Silly Mommy! Of Course I Want to Play with the Christmas Tree!

Pod People?! Where?!

Track #20 - Shout This is the sound/screech K makes when he gets really, really excited while playing. Should we be running away?

Happy Turkey Day - Belated

Message Board + Sad Baby Story = What Have I Done?!

Please tell me my son won't be brain damaged! In October, this incident happened. Today, on a different message board, I read about someone's child that got flipped out of their bassinet and has ever since then been epileptic and mentally retarded. NOT the thing to read, EVER! Especially when I still feel horrible about the whole thing.

Hmmm, Maybe a Sign?

Whether K is sitting in his high chair or playing on the floor, he likes to raise his hands and bang on things. It doesn't matter if it's a toy, his knee, or ME (LOL)! Anway, I notice that he raises his hand up to his forehead and taps it with his thumb. Much like the sign for Daddy. Since he waves his hands around while playing, I am not certain that he his doing an actual sign. Plus, he's only 7 months old. I would be pretty impressed if he was and yet a little sad that he hasn't done anything close to Mommy. In time, I'm sure.

Moving On

So, SIL (Aunt C to K) and I got to talk about what happened. She had seen some of the stuff I have mentioned which served to validate me even more. That was nice. It was also nice to make sure that I hadn't said or done anything to piss her off (or anyone else for that matter). She has a very good perspective on certain members of the family which can only come from knowing them a lot longer than I have. She also knows their "secrets" which makes it easier for her to tune them out when they start being assholes. I'm sure I'll get there someday. I'm still a bit jealous that she gets to be pregnant "with" someone else (Aunt/Cousin D in law). They have the opportunity to swap stories, etc. I've decided I'm not going to dwell on it, though. I can't change any of it, so it's time to just move on. I'm working on doing that with the whole situation from Sunday. I did find out that Aunt/Cousin D in law and DR N weren't quite expecting to get pregnant so fast (Oh gee darn! Some people would kill for that!) and Dr N is borderline petrified of being a parent. Well, I'm glad. I don't wish any harm to come to them or their baby. It's just nice to find our Mr Know It All Dr is human!

Vindication! & It's On!

Seems I'm not crazy or reading into things! Mother-in-law V called today and wanted to apologize for the other family members behavior. I told her she better not and that it is not her fault. I thanked her for being there to keep me company. She felt isolated just like I did and I found out that when she left, she "went off" to W (Father in law) about the entire situation. Oh, and it gets better. Remember how I mentioned that J thought I was over-reacting and maybe reading into things. Well after he talked to W and found out how V was so angry, J realized that I wasn't being overly emotional. J knows that it takes a lot to get his mom angry and if she's angry, then some shit really did happen. I feel so much better! In a way. I don't feel good about what happened yesterday, but I feel better that I wasn't the only one to see it and that J understands what REALLY happened. I also emailed Aunt-in-law C and asked her directly if there was a problem between us. Because I have the cajones bigger than the planet right now, I'll post it here: Is there a problem between us? I’m not sure if I missed something or said something but I really got mixed vibes yesterday. At the restaurant we sat at an end of the table to try and not be in the way with the highchair and everyone else sat at the complete opposite end of the table. I overhead some sarcastic comments made about Killian, as well as when we got to Denise’s home, everyone went downstairs so we go there and then everyone goes upstairs. I can deal with not being part of the clique, but I don’t appreciate comments made about Killian or being “secluded” because of him. If I have said something or done something, I would appreciate it being brought to my attention. So there it is. Talk about calling her out, LOL! All I can say is, It's On! I don't give a rat's ass if you're family. Talk about my son or push us away and isolate us because we have an infant - It's On, Biotches!!! It.Is.Fucking.ON!

