Coincidence?

I initially had posted this and then took it down. I started thinking that if I censored myself on my own blog, well what would be the point of even having the blog in the first place?! I started this damn thing so that I could say what I wanted, when I wanted and not have to worry whether or not someone would approve. So now, this post is back up and I'm not taking it down. I can't explain this, but I just have to get it out there! When K got his first cold, it was after B (my mom) came to visit. Then, he got his second cold after B came to K's baptism and visited long into the afternoon. NOW - it looks like K may have thrush, and B visited us last weekend! What the fucking hell?! Why is it after each of B's visits, something goes wonky with K?! Is she some bizarre carrier of name-the-illness? Maybe it's daycare, but I don't know. Things seem to come up only after B visits. If it was daycare, he'd be sick all of the time because he goes there everyday. I'm just trying to wrap my head around this because frankly both J and I are getting tired of taking K into the DR. It's like he catches something and has it for 3 weeks, gets better for 1 week and then catches something else! BTW,I know that young children, especially infants, catch all sorts of things because their immune system is building itself up, but good fucking christ!!! Can't we catch a break with this stuff! I don't think we've had one month go by without one of us in this family being sick or hurt. Ugh. Perhaps this post comes off as harsh against B. In my defense, I know B much better than you do. I also know B's hygiene practices - or lack thereof. This is the same B who wanted to go shopping w/me last winter while having double pneomonia. Should I mention that I was still pregnant then and if I had caught it there may have been problems for me during the rest of my pregnancy?! This is the same B who when I came home from the hospital w/K wanted to hold him, which was fine. Then B proceeded to cough all over him - supposedly asthma related but even still - asthma or not there are still germs coming out of your mouth! And need I mention that this is the same B that we have to constantly shove hand sanitizer in front of before she handles K. I guess the numerous bottles of it set out all over the house aren't OBVIOUS ENOUGH. I also know B doesn't wash her hands. At all. So yes, this post is harsh towards B. When B starts having to take time off of work, be up with K 3x/night, take K to the DR, pay his DR bills - then, and ONLY THEN, will I even think about recanting this post.

Here I go

I'm sitting here devouring popcorn and browsing through some blogs that I had bookmarked the other day. The first one TKO caught my interest because they had indicated that we lived in the same state. I kept reading because I was interested in her story and all that she's gone through. (Check it out if you want to know more) While I was going through TKO, I read post #228 about "How to Blog" and followed the link, much like following the rabit down the hole, and discovered .Tony Pierce. I read the post offering some tips to make blogging more interesting and thought mine could use that. So, anyway, here I am. And here I go. Work calls

K is growing up!

As promised, the pic of K holding his own bottle.

Today I Want to be Mommy

I am so not focused on getting any work done. I keep looking at pictures of K on my desk and would really love to be home with him. Sure, I'd be covered in spit up and drool and trying to work through his fussy bouts, but today I don't think I'd mind. K was really funny this morning when we were feeding him. He decided that he was going to hold his own bottle! It was cute and we have some pics that I'll post later. He did okay for having to hold something (the bottle) that was awkward and much bigger than the rattles/links he's used to. It wouldn't be any fun, either, if the bottle didn't go flying out of his hands a few times! LOL. He's also laughing more. I've found a few tickle spots that I try and use to my advantage if he's getting fussy. Sometimes it works, other times I piss him off more. Ah, the joys of parenthood! It's all hit or miss. I was also "taken" this morning. K was in his crib and he started crying, but it was different than before. It was more of a fussy/I'm lonely/need attention cry. I can't explain how I could tell the difference - it was just, well, different. Instead of the usual long wail/scream it had more short bursts and was then quieter inbetween. Anyway, I knew I was in for it when I went into K's room and looked over the crib and he saw me and then giggled! Yes, he giggled at me like "I got you!" I just shook my head. Yes, you did little man. Yes, you did. We then proceeded to play for 10 minutes as I switched him out of his PJ's and into his day clothes. I am so glad that he's more interactive now. That has really helped us bond even more. Of course, now instead of going batty from little sleep, we're spending our time trying to figure out how to amuse a 4 month old. (and go batty from little sleep - see post below)

Ok, Fine Then! (Dear Son, Part 2)

Stay awake all night long! It's okay. We don't mind one bit. Signed - Your Parents.

