361 Days Ago

One Year Ago (ok, almost a year ago. But it's pretty damn close) - Now - I know he's "technically" still considered an infant, but to me K is becoming a little boy. I'm so excited to see all the things he's learning.

It Begins...

K started rolling over this weekend. He's done it a couple times before, but they were more "accidental". LOL!

Steppin' Out!

A little shopping with K today.

Ugh

I feel like a terrible person right now. Some backstory: K is 4 months old and various things have come up with him from a couple colds to the latest, thrush. The Pediatrican, Dr. V, was great. Perhaps on the conservative side of treatment style, but good none the less. HOWEVER, the other DR's that work in the clinic w/Dr V. are idiots! If Dr. V was out of the office and we had to call to get advice on how to help K get through a cold or what to do to help w/his spit up, etc we'd get one of the other 3 doctors. Well, it usually ended up with their advice being different from Dr. V. Not just a little different, but COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! The latest example of this difference is with treating K's thrush. First, we gave him nystatin (didn't do a damn thing & was suggested by a different doctor). Then, we tried gentian violet (was suggested by DR. V). So on the third try because the thrush wasn't going away, we called in and got a different DR and they said to take the nystatin again and "wait for it to run it's course - it could take 6 more weeks." SIX MORE WEEKS?! I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO! If you had an illness, would you wait it out for 6 more weeks, especially after you had it for 2 weeks already?! So I take K to a different Dr and request a transfer of records to this new Dr. because he's closer and seems good. I specifically ask if the other DR's that share his clinic have similar treatment styles and he says yes and we talk about a few other things as well. Today, DR V calls personally asking about what happened and why we were transfering records, etc. I felt soooo bad! We liked/do like Dr V., but just couldn't take the other Dr's and the varying opinions on treatment. We also found out that Dr. V would have prescribed SOMETHING TOTALLY DIFFERENT than what the other Dr. did and wouldn't have made K "wait it out for another 6 weeks." I feel like Dr. V was on our side and by changing DR's I've just screwed things up. At the same time, I can't handle the other Dr's in his clinic anymore. J did get to talk to DR. V about it all, and Dr V. said it's okay to try other DR's and if things aren't what we expect them to be, we are more than welcome to come back to his office. Ug, I hope I didn't screw things up. I wish Dr. V practiced at a different office. We'd stay with him then.

Surreal Reassurance

I was holding K the other day and I could feel his heartbeat. I'm sure I've felt it before and it doesn't take more than a little whine from him to reassure me that he's alive and kicking. LOL. But this time, I conciously realized that I could feel his heart beating against my palm and it was incredible. Incredible and surreal. I wish I could describe it better. The only things that went through my mind were one or two word fragments: cool surreal love awe holy shit! I remember looking down at him playing with his alphabet links and just being awestruck. A year ago, K's heart was just beginning to be developed and now here it is beating away while he hurls a black and white "A" link across the floor. Even now, when I think about it, all I can do is stop typing, sit still and remember. Nothing like having a child to make you appreciate something as simple (and yet so complex) as feeling a heart beat. ***This post led me to think about how much crap J, K and I have gone through over the past year. J and I have talked about our frustrations and keep reassuring each other. J mentioned that when he lived in Denver he'd go to the top of Mount Evans and just look out over everything. He'd get a real appreciation for things and be able to put things in perspecive. I realized that my "thing" to help put things in perspective is feeling K's heart beat. As I've been typing, I've calmed down and feel a bit more reassured (even if it is only a little bit). Since there are absolutely no mountains in Nebraska, maybe this could be J's thing as well. Am I being cheesy? Perhaps. But I'll take whatever we can get to keep us from going bonkers.