Re-hash

I'm not sure that I have it in me to re-hash all of yesterday's events. I have to though in order to get the monkey off my back and attempt to move on. The buffett lunch was ok. I expected much more from a country club buffett, but oh well. It wasn't worth the money we paid, though. We've gotten better food at Bonanza! Strike #1 As we all started to choose our seats, J, K and I chose to sit at one end so that we could have the highchair in between us and not be in the way of everyone else getting up to get their food, etc. What do the rest of the family do? They start filling in the seats at the opposite end of the table. The three of us were on our own little island until more family members came and filled in the rest of the chairs. Okay, whatever. We do not have the plague just because we have a baby. You can sit near us, you fucktards. Strike #2 There are two other couples expecting their first babies next year. Aunt-in-law C in January, Aunt-in-law cousin D #1 in June. I could hear them sharing stories about their pregnancies, finding daycare, what their labor/delivery will be like, etc, etc, etc. They just didn’t know what they were going to do about any of it. Meanwhile, here I sit (apparently still on the island) thinking to myself “Been there, done that! I could offer some suggestions if they’d even acknowledge my presence.” Strike #3 K gets tired during the lunch. He isn’t interested in eating, not even his bottle. After a little bit of twisting and turning and crying, he settles down and goes to sleep, head on my shoulder. I love moments like this with him – when he falls asleep like that. Of course during this time, I can over hear comments made/jokes said, the “awww…..” from the others which really means they’re happy it’s me that has to deal with it and not them. Strike #4 The lack of a changing station. Strike #5 It’s time to leave. Everyone has had their fill. Except me. I’ve barely gotten more than two bites of any of the food. One more reason why the price we paid for the buffet was NOT worth it. But I digress. Everyone gets up to leave. By everyone, I mean EVERYONE. They leave me at the table with K in one arm while I struggle to put on my coat. Seriously. They all fucking left me. Even J! I’ll give one tiny kudo to Aunt C because she asked if I needed any help – however that was after she was ½ way out the door. And it still doesn’t make up for Strike #2. Strike #6 We all end up at Aunt-in-law D #2’s house after the buffet. Aunt-in-law D #2 calls K by a girl’s name not once, not twice, not three times. Four fucking times! Her daughter, N, is telling her over and over what K’s name is. Strike #7 J and some/most of the men go run errands at Menards. They’re fixing Great Grandma’s house door. Fine. So K and I are left to fend for ourselves. He plays for quite a while, getting fussy every once and a while. No biggy. I still get the infamous “awww…..” from the others (see Strike #3). After almost 2 hours, the men come back. K is still playing but getting tired. He gets a little more fussier and starts the “I’m tired” cry. Aunt-in-law cousin D #1’s husband, Dr. N, said very sarcastically that his baby will never cry. It was mocking in tone. Everyone in the room had a laugh and told him he better not count on that. Even still, I didn’t laugh it off. The entire afternoon I felt secluded because I had a baby and no one else does. The two preggos could share their stories and have their connection, but not me. When I was pregnant, no one else was and I only had J to share my thoughts and worries with. Now that we have K, no one else has an infant his age. Again, no one else but J to talk to. When Aunt-in-law C and Aunt-in-law cousin D #1 have their babies, K will be a toddler. I’ll be dealing with stuff they won’t even be close to thinking about. I feel alone sometimes when raising K. I don’t have another mother to talk to about things. J gets excited for K and the things he’s learning. Most of the time, J thinks I over-react. Hell, he even said so about the above Strikes. Maybe I am. Maybe it’s just because my feelings are hurt and I feel alone. I sucked it up though and put on a good face the entire afternoon. I admit I had about 15 minutes where I just “spaced out” with K in my lap. The rest of the time, I watched K and participated in conversation whenever it related to me. It was nice though to have K because I could just play with him and give him most of my attention without the others thinking I was being anti-social. Even with all of this, I am truly grateful to Mother-in-law V. She offered to hold K while I went to the salad bar at the buffet. She came into the bathroom when I was changing K and helped me, she sat with me at the house and played with K and just generally kept me company. She was the only one and for that I’m grateful. She is always trying to help without me having to ask or beg. I can only hope that when Aunt-in-law C’s baby gets here, she won’t be pulled in two directions. If so, we’ll get the short end because Aunt-in-law C lives in the same city as Mother-in-law V and will probably monopolize her. Aunt-in-law C can be like that. I’ve seen it. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Moments of GRRR

I don't have any great way to start this, so I'm just going to type. I am so fucking tired of restaurants NOT having changing stations in their restrooms. I am sick of having to change K on the damn floor because there is no counter space and what space there is available I'm "gracious" enough to not ruin with a poop/pee diaper for any other customers who want to wash their hands. Not to mention, I don't want some stranger eyeing my son's private parts or critique me on how to wipe his ass. There has only been one restaurant that has the changing station. All of these other places - The Knolls, Charlestons (to name a few) have fucking nothing. Now keep in mind all of these restaurants have high chairs so they must expect families with infants to come and dine there. Plus, infants/children who require the use of high chairs are generally still in diapers so wouldn't it make sense to have some space in the restroom that allows a parent to change their child's diaper. One would think so! So after going out to lunch this afternoon, and after having to change K on the fucking floor, I tossed his dirty diaper (and I do mean DIRRRRTY) in the trash bin. However, I did not put it in the scented bags I bring along to put the diapers in to reduce the chance of lingering odor. No, not this time. And not any time again where I have to change him on the floor or the damn counter. In fact, I'm not going to change him on the floor anymore. It's on the counter and if that means I'm blocking the sink for people to wash their hands, then so fucking be it. If they make a comment I'll promptly tell them to go out and tell the damn management they couldn't wash their hands because I was taking up the counter space because I didn't have a place to take care of my son's needs. I'm sick of feeling like a sub citizen at restaurants because I'm a parent of an infant. Fucking sick of it all! There are also some other things that came up today, but I'll save that for later. This post is already quite lenthly. Suffice it to say, two other couples are expecting their first child in the next few months and they had the audacity to make sarcastic remarks about how their child isn't going to cry, etc, etc. Yes, fuck them too - even if they are family. Thank god I don't have to see them often. It just sucks that this comes up now around the holidays when we're expected to be at the family events. Sucks that I have to fucking fake it.

