I'm Married Again!

LOL! 2 1/2 months post-partum - my wedding rings fit again! I've missed them sooooooo much!

My Little Trooper!

K has his first cold. Thankfully that's all it is and not croup or anything worse. We made a trip to the DR yesterday to make sure, since I've no idea what to do w/an infant battling a cold. DR was pleased that we were suctioning out his nose and running a humidifier in his room. We just have to wait it out now. He's such a trooper because even though he has a rough sounding cough and stuffy nose, he's pretty much all smiles. It cracks me up. Sure he's fussy when he's coughing, but once he gets that out of his system his eyes open big and he starts looking around and smiling - as if he wasn't sick at all. I am grateful because I'm sure it could be worse. There's been no fever and K has been eating well. It still sucks to see him not feeling 100% well. Hopefully it will pass soon. This has made me realize that I'm a mom and not just a "care giver". Of course I knew that before, but it's really sunk in now that I have to pay attention to the color of his boogers as well as take his temperature by sticking a thermometer up his butt. I'm chuckling just thinking about this. Never did I imagine doing this type of stuff. The stuff only a mom would do and not be grossed out by. :) Well, maybe a little bit. Mucous and poop can have some really funky/bizarre colors! LOL! And those colors have meaning, believe it or not. I've no idea who determined what each color stands for, but good for them if it helps DR's and nurses figure out what is wrong. Good for them, but maybe not so good for parents who're scratching their heads trying to remember what their child ate that could produce THAT color and smell! Oh, don't get me started on smell....... UPDATE - My Product Plug Thinking of poop color reminded of 2 situations when K had "explosive" poop that went over the changing table and onto the floor in a lovely neon green streak (snark). All parents need this! http://tinyurl.com/gknj3 It will save your carpet, I swear by it! It cleaned the poop stain out of our tan carpet in no time. Should you choose to not invest in that, I would then recommend this: http://www.dickblick.com/zz049/79/ Trust me, you'll need it.

Obscure Beatles Song

Which Obscure Yet Great Beatles Song are You? DIG A PONY-- Youre one of a kind, thats for sure! Part diamond in the rough, part acid trip, completely passionate. You dont have all the answers. Youre not even sure of the question half of the time! But what you DO know is pretty mind blowing. Keep on following your own path; itll eventually lead you to where you want to go. Take this quiz! Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code I now must go find this song because I've never heard it!

What to Watch For

As I was feeding K today I happened to be looking at his eyelashes. I've noticed them before, but today it really sunk in how much they've grown. A lot of things grow on a baby, but it's the little things that I've noticed. I remember when we first got him home and I was feeding him. His eyelashes weren't very long at all. Now, well they're incredible! I don't know why it's caught my attention. Maybe because it's one of the things you don't really think about. At least not as much as his body overall. Speaking of things to watch for, we have a picture where K is freshly born and part of him is purpleish as he is beginning to pink up. It's crazy to see, but pretty cool at the same time. J said that seeing him come out and "pink up" is something he'll never forget (*for any pregnant ladies out there, make it a point to watch for this! Open your eyes and watch for it. Tell you DR and nurses you want to see this. It's truly amazing).

To Sleep, Perchance To Dream

Imagine this picture (8 x 11 size) in a black 11x17 frame with a nice matte (maybe white?): Think that will make J melt for Father's Day?! :) I hope so.

This Weekend - One Year Ago

I was organizing CD's! How exciting that must've been! I actually do remember sitting on the floor in our office going through cd's that I had made and writing down the track listings. This year I'll be consumed with J and K. This will be J's first Father's Day and K will be just doing his baby thing. We don't really have any plans for Father's Day. Mainly because J is still recovering. I did get him a card but that's it so far. I'd hoped to come up with some brilliant crafty idea, but it hasn't hit me yet. Or has it.....hmmmmm

Slowly But Surely

Things are getting better. That's not to say life is peaches and creme right now, but it's getting there. J has been able to work 1/2 days which is promising. He still has to take it easy and can't zip around like he used to, but he's able to stand/walk/shower/ride in a car - all the things we truly take for granted until we can't do them anymore. That has elevated my mood like you wouldn't believe. Last night J overdid it a bit which caused him to be sore for most of the night, but he's okay. I can tell he's anxious to get back to doing things like he used to. K is doing fine at daycare. Our latest "bump" has been with pacifiers. We've gone through 3 different brands to no avail. B has one that he loves (Soothie)! I'm not certain if this is the right brand, but tonight I'm going to ask to look at it again to make sure. Then, it's off to the store. It's hard to believe that K is 7 weeks old. I don't think time has passed that quickly ever in my life! It's almost a blur trying to remember the first few weeks home and how much trouble we were having with figuring out how much K needed to eat, when (and where) he would sleep, how we would sleep... I'm just shaking my head at it all. What really seems "odd" to me is that I can tell people what K likes/doesn't like, how much he eats/sleeps, how often he poops and the color (OMG, LOL!), etc. The general care info everyone asks about. Maybe "odd" isn't the word, but I can't think of anything else. It's just the idea that I know so much about another person other than myself. Motherhood is slowly sinking in. Of course, now that I've blogged about it, K is going to totally switch it up and prove me wrong! LOL! For now, I can take a breath. Although things are still up in the air, it's calming down bit by bit. I'll take that any day.

