am came the cartoons! Tom & Jerry, Bugs Bunny, Scooby Doo, Captain Caveman - hours and hours of cartoons. Now, there's informercials and news. No wonder kids are rolling out of bed, into their reclining chairs with xbox controller in hand. There's nothing to fucking watch! IF BABY IS HAPPY, PARENTS ARE HAPPY I don't think I need to explain it any clearer. MAMA LOOK/VOICE K was hating his bath (as usual) last night and towards the end he was screaming his head off and turning beat red. We go through this every night (bath/bottle/bed) and I keep reassuring him in a calm, cute-mama tone. Finally I had had enough (not in a "I'm losing my patience" sort of way, but really the screaming was quite over the top) and abandoned the cute mama voice for a deeper tone and reassured him that he was okay and to calm down. I must've had a mama look to go along with it, because it worked! K cried a couple more times, but I followed it up with the deeper tone of voice and he calmed down. **We'll see how well this goes and if I do indeed have a mama look after tonight's bath. TAKING A TEMPERATURE I have become very skilled at taking a rectal temperature. I don't know that this deserves a badge of honor as I don't enjoy doing it. However, before each time we make a call to the Ped's office we have to do this - in case they ask (and they ALWAYS ask). PUNK BAND MAKES KIDS ALBUMS NOW I was browsing for Clifford the Big Red Dog (K's "favorite" right now - mainly because he's big and red) DVD's and ran across They Might Be Giants. I was taken back to my punk days when TMBG served as my soundtrack while I walked/cycled to the university for classes. Now, they make kids music. Who would've thought! Of course, who would've thought I'd be married and have a child! LOL CAR SEATS MAKE GOOD BEDS Especially when K was sick. Now, he loves it. Won't sleep anywhere else for more than an hour. TRANSITIONING FROM CAR SEAT TO CRIB IS GOING TO BE CHALLENGING See above. BABY MILESTONES They're beginning. K rolled over from his belly to his back yesterday. Of course he was only able to do it once, but that's how things begin. J and I were (of course) ecstatic and probably made more to do about it than other people would. We don't care. It's cool to see how K is growing and doing more things. He "found" his hands over the past 2 weeks and they are in his mouth all the time. Practically everything goes straight to his mouth at this point. He is also holding his head steady and able to raise it up (from tummy position) for about 5-10 seconds. K is still learning to look around while his head is up. If it takes too much work, though, he just puts his head down and mushes his face into the blanket he's laying on (to avoid carpet rash). Now is when we can really start interacting with him. He's starting to recognize us and smile/laugh at certain things. Now is the fun part. I'm excited to start feeding him on rice cereal after our appt with the Ped next month. It will be messy, but totally fun! BABIES + NEW TASTE = BEWILDERED/FUNNY FACE When we gave K some infant tylenol before his shots last month, he made quite the face. Consider that K hasn't had anything but formula/breastmilk since he was born and then introduce grape flavored liquid medicine. He got this look of "what the hell?!" when I squirted the tylenol in there and it made me laugh. I wish I could've gotten a picture of it. ************************************************************ I think that covers things up to this point. Sure, there are other things, but I think I've mentioned them already and since this post has become quite lengthy I will leave it at that. There will definitely be more to come.

K Update - 3 Months

So now that I'm not quite so hormonal with AF, I can take my mother with a grain of salt. It's so much easier to do that when your body isn't going nutso! K is doing well. He's starting to get really alert and now has this thing where he wants/HAS TO BE in the action. He will fuss and cry if you place him on his playmat or swing, so we had to get a front carrier for him. He digs that! We wander around together while I clean up, do laundry, etc. He loves just being able to look around. It's amazing how much he's grown. Already in 6 month clothes because he's getting so long. As of our last DR appt at 2 months, he had grown 3 inches since he was born! I don't know what the average is, but that's pretty impressive. I'm anxious for our next appt in August. We get to start to teach him the fine art of eating rice cereal with a spoon. I can only imagine how "interesting" that's going to be.