Dear Son

Please sleep through the night again. You were doing really well for 2 weeks in a row! Love, Your Parents.

Blowing the Bell Curve

"To the whole world you might be just one person, but to one person you might just be the whole world." Joseph Campbell This was emailed to me in one of those monthly baby "deals" from various companies. There suggestion was to write about how it feels to be a mother with a baby this age (3 1/2 months). You are literally your baby's whole world. Write about how it feels to be someone else's whole world, as well as how it feels to have someone else be your whole world. I can sum it up in one word - overwhelming. Ok, I'll get serious. I can't fathom what K must think of me. If I could peek into his brain, I'd probably see that he thinks I'm an emotional, stressed, kind of fun at times woman who changes my diaper and forces me to lay on my tummy until I get red faced and cry. I can't imagine being anyone's whole world. I can't imagine mattering that much to someone else. Sure the 3 of us mean a lot to each other, but, I don't know...I never have felt that important to anyone. Not to the point where I'm their whole world and they're entirely dependent on me. This is new territory for me. Again, blowing the bell curve.

The Laugh!

We got this on video last week. I could watch it all day long! It may be a bit grainy and dark because we grabbed our digital camera to record it and didn't change any settings. You have to be quick with little ones - moments like these pass VERY quickly.

Not Alone

I love reading the momma blogs! It's so nice to know that I'm not the only one going through this (which I already know but it doesn't sink in). I can laugh at some of them because I've been there a few dozen times in the 3 1/2 months. I wish I could be as funny as they are. It seems to make the situation easier to get through when you have a sense of humor about it. I'll get there, eventually. Right now I'm just worried about K's cold. He *seems* to be getting better, but everytime I think that he'll have a huge cough and I just cringe because I can only imagine how that must feel for him. I hate that my boy has a cold. I hate that the DR says we have to "let it run it's course." It seems so unfair to K. I think I'll tell the DR that and see what he says. (yes I know that they don't want to give young infants too much as far as medicines because it can affect what they can take later on - but still!) So, I'll focus on the good stuff K has been doing. Yesterday, he managed to "sit up" for about 7 seconds. Not straight, kind of hunched over and leaning to the left, but he was on his own and it was cool! He gets this look on his face when we get excited for him. It's like, "what the hell am I doing and why are you looking at me that (crazy mom/dad) way?" We can't help it, although maybe we should tone it down a bit. K rolled from his belly to his back about a week ago purely by accident. He didn't know what he was doing nor was he trying to do it. Oh the ruckus we made when we saw that! Poor K - his eyes got really big and he looked stunned. We had a good laugh, K shit his pants (literally, LOL). I could go on and on but there is work to do. I'll have to pick 1 or 2 things out and write them up as we go. That way my posts won't be so long. Besides, I love thinking about K. Even at his worst (screaming at 3 am because he doesn't want to sleep anymore and I'm pacing the hallway hell bent w/a pacifier) I love the little guy.

14 Weeks

I was 14 weeks pregnant the last week of October 2005. We had a DR appt and got to hear the heartbeat again and took the triple screen test which came out fine. I remember being so nervous about those results. I was faced with potentially having to make a gut renching decision should the results come back with a high risk. I remember that time. It was the first time that I felt "attached" to K. Sure I knew I was pregnant, etc but it all felt surreal even after hearing the heartbeat. Perhaps that's because it had taken so long to actually get pregnant. When I was faced with potential concerns for K's health and development before he really got going, it-I can't even explain the feelings. It made me sad to think that there could be problems, much less how we'd deal with them. Thankfully, the test came back fine. ******************************* Now, K is 14 weeks old and he's battling his 2nd cold. I feel so bad for him because there's not much we can do. We keep suctioning out his nose, elevating the head of his crib - poor guy sounds terrible. I feel so inept because no matter what we've done so far, it's not getting any better. I hate to see my guy sick. I just want to cuddle with him. I want to get a mini tv and rocker and sit in his room and just hang out with him. There've been times when I've wondered what being a mom is supposed to feel like. I think this is it. I admit that I didn't have that "hollywood romantic" feeling of immediate joy after his birth and with the challenges that came up shortly thereafter (jer's back going out/more medical bills/going back to work) it made it difficult to just get through the day. Now, though, it's falling into place. I realize that I'm not one to be uber "gushy" with anyone or anything and that's okay. It doesn't mean that I don't care. I see it as special. The way I feel towards J and K means a lot to me and I want to keep it precious and meaningful. I do that by not spilling out every emotion I have for them. I'm learning, slowly. Although I'm probably blowing the bell curve! LOL