The Fun Is About To Begin

aka, watch out M! Here comes K!

Starting To Crawl

He's not breaking any speed records, YET!

Offer Support

Send DD at TKO some support. She is going through a rough time.

Ahhhhh, That Time of Year Again!

I haven't ever put up a tree in my office at work. I couldn't resist when I saw these ornaments. :)

New Blogger?

Anyone use the new version? I wasn't thrilled with the beta version so I'm a little nervous. I would always have problems leaving comments for one thing. Is it better? Have the "bugs" been worked out? Should I just suck it up and switch because they're going to make me anyway?

Expanded Repertoire

K has been doing pretty well with eating more solid foods. He can polish off one 4.5 ounce jar of veggies and have room for more! Pretty impressive how far he's come. He even likes a few new things: Apples&Cherries, Green Beans, Sweet Peas. This is in addition to oatmeal, bananas, carrots, squash, the filling from a Little Debbie snack cake. Don't worry, I'm not feeding him the snack cakes, LOL. He was just staring at it one day and tried a tiny finger full and loved it. Of course we gave him some of the cake part and he spit it right out. He is also NOT a fan of the meats yet. I mixed carrots and beef together and oh my, I don't think I've ever seen him spit out food so fast! K also makes the best faces when he doesn't like something. Anyway, there's progress and that's what counts.

Gashlycrumb Tinies, Anyone?

J recently went on a hunt to find the Edward Gorey book and when he did he was thrilled. I remember watching Mystery with my mother when I was young and the introduction was animated by Gorey. The intro was something that I'd never seen before, so it was cool. I'm doing more reading about this author and everything that he's done. In the meantime, am I the only one whose never heard of him?

Artful Dodger With a Twist

It's been starting to happen over the past couple of weeks. I'll drop off K at B's and he'll watch me intently get closer and closer to the door. His arms go up and out a little bit in that "pick me up" pose and B does her best to distract him with a toy. Today I realized it was going to get a little trickier. K was sitting on the floor and would watch me, then B, then back to me. Unfortunately there were no toys to distract him. I found myself having to time my exit, much like the Artful Dodger would do when he was up to no good. Now I'm not shucking responsibility or anything like Dodger, I'm just trying to leave without seeing K red-faced and crying. Why do I have to be the drop off person?!

We are NOT Monkeys, dear...

My sweet, darling K: We do not grab the diaper which is quite "full". No dear, we are not monkeys...we do not fling our poo.

Better Than The Alternative

I keep that in mind as people shake their heads at me when I tell them about K's ear infection, going to the DR for seemingly endless coughing/colds, etc, etc. You know, the: "Oh that's right, you suffer from the first time mom neurosis." I look them in the eye and say: It's better than the alternative. What alternative, they ask? The leave K in his diarrhea ridden diaper to play in the cats' litter box. Leaving K home alone while I go out and get drunk. Feeding him only 2 bottles a day at MY CONVENIENCE. Not interacting/playing with him. Do you NEED me to go on...? Oh, well, um... Yes, "oh, well, um" is right. I may be a first time mom, but at least I give a shit about my son. Even if that means I freak out over everything. And for those keeping score, I freak out about fewer and fewer things each week. I can now handle K's colds without batting an eyelash. His coughing, well, I'm still working on that.

Suggestions, please? (aka Our Next Challenge)

Guess what our next "challenge" is... If you said diaper rash, I'll send you a Snoopy star sticker. I've read that this (diaper rash) can come up when children take antibiotics and K is no exception. I let his rear air out for about 3 minutes tonight before bed. We also are trying Bourdreaux's Butt Paste. I'm open to any and all suggestions on what to do to keep this in check and get rid of it, which I realize will probably happen once he's done with the antibiotic.

