Random Musings on a Tuesday Afternoon

When Baby H gets worked up, his fists ball up - I call them fists of fury. When he's playful (and grumpy), he kicks out his legs - frog legs. So, He's full of fists of fury and frog legs. That just makes me laugh. I wish we could get a picture of it. Maybe someday. I must also express my dear appreciation for the cradle swing that we just got. Baby loves to be rocked and this does the trick. Plus, it goes great right next to the treadmill so I can jog and still keep an eye on him. It's beautiful. The only drawback is that I have to turn it off and wake him up. It's time for him to eat and I don't want him to sleep all day since we're slowly getting into some kind of day/night schedule. Ahhh, he's so cute and relaxed. I hate having to be the mean mom and wake him. There'll be hell to pay, though, if he goes much longer without a diaper change and food. LOL!

So a lot has happened. Well, to me anyway. Baby H is getting better with his sleep schedule. It's not great, but better. I'm knocking on wood that he keeps it up and that he'll sleep for longer stretches of time. :) I'm still overwhelmed. Not as much as before. The past 2 weeks have helped us get into a semi-groove. I'm now starting to feel time going by too fast since I have to go back to work in just over two weeks. I don't mind working, just wish I could've gotten more time off. When I start to dwell on it I wish we lived in Canada. I've read that they are required to have the first year off. I haven't done that much research on it, so I don't know how true it is, but if so - damn that would be nice. I can't think/write about that anymore. That just adds to the overwhelming feeling. Of course, there is also the breastfeeding/formula dilema. For whatever reason, Baby H spits up an insane amount after he has breastmilk. Even with regular milk based formula he spits up. We've got him on Enfamil ProSobee (a soy based formula) and he still spits up, but it's more like drool. I admit that I'm disappointed. I really want to give him the breastmilk, but with all of the spit up - well, I just don't know what to do. For now, I'm pumping it and freezing it. It lasts for quite a while in a deep freezer, so I'm hoping to be able to give it to him eventually. Still, disappointed. What makes me chuckle right now is that instead of grabbing my nice purse when we go out, I now grab a diaper bag and stuff my wallet in one of the already full pockets. I'm sure they make really stylish diaper bags, but from what I've seen you either get practical and decent looking or you get not practical at all and stylish. Speaking of going out, it's pretty nice so we're going for a walk. I totally need it. I dared to try on a suit today (to get ready to go back to work) and was defeated when I saw the size. I didn't balloon up with weight gain during the pregnancy and have lost 35 pounds already, but it's just hanging out around my hips and "mama belly". It's been a struggle to not eat total crap all day out of depression. We'll see how the next 1 1/2 week goes. Maybe there's hope yet.

AHHHH

There is nothing that will prepare you for sleep deprivation, nor the shell of a woman you'll become because of it! Baby is great, but his schedule is all over the place and I'm still trying to figure it out. That's where we're having our bump. I don't think I've checked my email less or spent less time on the pc than this week with him. I feel out of the loop! The thing that frightens me is how to make this lack of sleep/relatively normal schedule work when I go back to work. It seems impossible that Baby will settle into some routine or that I'll get anything more than 30 minutes of restless sleep. Everyone says it will work out. That the first 2 weeks are the hardest. I certainly hope so.

Baby H is Here!

He arrived last Tuesday (4/25/06) at 3:09 pm. He weighed 8 lbs 5 oz and was 21 1/2 inches long. Dad is great, Baby is great, Mom is really freaking tired! More details to come.