Thursday Thirteen

This morning I was thinking about how this has been the year of the medical expenses for our family. That led me to thinking about the Chinese calendar and how each year is named for a certain animal / characteristic. Somehow, and I’m not sure how, I put the two together and started thinking what characterized each year and what would I name them. This takes me to this week’s Thursday Thirteen: Year of . . . 2006 – Medical Expenses Anyone whose been reading my blog for a little while will see this replayed more often than I care to count! 2005 – College Graduation/Job Hunt Just what it says 2004 – Weight Loss I signed up in October 2003 with Weight Watchers because I had not only held onto the Freshman Fifteen from college, but also those extra pounds since getting married. I lost the most during 2004, reached my weight goal and kept it off until I got pregnant. I went from 156 to 124 – and I don’t mind sharing that! 2003 – Job Switch Both J and I switched jobs this year. 2002 – Wedding J and I tied the knot! I never in my life thought it would happen. 2001 – Pull My Head Out of My Ass You could say I was “mentally challenged” in the years that proceeded 2001 (keep reading to find out why). This was the year I decided to do something about it! 2000 – Trouble With the Law Yup, I fucked up and got caught. It was good though because it made me realize that I was heading down the same path as a relative of mine. I had no desire to be anything like her, so spending a night in jail was my epiphany. 1999 – Break-up/Back Together J and I had some bumps this year. As you can tell we kissed and made up by the time we got married. 1998 – Moved to City from College Town This was the biggest move I ever made. I was so accustomed to the “ho-hum” life of College Town that when I got offered a job and could relocate – I jumped at the chance. It was the first time that I really moved away from my mother, too. Meaning, more than 5 miles. 1997 – First Cool Apartment of My Own College Town had some decent areas and I managed to score a very cool apartment in one of them. It was an old hotel that had been converted to studio apartments. What was nice was that they actually worked out to be 1 bedrooms instead of studios. It was also next to Hazel Abel Park, which was Tim Burton creepy in the winter when the days were short and there was a lot of snow on the ground. It gives you an idea of the “historic” area, which I adored then and still do! 1996 – Apartment With Roommate Amy You hear funny stories about how roommates leave socks or something on the door handle to let the other roommate know that they have “company”. Well, this was the first time I experienced it first hand. I had to sit outside the apartment door and wait for them to finish. It sucked. It also made me realize that I needed my own place! LOL 1995 – The Big “Piss Off” to My Mother and Many Others – Hello Again “J”! I decided to do things for myself and BE MYSELF. See 1994 for explanation. I met up with J again (after on and off dating over the past 3 years). 1994 – Do As Others Expect Me To When I finished high school, I didn’t know that I wanted to go to college. I took a couple years off and just worked. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, so I managed to allow myself to be led by what other people thought I should be doing. This included me starting college, going to church with my mother, having the majority of my friends come from said church, doing whatever church friends were doing – generally just going along blindly and not giving a shit about much of anything. Get the Thursday Thirteen code here! The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted! View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Mommy - 1 / K - 173

So this morning K woke up to "eat" (inhale from the bottle) and when he was done he was in no mood to go back to sleep. So instead I put him in his exersaucer and set him outside the bathroom door while I got ready for work. He enjoyed grabbing the giraffe rattle and banging against "whatever toy got in the way". We had safely made it through the 20 minutes it takes me to get ready without any howls of frustration when I made my way around the corner and into the kitchen to get some breakfast. K was still able to see me (and I him) so we were still good. As I was getting things ready, I noticed that K had gotten quiet and was just staring in the general area around me/the kitchen floor/rug by the pantry. I thought to myself that he is ready to be out of the exersaucer. He's on the verge of having enough and ready to start fussing. I wondered if I was right with my assumption and thought I'd leave him in it, to see if I had indeed "figured him out". About 1 1/2 minutes passed and he looked up at me, bounced up in the chair and began his tirade. LOL! I knew it! HA! I felt like a true mom who knows her son! Even if it was only this one time, it was awesome! Score 1 for Mommy!

Who Loves Their Exersaucer!

Again...

J is hurt again. He did something to his neck/shoulders and is now in more pain. I have no idea what to do or what to say. All I do know is that I can't take much more of this! K has thrush, J is hurt - wtf?! Does life want me to taking a flying leap of a bridge because when the shit hits the fan over and over and over (and over and over and over and over and over and over) I get the feeling that it does. How many times have we had to go through this so far this year?! I don't even want to count it up because it'll depress me more. Um, excuse me LIFE - would you mind cutting us a fucking break?! Not next week or next year. Right fucking NOW!

Thursday Thirteen

After visiting Poopy Digs blog today I thought I'd join in on the Thursday Thirteens. This is my first, so here's hoping it doesn't sound assine. Thirteen Things about MOI 1. I love being able to take a post that had been posted and turn it into a draft so that it won't show up on the blog. 2. I'm hoping the "third times a charm" holds true for K. He now has thrush and this makes the 3rd "illness" he's had in 2 1/2 months. 3. Dear daycare provider, I stayed a few minutes extra because you left K on the couch to go make him a bottle and I didn't feel comfortable with that. 4. J's birthday is coming up and I'm not sure what to get him. 5. I hope the part-time rep shows up every day next week. 6. I didn't do well on my post-partum "diet" these past 2 days so I'm starting again. 7. I miss the chocolate that I had these past 2 days. 8. I'm grateful that K has slept through the night for the past 2 nights. 9. I still wake up 2x/night and check on K. I don't mind because I can hear him breathing and that reassures me. 10. I hope daycare provider isn't giving me a line of bullshit by telling me that K is a good baby. I really hope he is. 11. I hope J's back gets better and stays better. 12. I need a cool logo for the Thursday Thirteen. 13. Why is it Thursday Thirteen? Why not two, twelve or twenty. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. Bloggin' Outloud 2. My Two Cents 3. Tinkerbell 4. Knitting Maniac 5. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!) Get the Thursday Thirteen code here! The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted! View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Coincidence?