New Territory (Angels Bowling/God Takes Pictures)

It stormed pretty badly overnight, which woke me up briefly. Usually I can go back to sleep with no problem. Then I heard K rustling around and thought maybe the thunder woke him up. I went to check on him and he was fast asleep. I've heard that storms can scare little kids and wondered what I'd say to him if he got scared during a storm when he was older. I don't remember where I read this, but someone mentioned that they tell their child that the angels are bowling (thunder). That sounds good but what about the lightning? In my morning stupor, watching the storm unfurl itself outside the patio door, I thought "god is taking pictures (lightning)". That would probably work too. I can totally see myself saying that to him. I hope it works. Is this what it means to be a mom? Trying to anticipate what might frighten K and figure out what will (hopefully) calm him down? This is new territory for me.

K's Big Smile

Pure luck allowed me to get this picture.

Different Than I Expected

Being a parent is hard. I knew going into this that it would be a lot of work - diapers/cleaning/spit-up/daycare, etc. What I didn't anticipate is working to be a different type of parent than what I grew up with. I'm not going to go into that, but I want to be one of those parents who don't argue in front of their kids. Sure, that may happen now and then, but it bothers J and I when we do it. We want to raise our child as a unified front. J is so much better at putting on a poker face than I am. Plus, he can "laugh" his way through tough times. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and get flustered during hard situations. I've quite a long way to go to be the parent I want to be. I've also realized how little time I have to myself. If I'm not taking care of K, I'm cleaning up. I pride myself on having a home that is presentable for company at any time of the day or night. It's an esteem builder for me. Who knows what kind of "wreck" I'll be when K gets bigger and has more toys. My emotions have been all over the place and what I've been trying to focus on is just being grateful for what we have and where we are at in our lives. I get caught up in other people's lives/accomplishments sometimes and forget that J, I and K are doing well. We're mostly healthy (J's back is getting better slowly), J and I have good jobs, a good home (even if it is an apartment) and decent family members. I owe my sanity to J. He serves as my grouding force and without him - who knows where I'd be. Probably with one foot off a bridge. Seriously, that's how I've felt over the past week. Most of it is just adjusting to parenthood while trying to be a good wife as well as dealing w/work. I don't think I'm depressed. No, I don't think that is it because I am happy overall. I think I just get caught up in "keeping up with the Jones'" and forget to enjoy my life, which isn't bad at all. Anyway, some days are better than others, but I'm getting there. Slowly, I'll figure out how to be a mommy. A mommy that I want to be.

You Are 50% Evil You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side. Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination. How Evil Are You?

What We Have Learned (So Far)