One of the Few

We went out to Kenefick Park last weekend and took some fun pictures outside. We usually end up with inside ones, but the weather was so nice we had to get out. Who knows how many more of these days we'll have before Winter really gets here. We had a good time just wandering around. K was fascinated by the flag, the leaves on the ground and that weird stuff that blew in his face and messed up his hair (i.e. Wind). This is one of the few pictures of me I'll post ANYWHERE. Mostly because I still have 20 pounds to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Yes, I'm being vain. Like you didn't feel the same way!

The Culprit?

J, K and I each had colds/ear infections/pink eye. We all got over them after about 1 1/2 weeks. J and K each got flu shots last week. By Wednesday, they were sick again with the same stuff we thought we had just gotten over. I have been congested/coughing since Friday, however I didn't get a flu shot. DR's do recommend waiting to get the shot if you are already sick. Hmmm, do you think we have found the possible culprit for this latest round of illness? I know that the flu shot doesn't cause illness, but if you already are sick or haven't completely gotten over it, it could cause your body to run amuk and get sick again. Directly from the CDC: People who have a moderate or severe illness with a fever should wait to get vaccinated until their symptoms lessen. Well, regardless, this "sick" business can just make it's way out of our home! I'm sick of it. We're all sick of being sick!

Friday Night Fun

DD (TKO), Thank You ~~~

DD I don't know if you'll see this post, but I wanted to say thank you. It helps to have another person tell you "outloud" what you know in your head already.

Ear Infection # 2

That is the verdict from DR P. This time K gets augmentin and we're hoping it takes care of whatever has been giving K such a hard time. We also get to go back in 2 weeks for a follow up to see how things are progressing. I'm hoping this will get better. I'm feeling calmer today, much better than yesterday. I know deep down that I'm not a crappy parent. I'm just a first timer who has no idea where to begin sometimes - or most of the time. I truly hate watching K be miserable. I feel so bad for him and there's really no way I can make him understand. All I can do is give him lots of hugs, play with him and make sure the Halloween Bear is never out of reach for him. With that in mind, it feels nice to know that K wants to be with us. He stretches out his arms to us, turns around to face us, generally just wants to be near us. There was a time when I would babysit and when the baby would get fussy they didn't want anything to do with me and would twist this way and that to look for mommy and daddy. Nothing I could do would console them. It's nice to be able to be the one that baby wants to be with. Even if it is 2:30 am and I can barely open my eyes. It's all worth it when he lays his head on my shoulder, squirms around to get in the right spot and falls asleep.

ISFJ Personality + Not Having The Answer(s) = Much Grumpiness

So K has another cold. Same stuff as he's had before, only with a twist. He has a runny nose/congestion, weeze (which we think could be coming from his stuffed up nose) and cough that can (on occassion) cause him to gag/spit up/vomit a little bit. DR A gave us Rynatan to give him some relief however K's cough is worse than before. I'm waiting to hear back from DR A or DR P, but so far nothing. I called B at daycare to check up on him and of course, K is miserable. He did go down for a nap, which I'm grateful for. I'm sure B is too. So where is this post going? Well, let me tell you. This post is about how I feel completely worthless as a parent. Nothing that we do to help make K feel even a little bit better is working. Every morning when I drop him off at B's, there are questions about what we're doing to get K over this, what medicine is he taking, etc, etc. I don't have the answers anymore. It's the same shit over and over. I don't know why he's getting these fucking colds and I don't know what to do to stop them or make them less of a pain in the ass. I guess what would make it easier for me would be to know why he's getting these colds. Does he have asthma (like his parents), is he allergic to something (please not the cats), or what?! There's probably no answer for it since he's so young and still developing. I know that infants catch colds and that their system is still developing, but that doesn't make it any easier to hear K cough so hard it wakes him from sleep or causes him to gag and then spit up/vomit little bits of food/formula. I DO NOT LIKE NOT having the answers. I DO NOT LIKE watching/hearing my son suffer and be miserable. I WANT SOME ACTION to be taken so that K can get better. You know, I feel like he's being cheated or something. Like he was singled out to suffer through this shit. I'm sure I'm over-reacting a bit. It's just really fucking hard to keep going through this. You'd think by now that after all of these colds (7 in 6 1/2 months) someone would start to question things. Have I mentioned that I feel like a worthless/helpless parent? I don't see myself much better than those losers who duck tape their kids together or make them the designated driver. Actually, I do know that I'm not that bad, but I still feel like K is being neglected. I just don't know what to do about it. I tried talking to J about it, but he doesn't know what to say. Neither do I. So that brings me here. There is nowhere else for me to go to vent and get all of the crap out of my head so that I can breathe.