K and His Ceiling Fans

K has a thing for ceiling fans. You can't see the fan in the above pic, but he is just staring at it with all his might. LOL! When he went to daycare yesterday, he did the same thing. B had a good chuckle about it. We haven't figured out why or what it is about ceiling fans, but who cares. It's funny. :)

Said My Peace (History Won't Repeat)

So I've been thinking (while catching up on work) about how I said that parents don't have routines anymore (at least new ones like me), etc, etc. I realized that I'm beginning to act/sound like my mother. No offense to her, she raised me as a single parent when "single parenthood" wasn't en vogue and for that I'm grateful. However, someone pointed out to me that it seemed like I was "in the way" of her living her life as I was growing up. That I didn't fit into her routine. It has struck me that I may be heading down that same path with my own child and that I will not have. I admit that it will take some work on my part. I'm a routine oriented person and live for structure! (you may wonder why I wanted children if that were the case - I guess I like a challenge. LOL) I don't ever want my son (or future children) to feel like they are in my way or cumbersome to me. My history will not repeat itself through my kids! I've said my peace and counted to three.

A Fitting Name

I have realized that being a parent is more work than I anticipated. I knew it was work, but this has taken me by surprise, so to speak. I feel like an extended babysitter (!) more than a mom. I haven't figured out why that is. I love K, but the euphoria that everyone talks about hasn't hit me quite yet. Maybe because euphoria = relaxation and K has been anything but. LOL. He's not a bad/fussy baby-just work. Welcome to Real Parenthood. PSA for future parents: Your "routine" in life (from cleaning the dishes, laundry, going to the store, hopping in the car to get gas, sleeping, choosing which outfit to wear to work) is no more! You have no routine. I knew this too before getting pregnant, however I didn't realize to what extent. When I pick out what to wear in the morning, I have to make sure I have 2-3 other options in case I get spit up on or poo'd on. Routine, no such thing anymore. That takes me to the title of my blog. I totally feel like I'm just crashing through things as I learn how to be a parent. I can only hope that I'm not scarring K for life as I try to figure things out. J went to work today for 1/2 day. He did okay. We can't ask for anything more than that. Progress is slow, but he's getting there. We're hoping he doesn't have to go in for another epidural shot of the anti-inflammatory. His boss has been very understanding throughout this entire time. Thankfully! K went to daycare for the first time today. I hope all is well. B hasn't called saying anything is wrong or asking about anything. I'm grateful for that. Speaking of K: With that, I'm back to work. PS - It's good to have something upbeat to blog about, even if it's somewhat subdued.

When shit goes bonkers in life, I clean and organize like a mad woman. I may not have control over everything, but I do over how my home looks - right down to the Kitchen cabinets. LOL in spite of myself. J is getting better. Still very slowly and he's going to try to go to work tomorrow. I hope he can make it.

Pinhole

I see it, the tiniest pinhole of hope. J is showing progress. He's able to stand up and walk around, although not for very long. Maybe 5 minutes at a time. Now he just has to be able to sit down in a chair. That's what we're hoping for over the next 2 days. He has a desk job, so sitting is pretty much a requirement. The walking/standing he can do with crutches if need be. I'm still hesitant to rest my hopes on anything, yet. I just hope that he'll be able to go back to work this coming Monday. So many things hang in the balance right now - just let the scales tip in our favor.

Pull Up A Chair

to see our entire life unraveling. J = no improvement, going on week 2 of no work which means no money Baby = fine, but I can barely take care of him Me = lucky if I get to brush my hair and teeth every day

PSA - Humor (aka Dear Mother)

When people are going through a really difficult time (see my posts over the past week) and are facing not only physical impairments but also the probability of loosing a job, health insurance, accumulating bills and home all while dealing with being first time parents to a 6 week old baby - JOKES ARE NOT FUNNY! IT'S IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY TO HAVE YOU QUIP ABOUT OUR CONCERNS AND TRY TO MAKE LIGHT OF A VERY SERIOUS SITUATION. SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU ARE NOT FUNNY. AND DON'T TELL ME YOU UNDERSTAND! YOU DON'T! YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS SO QUIT TRYING TO "RELATE" TO WHAT WE'RE GOING THROUGH.