I initially had posted this and then took it down. I started thinking that if I censored myself on my own blog, well what would be the point of even having the blog in the first place?! I started this damn thing so that I could say what I wanted, when I wanted and not have to worry whether or not someone would approve. So now, this post is back up and I'm not taking it down. I can't explain this, but I just have to get it out there! When K got his first cold, it was after B (my mom) came to visit. Then, he got his second cold after B came to K's baptism and visited long into the afternoon. NOW - it looks like K may have thrush, and B visited us last weekend! What the fucking hell?! Why is it after each of B's visits, something goes wonky with K?! Is she some bizarre carrier of name-the-illness? Maybe it's daycare, but I don't know. Things seem to come up only after B visits. If it was daycare, he'd be sick all of the time because he goes there everyday. I'm just trying to wrap my head around this because frankly both J and I are getting tired of taking K into the DR. It's like he catches something and has it for 3 weeks, gets better for 1 week and then catches something else! BTW,I know that young children, especially infants, catch all sorts of things because their immune system is building itself up, but good fucking christ!!! Can't we catch a break with this stuff! I don't think we've had one month go by without one of us in this family being sick or hurt. Ugh. Perhaps this post comes off as harsh against B. In my defense, I know B much better than you do. I also know B's hygiene practices - or lack thereof. This is the same B who wanted to go shopping w/me last winter while having double pneomonia. Should I mention that I was still pregnant then and if I had caught it there may have been problems for me during the rest of my pregnancy?! This is the same B who when I came home from the hospital w/K wanted to hold him, which was fine. Then B proceeded to cough all over him - supposedly asthma related but even still - asthma or not there are still germs coming out of your mouth! And need I mention that this is the same B that we have to constantly shove hand sanitizer in front of before she handles K. I guess the numerous bottles of it set out all over the house aren't OBVIOUS ENOUGH. I also know B doesn't wash her hands. At all. So yes, this post is harsh towards B. When B starts having to take time off of work, be up with K 3x/night, take K to the DR, pay his DR bills - then, and ONLY THEN, will I even think about recanting this post.

Here I go

I'm sitting here devouring popcorn and browsing through some blogs that I had bookmarked the other day. The first one TKO caught my interest because they had indicated that we lived in the same state. I kept reading because I was interested in her story and all that she's gone through. (Check it out if you want to know more) While I was going through TKO, I read post #228 about "How to Blog" and followed the link, much like following the rabit down the hole, and discovered .Tony Pierce. I read the post offering some tips to make blogging more interesting and thought mine could use that. So, anyway, here I am. And here I go. Work calls

K is growing up!

As promised, the pic of K holding his own bottle.

Today I Want to be Mommy

I am so not focused on getting any work done. I keep looking at pictures of K on my desk and would really love to be home with him. Sure, I'd be covered in spit up and drool and trying to work through his fussy bouts, but today I don't think I'd mind. K was really funny this morning when we were feeding him. He decided that he was going to hold his own bottle! It was cute and we have some pics that I'll post later. He did okay for having to hold something (the bottle) that was awkward and much bigger than the rattles/links he's used to. It wouldn't be any fun, either, if the bottle didn't go flying out of his hands a few times! LOL. He's also laughing more. I've found a few tickle spots that I try and use to my advantage if he's getting fussy. Sometimes it works, other times I piss him off more. Ah, the joys of parenthood! It's all hit or miss. I was also "taken" this morning. K was in his crib and he started crying, but it was different than before. It was more of a fussy/I'm lonely/need attention cry. I can't explain how I could tell the difference - it was just, well, different. Instead of the usual long wail/scream it had more short bursts and was then quieter inbetween. Anyway, I knew I was in for it when I went into K's room and looked over the crib and he saw me and then giggled! Yes, he giggled at me like "I got you!" I just shook my head. Yes, you did little man. Yes, you did. We then proceeded to play for 10 minutes as I switched him out of his PJ's and into his day clothes. I am so glad that he's more interactive now. That has really helped us bond even more. Of course, now instead of going batty from little sleep, we're spending our time trying to figure out how to amuse a 4 month old. (and go batty from little sleep - see post below)

Ok, Fine Then! (Dear Son, Part 2)

Stay awake all night long! It's okay. We don't mind one bit. Signed - Your Parents.

Dear Son

Please sleep through the night again. You were doing really well for 2 weeks in a row! Love, Your Parents.