Soggy Fishsticks and Warm Jello

I didn't want to start taking BCP's again. AF showed on her own last week and it was actually a nice sign because it meant my body was getting back to normal **on it's own**! The main reason I started them is because we're in no hurry to have #2. We'd both like to have a chance to figure this parenting thing out before we even think about trying again. In a way, I'm disappointed that there aren't other ways to avoid pregnancy while still letting my body act natually. I'm also worried about what will happen when/if we try for #2 - will I have as many problems as I did the first time? Another Blah is that my mother really sucks. I'd like to have a decent relationship with her like most people have, but it isn't going to happen. When she's come over to visit K, she's made the following comments: 1. "If they don't treat you right, you just let grandma know. I'll take care of it." 2. (K is crying - like babies do now and then) "Did Mommy pinch you? Huh, did she pinch you and make you cry?" I'm sitting here trying to figure out exactly how to express my attitude about her and her belittling comments. Aggitated? Sure Hurt? You Bet Confused as all hell as to why MY OWN MOTHER would say these things? Oh Hell Yeah! What takes the cake is that she's no saint! Fuck, I was raised in foster care for a while because she was in jail! How can she have the audaucity to say anything about my or J's parenting?! I could go on and on, but that's a lot of baggage I don't feel like thinking about. It's enough that I'm left with thinking about her at all. Add insult to injury - she doesn't say one bad thing to/about J. It's always me. I'm the "bad" mommy. Not that I want J to receive any of her bullshit, but what the fuck does she have against me? I haven't done anything to her. If anything I've managed to stay out of her hair since I graduated high school so that she could live her life and not have to deal with me. Deal with me, that is how she's come across in regards to being my mom. I admit I'm not perfect and went through the teenage years hellbent on something, although I had no real direction/mind to figure out what that something was. That being said, I didn't cause her THAT much grief during those years. There are certainly more things that could've come up. In comparison to some, I was pretty tame. I think the worst thing I did was steal a CD from a store (of which I was caught and had to work through all of that). I did decide that the next time she sees K, if she makes any comments that belittle me/J/K, I will promptly put my fingers over K's ears and make the "lalalalalala, we don't want to hear the mean things grandma is saying about Mommy." sound to drown her out. Hopefully that will get my point across. If not, then I'll have to be a bitch and call her out. She wants to make mean comments about me and question my parenting, well I'll just have to remind her what I went through growing up with her as my mom. It was never peaches and creme - no, more like soggy fishsticks and warm jello.

Missing K

I really miss K today. If I could've stayed home with him and just played that would've been great! He's becoming more alert and playful which is so much fun to watch. It's amazing to compare how he is now versus just 1 1/2 months ago. I love seeing his smile and his little laughs. Well, the laughs sound more like a sigh and chuckle at the same time, but I don't care. It's cute. I found some pictures of him from May when he just started to smile. There aren't many of him facing the camera and smiling so these are treasures. He has a tendency to just stare at the camera like "what the hell are you doing?" when we try to catch him smiling. Oh I miss him so much today. I'll be counting down the hours until the work day is done. I think I may skip my workout tonight to just hang out with him. Maybe instead of running we'll go outside and walk. Depends on how hot it is. I'd like to go walk with him. We haven't done that in a while.

Here We Go Again

On a unsuspecting trip to the restroom, AF decided to surprise me! All at once I was excited (my body was getting back to itself) and apprehensive. Here we go again is running through my head. I'm going to start bcp on Sunday because we're in no hurry to have #2 quite yet. I just wonder what will happen when we try for #2 - will my body be as stubborn as it was trying for #1 or will things be smoother? Who knows.

Happy July 4th (a little late)

K is doing much better now that he's getting over his cold. I'm thankful that's all it was, but we still worried like mad. That little man has us wrapped around his fingers LOL! We went to visit grandma and grandpa (J's parents) and it was our first trip with him that wasn't a grocery store or to/from daycare. He didn't pretty well all day, but the night was rough. K is starting to get a routine of a bath, bottle/book and then bed and we didn't do that since we had to drive home Tuesday night. That messed him up and he got overtired and cranky. I think J and I got 3 hours of sleep that night. Somehow, we managed to get through the day. He did sleep through the night last night, though, which was a blessing. :) He's starting to do that a little more now, maybe once or twice a week. Of course, he's been sleeping in his car seat (due to the cold) so that may change when he goes back into his crib. I'm hoping that he'll get used to being in it again. His baptism is this weekend. It's weird to think that it'll be my child up there getting drizzled (lol) and probably screaming at the top of his lungs. I hope I can put on a good face and not look panicked if he does start getting antsy! I'm trying to perfect that "just taking it in stride" look that I've seen well-seasoned moms have. Right now, well, I've no idea if I'm coming close. So, here he is on the 4th, which also marks his 10 week old "birthday". I'm so excited to be able to interact with him more. I also am a sucker for his smile. We're still trying to get one where he's looking at the camera but for now a side one will have to do.