Dissolve

Dissolving "To cause to break down emotionally or psychologically; upset." http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=dissolving Dissolved Girl" by Massive Attack http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/massiveattack/dissolvedgirl.html I feel like everything that was stable around me and my family is now dissolving. So many worries bombard me every morning. I'm doing my best to take care of J through this ordeal as well as Baby but I fear that I'm neglecting them both. I focus on helping J take a shower while Baby has to chill in the crib. I barely get 5 minutes to eat before going to get Baby and spend some time with him. This entire situation is crap. This is no way to begin a new life with Baby. I can't even begin to count how many times I've cried in the bathroom over this. Hell, I'm even crying as I type this. If things don't turn for the better, it may be the end of me. I'm doing what I can to take care of J and Baby as well as keeping our home up (cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping) - somewhere in there I manage time to brush my hair and teeth and switch out of my pajamas. All I keep thinking is that there is no fucking point to this. Nothing to be learned by watching my husband suffer through so much pain, nor feeling guilty because I'm trying to take care of a baby as a new mom and J. What am I supposed to "learn" from this?! That god/karma/fate has a fucked up view on what's okay to dish out to people? Fucked up indeed. There should be a checks and balances system for god/karma/fate similar to what is in place for our government. To make sure that no one person/family gets any more crap tossed at them than anyone else. And, to make sure that people only have to deal with one "event" at a time. No more of this bombarding shitloads of stuff on people all at once. This is probably in vain, but I keep holding out hope that tomorrow (and the next day, and the next, etc) shows some improvement. Why? Who the hell knows. "Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks: I'm not ready to make nice, I'm not ready to back down, I'm still mad as hell And I don't have time To go round and round and round That is how I feel towards whatever "force" seems to think it's okay to fucking rain down this mis-fortune on J. There is no point to it. There is no reason for a decent person to have to go through this much suffering. No reason at all. Save it for the pedifiles and murders, not for those who are doing their best to be decent and responsible people.

Where it goes from here

Yesterday afternoon was nerve-racking and semi-productive. J went to see a neurosurgeon and we were told (thankfully) that he doesn't need surgery. Instead, he was able to receive a epidural/steriod shot in his back which is supposed to relieve the inflamation which will in turn relieve the pain. The herniation of the disk will still be there, but the "madness" that is going on around it and causing all of the pain should be taken care of. Here's to hoping he only needed this one shot. DR said that it can sometimes take 2-3 shots to be effective. J was such a trooper. I really hope that he doesn't have to have any more. I had an epidural during labor, so I understand how freaked out he was and how much it hurts. The difference with his is that he had all of the medicine put in at once whereas with mine the medicine was put in via an IV type bag/device and spread out evenly over time. I have to type this so that I remember. The nurse and the technician at the hospital were great! JK and KM were helpful and really helped J when he couldn't even get out of the wheelchair at first. They showed compassion and did their best to lighten the mood to help J feel a little better, even though they understood J was about to have a needle shot in his back. I am so grateful to them because of that. Also because by the time we got to the hospital (after running to the DR first and then a specialist and then the hospital) J was worn out/in pain and I was all nerves. There was so much adreneline running through us and we hadn't eaten since that morning - it was nice to come in and have them take care of us. I also must thank his parents. They came down early in the day to watch Baby so that we didn't have to take him along to all of these appointments. That was so awesome, I can't even begin to express how grateful I am. We are trying to figure out what to do for them as a thank you. They say that we don't "owe" them anything, but I have to do something. J and I were thinking of mailing them a gas card. They live 45 minutes (50 miles) away so it would definitely be something they could use. It's also moments like this when I realize how lucky I am to be married to J and to have his family like me and consider me one of their own. So many people don't get along with their in-laws and couldn't ask them for help in a pinch. I have been so fortunate. So, that's a brief summary of where things are at. The DR said it could take approx. 2 days for the medicine to get to all the affected areas and for J to feel better. Here's hoping this takes. J is already feeling better, although still sore. He will be for a little while longer, but at least it's not like it was.

The Wholeness of Me

I don't even know where to start... J has a herniated disk in his back. We already knew this. It happened from a car accident he was in during 2000. Problem is now, he can barely move and by barely I mean can't even stand to pee. There are many other things that he's limited by right now. Too many to go into. We have another DR appt today to get a referral to a specialist. Why make him go in? Just tell us over the phone! Better yet, just make the damn appt with the specialist today - lets skip a step and give J a break! I feel terrible because there's not much I can do. I help as much as I can (make lunch, arrange pillows on the floor, etc) but it sucks because none of it resolves the problem. Surgery. That is the next step, I just know it. Timing sucks. I go back to work next week. Whose going to watch out for him during the day?! He'll be off of work for a while so I have to go to my job. We can't go without money. It's been a stretch for us while I've been on maternity leave. There are so many things running through my head right now (actually, both of our heads - we're both worried) I can barely keep myself together. His parents came up this past Tuesday to help us and with Baby. I cried when they asked me how I was. Not a major sobbing session, but the tears flowed for about a minute. I NEVER do that. I admit to wearing my heart on my sleeve, but I am pretty good about having a poker face around others (at least until I can get to a bathroom where there's some privacy). In my twenties (and most of my life, actually) I never cared about anyone or anything other than myself. Sounds stereotypical, but it's true. Now, well, who the hell am I? What am I made up of? I am made up of my husband and my son. J and my son are the only things that matter to me. In this fucked up world, their happiness is all I give a damn about. I'm doing my best to hold it together, but if anything happens I'll most likely end up in a looney bin. I'll loose it in the worst of ways and there won't be a damn thing anyone can do. For the love of all that is holy - keep them happy/healthy/safe. I know that's asking a lot, but considering that there are people out there doing heinous crimes and getting away with it - I dare ask it again - For the love of all that is holy - keep them happy/healthy/safe!