Blowing the Bell Curve

"To the whole world you might be just one person, but to one person you might just be the whole world." Joseph Campbell This was emailed to me in one of those monthly baby "deals" from various companies. There suggestion was to write about how it feels to be a mother with a baby this age (3 1/2 months). You are literally your baby's whole world. Write about how it feels to be someone else's whole world, as well as how it feels to have someone else be your whole world. I can sum it up in one word - overwhelming. Ok, I'll get serious. I can't fathom what K must think of me. If I could peek into his brain, I'd probably see that he thinks I'm an emotional, stressed, kind of fun at times woman who changes my diaper and forces me to lay on my tummy until I get red faced and cry. I can't imagine being anyone's whole world. I can't imagine mattering that much to someone else. Sure the 3 of us mean a lot to each other, but, I don't know...I never have felt that important to anyone. Not to the point where I'm their whole world and they're entirely dependent on me. This is new territory for me. Again, blowing the bell curve.

The Laugh!

We got this on video last week. I could watch it all day long! It may be a bit grainy and dark because we grabbed our digital camera to record it and didn't change any settings. You have to be quick with little ones - moments like these pass VERY quickly.

Not Alone

I love reading the momma blogs! It's so nice to know that I'm not the only one going through this (which I already know but it doesn't sink in). I can laugh at some of them because I've been there a few dozen times in the 3 1/2 months. I wish I could be as funny as they are. It seems to make the situation easier to get through when you have a sense of humor about it. I'll get there, eventually. Right now I'm just worried about K's cold. He *seems* to be getting better, but everytime I think that he'll have a huge cough and I just cringe because I can only imagine how that must feel for him. I hate that my boy has a cold. I hate that the DR says we have to "let it run it's course." It seems so unfair to K. I think I'll tell the DR that and see what he says. (yes I know that they don't want to give young infants too much as far as medicines because it can affect what they can take later on - but still!) So, I'll focus on the good stuff K has been doing. Yesterday, he managed to "sit up" for about 7 seconds. Not straight, kind of hunched over and leaning to the left, but he was on his own and it was cool! He gets this look on his face when we get excited for him. It's like, "what the hell am I doing and why are you looking at me that (crazy mom/dad) way?" We can't help it, although maybe we should tone it down a bit. K rolled from his belly to his back about a week ago purely by accident. He didn't know what he was doing nor was he trying to do it. Oh the ruckus we made when we saw that! Poor K - his eyes got really big and he looked stunned. We had a good laugh, K shit his pants (literally, LOL). I could go on and on but there is work to do. I'll have to pick 1 or 2 things out and write them up as we go. That way my posts won't be so long. Besides, I love thinking about K. Even at his worst (screaming at 3 am because he doesn't want to sleep anymore and I'm pacing the hallway hell bent w/a pacifier) I love the little guy.

14 Weeks

I was 14 weeks pregnant the last week of October 2005. We had a DR appt and got to hear the heartbeat again and took the triple screen test which came out fine. I remember being so nervous about those results. I was faced with potentially having to make a gut renching decision should the results come back with a high risk. I remember that time. It was the first time that I felt "attached" to K. Sure I knew I was pregnant, etc but it all felt surreal even after hearing the heartbeat. Perhaps that's because it had taken so long to actually get pregnant. When I was faced with potential concerns for K's health and development before he really got going, it-I can't even explain the feelings. It made me sad to think that there could be problems, much less how we'd deal with them. Thankfully, the test came back fine. ******************************* Now, K is 14 weeks old and he's battling his 2nd cold. I feel so bad for him because there's not much we can do. We keep suctioning out his nose, elevating the head of his crib - poor guy sounds terrible. I feel so inept because no matter what we've done so far, it's not getting any better. I hate to see my guy sick. I just want to cuddle with him. I want to get a mini tv and rocker and sit in his room and just hang out with him. There've been times when I've wondered what being a mom is supposed to feel like. I think this is it. I admit that I didn't have that "hollywood romantic" feeling of immediate joy after his birth and with the challenges that came up shortly thereafter (jer's back going out/more medical bills/going back to work) it made it difficult to just get through the day. Now, though, it's falling into place. I realize that I'm not one to be uber "gushy" with anyone or anything and that's okay. It doesn't mean that I don't care. I see it as special. The way I feel towards J and K means a lot to me and I want to keep it precious and meaningful. I do that by not spilling out every emotion I have for them. I'm learning, slowly. Although I'm probably blowing the bell curve! LOL

New Territory (Angels Bowling/God Takes Pictures)

It stormed pretty badly overnight, which woke me up briefly. Usually I can go back to sleep with no problem. Then I heard K rustling around and thought maybe the thunder woke him up. I went to check on him and he was fast asleep. I've heard that storms can scare little kids and wondered what I'd say to him if he got scared during a storm when he was older. I don't remember where I read this, but someone mentioned that they tell their child that the angels are bowling (thunder). That sounds good but what about the lightning? In my morning stupor, watching the storm unfurl itself outside the patio door, I thought "god is taking pictures (lightning)". That would probably work too. I can totally see myself saying that to him. I hope it works. Is this what it means to be a mom? Trying to anticipate what might frighten K and figure out what will (hopefully) calm him down? This is new territory for me.