There's so much that I didn't anticipate in regards to having a baby/being a parent. POOP One of the more humourous things is that poop has meaning! LOL! I figured that I'd see poopy diapers and that they may be different colors, etc. I NEVER thought I'd be paying attention to how many poops K had each day as well as the color and consistency - all of this to determine what's going on inside him and his body! I used to be disgusted by even thinking about poop/diapers. Now, not so much. That's not to say that I'd like to stare at it all day long for the rest of my life, but since it "means something" I have an entirely different perspective. (Much like the mashed potato mountain Richard Dryfuss made in Close Encounters). NO SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS I have no idea when this happened. We got up last weekend and thought it'd be fun to watch some cartoons with K since he's starting to be able to follow bold colors, etc. After flipping through who-knows-how-many-channels, we found ABSOLUTELY NO CARTOONS. Not a damn thing! I was totally bummed. I can remember when I was a child I'd get up at 5:30am and put together my blanket "fort" and get my cereal/munchies ready (all this while the farm report was on). Then at 6 am came the cartoons! Tom & Jerry, Bugs Bunny, Scooby Doo, Captain Caveman - hours and hours of cartoons. Now, there's informercials and news. No wonder kids are rolling out of bed, into their reclining chairs with xbox controller in hand. There's nothing to fucking watch! IF BABY IS HAPPY, PARENTS ARE HAPPY I don't think I need to explain it any clearer. MAMA LOOK/VOICE K was hating his bath (as usual) last night and towards the end he was screaming his head off and turning beat red. We go through this every night (bath/bottle/bed) and I keep reassuring him in a calm, cute-mama tone. Finally I had had enough (not in a "I'm losing my patience" sort of way, but really the screaming was quite over the top) and abandoned the cute mama voice for a deeper tone and reassured him that he was okay and to calm down. I must've had a mama look to go along with it, because it worked! K cried a couple more times, but I followed it up with the deeper tone of voice and he calmed down. **We'll see how well this goes and if I do indeed have a mama look after tonight's bath. TAKING A TEMPERATURE I have become very skilled at taking a rectal temperature. I don't know that this deserves a badge of honor as I don't enjoy doing it. However, before each time we make a call to the Ped's office we have to do this - in case they ask (and they ALWAYS ask). PUNK BAND MAKES KIDS ALBUMS NOW I was browsing for Clifford the Big Red Dog (K's "favorite" right now - mainly because he's big and red) DVD's and ran across They Might Be Giants. I was taken back to my punk days when TMBG served as my soundtrack while I walked/cycled to the university for classes. Now, they make kids music. Who would've thought! Of course, who would've thought I'd be married and have a child! LOL CAR SEATS MAKE GOOD BEDS Especially when K was sick. Now, he loves it. Won't sleep anywhere else for more than an hour. TRANSITIONING FROM CAR SEAT TO CRIB IS GOING TO BE CHALLENGING See above. BABY MILESTONES They're beginning. K rolled over from his belly to his back yesterday. Of course he was only able to do it once, but that's how things begin. J and I were (of course) ecstatic and probably made more to do about it than other people would. We don't care. It's cool to see how K is growing and doing more things. He "found" his hands over the past 2 weeks and they are in his mouth all the time. Practically everything goes straight to his mouth at this point. He is also holding his head steady and able to raise it up (from tummy position) for about 5-10 seconds. K is still learning to look around while his head is up. If it takes too much work, though, he just puts his head down and mushes his face into the blanket he's laying on (to avoid carpet rash). Now is when we can really start interacting with him. He's starting to recognize us and smile/laugh at certain things. Now is the fun part. I'm excited to start feeding him on rice cereal after our appt with the Ped next month. It will be messy, but totally fun! BABIES + NEW TASTE = BEWILDERED/FUNNY FACE When we gave K some infant tylenol before his shots last month, he made quite the face. Consider that K hasn't had anything but formula/breastmilk since he was born and then introduce grape flavored liquid medicine. He got this look of "what the hell?!" when I squirted the tylenol in there and it made me laugh. I wish I could've gotten a picture of it. ************************************************************ I think that covers things up to this point. Sure, there are other things, but I think I've mentioned them already and since this post has become quite lengthy I will leave it at that. There will definitely be more to come.

K Update - 3 Months

So now that I'm not quite so hormonal with AF, I can take my mother with a grain of salt. It's so much easier to do that when your body isn't going nutso! K is doing well. He's starting to get really alert and now has this thing where he wants/HAS TO BE in the action. He will fuss and cry if you place him on his playmat or swing, so we had to get a front carrier for him. He digs that! We wander around together while I clean up, do laundry, etc. He loves just being able to look around. It's amazing how much he's grown. Already in 6 month clothes because he's getting so long. As of our last DR appt at 2 months, he had grown 3 inches since he was born! I don't know what the average is, but that's pretty impressive. I'm anxious for our next appt in August. We get to start to teach him the fine art of eating rice cereal with a spoon. I can only imagine how "interesting" that's going to be.