Creature of Habit

Per DR, I start leave tomorrow. Add some elevated blood pressure and swelling and it's rest time for me before Baby H arrives. Technically he should have been here yesterday, but we'll give hime the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he knew of the fiasco/bizarro birth of the TomKat baby and didn't want to have anything in common with that! In that case, kudos to you Baby H! 35 minutes to go and I'll be done for just over 6 weeks. I've gotten everything in order here as much as possible. It's a very odd feeling, knowing that I'm going to have quite some time off of work. Even though I'll be back (it's a good job and I like it as well as the people), it just seems like so long. Not that I'm complaining because once baby is here, I'll probably wish I had more time. :) I think it's because of the routine of work. Get up in the morning, get ready, drive to work and get stuff done from 8-5, then go home. I've been told that I won't have much of a routine once baby is here, that I'll be more at his "mercy" than anything else. That could be interesting because I'm a creature of habit. I thrive on routine, LOL! It's just going to be weird. I'll have to live with/adjust to it. It's really starting to sink in that by this time next week, Baby H should be here. If he doesn't make his appearance on his own, next Tuesday DR and nurses will "help" him out(whether he likes it or not - LOL). A year ago I couldn't imagine being at this point. What was I doing a year ago? Still trying to get AF on my own and dealing with all of the trials/tribulations that come with that. How far things have come! Crazy. Just crazy...

Question of the Day - Induction

So I ask a few people about inductions: what they're like, questions to ask my DR, etc. I had no idea I'd start a debate and require a flame suit for some of the responses! I was only asking a question, people! As you may have already guessed, Baby H is not here yet and technically isn't due until tomorrow. Yes, I'm anxious for things to get started, but I'm not going to opt for anything that will harm him. I have a DR appt tomorrow and we'll be talking about inductions because I'll be 40 weeks and it's something that may come up. I want to get as much info as I can, even if I won't need it at all and Baby H comes on his own. Plus, DR would schedule the induction between 41 and 42 weeks. Seems fair to me. Anyone have any input about this stuff, without throwing a 3 year old temper tantrum in my direction? You know, it pisses me off because it's not like I'm considering this at 24 weeks because I don't want to get stretch marks or something superficial like that. Baby is due and it's something that will have to be considered. People need to calm the fuck down. There a larger issues to be concerned about other than whether I choose to be induced and whether that happens at 41 or 42 weeks!

The Waiting, Part 2

So another DR appointment has come and gone - no change/progress since the last appointment last week. In fact, I've been the same for a month. Baby is just not in a hurry to come out. DR did strip the membranes which may or may not help things get going. From what I've been able to research, the jury is still out on that. I figure it can't hurt to help things along, or at least try to anyway. If Baby isn't here by next week, then DR will schedule an induction for the following week. That'll put me 1 week over due, but it will also give Baby one more week to come on his own. I hope things start soon. I know it's going to be painful, a lot of work when Baby gets here, etc, and because of that I'd just like to get on with it! The waiting part makes me nuts.

"Are you in launch mode yet?"

I've been chuckling about this for the past 10 minutes. A male co-worker just asked me this and it was all I could do to not snort out my diet pepsi through my nose! Got to love men! They come up with some doosies sometimes!

Crap Shoot (aka - waiting / catch 22)

"The waiting is the hardest part." - Tom Petty As I sit here and watch Baby squirm around, I am reminded how anxious I am for him to be born. I know it will be painful and I'll probably be a shell of a woman by the time it's over - but I'm just anxious. I really don't care for not knowing when something is going to happen, like when Baby will be born. I mean, it is literally up in the air and I have no say in when things will get started. None at all. I guess that is why it seems like the birth will never get here - because I have no real "time frame" to go by. Sure, I have a due date, but that is tentative as well. It's a crap shoot. This will probably drive me nuts. I also know that when he gets here I'll be responsible for another person besides myself. That is a frightening thought as well. Makes me wonder why in the hell I'm so anxious for Baby to be born! I can't explain it. It's a catch 22. Another crap shoot.

ZZZZ - Huh? What? (Part 2)

Well, DR appt went fine. Typical in and out (check Baby's heartbeat, internal exam, questions?), which is normal for me at this point. Still no change (in dialation/effacement) from last week, which was no different from the week before and the week before that. That is a bit depressing because I'd hoped that there would be some progress. This "no change" business is for the birds.

ZZZZZZZZZ

I'm going to whine here today, so if you don't want to read a pregnant woman's sleep deprived rant - well then go away! Over the past 2 nights I may have managed a total of 8 hours (maybe). Between the infamous time change debacle that we are subjected to twice a year, the rotten egg smell that permeates the apartment building hallways (due to lots of rain, questionable plumbing, and being in the building at the bottom of the hill), and having to get up to pee 4-5 times per night - well, it's no wonder. I've heard comments like "It's an example of what's to come when baby gets here." and I want to slap the mouth those words came from! Sure, they may be true to a certain degree - however the last thing this pregnant lady wants to hear is that 1) there's more of this to come and 2) be "talked down to" like I should already know this and how dare I be upset at getting no sleep. All I really want (besides sleep) is a sympathetic ear. I spent the better portion of last night bawling because I was so frustrated. My only consolation was feeling Baby H moving around. Of course, he was probably worked up because of me. I feel bad for that. Hopefully he doesn't hold any ill-will toward me for it. Fast forward to this morning and it's all I can do to not lose it at work. When I'm tired I get cranky and my emotions are like a neon sign over my head. I'll make it through, I did yesterday. Although I'll have less humor about things. My weekly DR appt is in a few hours. Maybe she'll give me good news, although the only good news would be that it's time for Baby H to be born. I know that's a crap shoot because I haven't been having any contractions to speak of. At least none that I can identify as contractions. I wonder what options will be available on my due date in 2 weeks? Will they make me wait it out until I'm overdue? As I type these questions it kind of sinks in that there are only (technically) 2 weeks left in my pregnancy. 2 weeks - that isn't a lot of time when you stop and think about it. That's potentially *only* 2 more weekends for J and I to be a couple. 2 weeks for us to be able to just get up and go whenever we want without a second thought, watch whatever movie we want - basically just DO WHATEVER WE WANT TO DO. Hmmm...

Only a few more weeks

January 1, 2006 March 26, 2006 No wonder my belly keeps poking out from under my shirts! This baby can come any time now!

In Awe

I was going back over some past posts about Baby. It's amazing to think that 3 months ago I was just starting to really feel him move around and now he stretches out to the point where I walk around with a lopsided belly sometimes. LOL! I was also comparing the very first u/s pic to the most recent one in January. September 2005 January 2006 It's amazing to see how much he's grown. It's also leaves me speechless to see how we go from the most basic cells to human beings. Everything has to come together in a certain way - and they do it completely on their own. I have no control over this. The only "control" I have is to take care of myself (eating, being active, etc) and the rest takes care of itself. It's times like this that I am truly in awe. As I was looking over the previous posts, I re-read the ones about going to the RE and the first time I took the pregnancy test. I could hardly believe it. After months of my body doing it's own thing, J and I actually trying to have a baby, numerous negative tests - it finally happened. Here I am now, with Baby doing his groove thing in my ribs! As much as I hate looking at the dimples on my legs and the ever rising numbers on the scale, I have been very fortunate. These past 8 1/2 months have been relatively pain free. Sure there have been aches, a head cold, leg cramps - but in the scope of things I've been pretty lucky w/no morning sickness, no gestational diabetes, or any of the other potential things that can occur during pregnancy. Now, of course I'm not that naive. I know labor and delivery are right around the corner. I may be writing another post solely about pain! LOL! I'm also nervous/anxious about it. The whole "fear" of the unknown. From what I understand, I will know no pain like this in my life! That's calming, isn't it?! I'm still being cautiously optimistic - keeping my guard up while still trying to ease into the last stage of being pregnant. I'm in awe that I made it this far. (Now excuse me, I must poke at/play with my baby's foot/leg/knee/arm/butt or whatever is wriggling against my rib and bladder).

So after looking at this last u/s pic, I can deal w/some dimples on my legs. :)

Name That Part

Since baby has been getting larger, J and I have been playing name that body part - whether it's a heel, foot, butt, head - you name it we've been trying to guess it. So far, it seems his rear-end is on my right side in my ribs. This makes it very possible that the small round bump just above my belly button is a heel. That's about all we have for now. It's not as easy as some make it out to be, trying to guess what is poking where. So, 6.5 weeks to go. Well, give or take because babies have a mind of their own and will come when they are damn good and ready to. :) It has gone by so quickly. Even though it's 3/7 (beginning of March), in a week it'll be middle of March. Time is flying and so is this pregnancy. Overall, it's been pretty uneventful. Well, in terms of pain/morning sickness/fatigue. I've been pretty fortunate, I know that. There are many who feel terrible throughout the entire time. That's not to say that I've made it this far unscathed! Even with my walking on a regular basis, I've managed to get a few dimples on my upper legs. A bit depressing since I used to run before getting pregnant and had a decent amount of muscle tone. Now, well, it's in hiding. LOL. I keep telling myself, soon enough I'll be able to get back into running. It's like a pep talk I have to keep repeating in order to not go completely mental. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. I'm so anxious to meet baby H. Not that I want to rush things. I'm just excited. And petrified. There are so many things to learn - I hope that "mothers instinct" kicks in quickly.

Stretch

This is my son! LOL! Well at least it seems so from the way he is moving. Some women have more kicks, I have rolls and stretches! It's cool to watch my belly expand but at the same time I wonder how on earth it can withstand the pressure! I'm also wondering what I'm going to be in for over the next 7 weeks. He's only going to get bigger which means I'm only going to get bigger! I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

63 degrees outside and I'm stuck in the office. I have some serious cabin fever! Not to mention, there's only an hour left in the work day and I'm antsy as hell to start the weekend. We get to have our baby shower tomorrow afternoon and I'm anxious to see what we'll get. Not much has been purchased off our registry, but I'm hopeful that people won't give us the shaft. So, an hour to go and nothing to do. Just trying to keep/look busy, because otherwise I'd fall asleep at my desk out of boredom. I'm grateful that my Friday hasn't been hectic and hopefully no one will give my last minute work to do at 15 til 5. I'd like to end the week as caught up as I am right now. I've been watching baby move a good portion of the day. He's definitely getting stronger. I've also noticed he tends to roll and stretch more than kick. From what I've heard, I should be grateful for that (LOL) and I am. I'm happy to feel him moving any time of the day or night. Even when it's 3 AM, I'm thrilled. It actually helps me get back to sleep after the 3-4 times I get up to pee now. J and his dad have been working on refurbishing a dresser for baby. Since today was so nice, they put a coat of stain on and from what J said, it matches really well w/the crib. I can't wait to see it. We paid $75 plus materials for it and it's all made of real wood! Try to find that in any store now and pay less than $250.00! Not going to happen! We found this dresser at a consignment shop. All it needed was a little TLC and it's good as new. Hopefully there will be a few more decent days so that the 2nd coat of stain can be applied and it will be done. Once we get a final picture of it, I'll post it along side one of it before the work. Things are coming together for baby. Crib is together, dresser is almost done, car seat is ready, I've washed a few clothes and blankets. We still need to baby proof sockets and cabinets, move cleaning products up, that kind of stuff. I'm very excited.

Getting Over It

So, I'm letting work be what it will be. I'll deal w/them as each situation comes up. That's not to say that the incessant comments about not taking leave/bringing baby to work aren't still pissing me off. I hear them 4x a day and each time they un-nerve me just a bit more than the last. I'll deal with it. I was thinking the other day that we're in the single digits as far as weeks left in my pregnancy. 9 weeks to go, give or take a day or two. It seems like yesterday was Christmas and I didn't have much of a belly to show off to anyone. Now, well, it's not hard to miss. I'm not humongous, but at least I look pregnant now. I wonder how people will react this weekend at my baby shower?! Most haven't seen me since mid-December. I hope they don't all start patting the belly. I guess I can deal with it if they do. At least I know these people, as opposed to someone out of the blue walking up to me and doing that in the grocery store. God help the person who does that! LOL! The Rock's raised eye look will have nothing on the evil eye I give to a stranger who even looks like they might start patting my belly! Anyway, back to it. J and I have gotten a lot accomplished. Baby's room is pretty much ready. We've got to stain the dresser, but that won't happen until the temperature warms up a bit more. Otherwise, every thing is pretty much ready. I should wash some more outfits to at least get baby through the first week. I'm hesitant because we don't know how big baby will be. I don't want to wash too much and not have him fit into them. 9 weeks to go. Crazy! Just crazy!

Of Course!

Addendum to the list below: #13 Well of course "I'll only be a phone call away" while on maternity leave. You can call me with any questions/work that needs to be handled while I'm trying to figure out exactly how to take care of a newborn. Fat chance motherfuckers! If the calls aren't from J or parents, you can fuck off! Seriously, FUCK YOU!

As the Belly Grows

and other points that are pissing me off/making me cry today. Baby H is doing well. He's not so much kicking as squirming around and it's awesome! I'm excited to hold him in my arms, but I admit I'll miss feeling him move around in the belly! 9 weeks to go! Hardly seems like time has gone by that fast! It's pretty obvious that I'm pregnant now. I remember just a few months ago when I was longing to look it. Finally, it is here! Of course, with this comes comments from people when I check out at the store about when baby's due, is it a boy/girl, etc. I don't mind the questions right now. Hopefully I won't get pissy as the time goes by and I get closer (and bigger) to the big day. This takes me to my next "topic"/vent of things that are pissing me off! Not to mention most of them are making me cry as well. Damn hormones anyway! 1. People (mostly men) who make me get out of the way when walking down a hallway! Hello you fucking asshole, I'm the pregnat one. Give me a break! 2. Turning in my paperwork for my annual review and having my boss say to me, "Oh, I forgot all your review." Yeah, thanks a fucking lot! I totally feel needed in your department now! 3. Getting my work area/procedure manual all up to date so that the part time pussy wimp girl has a clue as to what she's doing while I'm on maternity leave only to have her make one particular procedures 10x harder than it really is. 4. Having my boss (and now the receptionist and pussy wimp girl) tell me I don't need to take maternity leave, they'll just set up a bassinet in my work area. Gee, what fucking generosity you have! Fuck you! 5. Having #4 repeated 2-3 a day. Again I say, FUCK YOU! 6. Posting an online job listing for a position I've expressed interest in for over a year. My damn BA degree is in the field and I have a fair amount of experience doing said job. When I approaced my boss about it, she says, "Oh, you were still interested in that?" No, I only put it in my review sheet last year and have talked about it off and on for over a fucking year - just because. 7. All of the opportunities on my review sheet last year were taken away from me. No reason only than they couldn't find anyone to do my current job. So, apparently, fuck me. 8. The realization that I'll never get promoted here. There's no one to do my job (they don't want to go through the work of hiring someone) so I'm stuck here with empty "opportunities". Fuck me again, only this time bent over with a chainsaw. 9. Hitting the publish post before I was fucking done, damnit! 10. Having to have a meeting regarding #3 because pussy wimp girl can't find an answer on her own. 11. Knowing that the meeting in #10 isn't going to matter one fucking bit because they're going to do things they're own fucking way (backasswards) while I'm out anyway. 12. Getting the shaft at my annual review. At least they could compensate me for the stuff they said I'd get to do last year and then took away from me. Can you tell I'm really pissed off. I've just had enough of being treated like shit. I'd really like to catch a break! Whether it's with this company or else where, I don't know that I care right now. I'd just like to catch a fucking break!