Soggy Fishsticks and Warm Jello

I didn't want to start taking BCP's again. AF showed on her own last week and it was actually a nice sign because it meant my body was getting back to normal **on it's own**! The main reason I started them is because we're in no hurry to have #2. We'd both like to have a chance to figure this parenting thing out before we even think about trying again. In a way, I'm disappointed that there aren't other ways to avoid pregnancy while still letting my body act natually. I'm also worried about what will happen when/if we try for #2 - will I have as many problems as I did the first time? Another Blah is that my mother really sucks. I'd like to have a decent relationship with her like most people have, but it isn't going to happen. When she's come over to visit K, she's made the following comments: 1. "If they don't treat you right, you just let grandma know. I'll take care of it." 2. (K is crying - like babies do now and then) "Did Mommy pinch you? Huh, did she pinch you and make you cry?" I'm sitting here trying to figure out exactly how to express my attitude about her and her belittling comments. Aggitated? Sure Hurt? You Bet Confused as all hell as to why MY OWN MOTHER would say these things? Oh Hell Yeah! What takes the cake is that she's no saint! Fuck, I was raised in foster care for a while because she was in jail! How can she have the audaucity to say anything about my or J's parenting?! I could go on and on, but that's a lot of baggage I don't feel like thinking about. It's enough that I'm left with thinking about her at all. Add insult to injury - she doesn't say one bad thing to/about J. It's always me. I'm the "bad" mommy. Not that I want J to receive any of her bullshit, but what the fuck does she have against me? I haven't done anything to her. If anything I've managed to stay out of her hair since I graduated high school so that she could live her life and not have to deal with me. Deal with me, that is how she's come across in regards to being my mom. I admit I'm not perfect and went through the teenage years hellbent on something, although I had no real direction/mind to figure out what that something was. That being said, I didn't cause her THAT much grief during those years. There are certainly more things that could've come up. In comparison to some, I was pretty tame. I think the worst thing I did was steal a CD from a store (of which I was caught and had to work through all of that). I did decide that the next time she sees K, if she makes any comments that belittle me/J/K, I will promptly put my fingers over K's ears and make the "lalalalalala, we don't want to hear the mean things grandma is saying about Mommy." sound to drown her out. Hopefully that will get my point across. If not, then I'll have to be a bitch and call her out. She wants to make mean comments about me and question my parenting, well I'll just have to remind her what I went through growing up with her as my mom. It was never peaches and creme - no, more like soggy fishsticks and warm jello.

Missing K

I really miss K today. If I could've stayed home with him and just played that would've been great! He's becoming more alert and playful which is so much fun to watch. It's amazing to compare how he is now versus just 1 1/2 months ago. I love seeing his smile and his little laughs. Well, the laughs sound more like a sigh and chuckle at the same time, but I don't care. It's cute. I found some pictures of him from May when he just started to smile. There aren't many of him facing the camera and smiling so these are treasures. He has a tendency to just stare at the camera like "what the hell are you doing?" when we try to catch him smiling. Oh I miss him so much today. I'll be counting down the hours until the work day is done. I think I may skip my workout tonight to just hang out with him. Maybe instead of running we'll go outside and walk. Depends on how hot it is. I'd like to go walk with him. We haven't done that in a while.

Here We Go Again

On a unsuspecting trip to the restroom, AF decided to surprise me! All at once I was excited (my body was getting back to itself) and apprehensive. Here we go again is running through my head. I'm going to start bcp on Sunday because we're in no hurry to have #2 quite yet. I just wonder what will happen when we try for #2 - will my body be as stubborn as it was trying for #1 or will things be smoother? Who knows.

Happy July 4th (a little late)

K is doing much better now that he's getting over his cold. I'm thankful that's all it was, but we still worried like mad. That little man has us wrapped around his fingers LOL! We went to visit grandma and grandpa (J's parents) and it was our first trip with him that wasn't a grocery store or to/from daycare. He didn't pretty well all day, but the night was rough. K is starting to get a routine of a bath, bottle/book and then bed and we didn't do that since we had to drive home Tuesday night. That messed him up and he got overtired and cranky. I think J and I got 3 hours of sleep that night. Somehow, we managed to get through the day. He did sleep through the night last night, though, which was a blessing. :) He's starting to do that a little more now, maybe once or twice a week. Of course, he's been sleeping in his car seat (due to the cold) so that may change when he goes back into his crib. I'm hoping that he'll get used to being in it again. His baptism is this weekend. It's weird to think that it'll be my child up there getting drizzled (lol) and probably screaming at the top of his lungs. I hope I can put on a good face and not look panicked if he does start getting antsy! I'm trying to perfect that "just taking it in stride" look that I've seen well-seasoned moms have. Right now, well, I've no idea if I'm coming close. So, here he is on the 4th, which also marks his 10 week old "birthday". I'm so excited to be able to interact with him more. I also am a sucker for his smile. We're still trying to get one where he's looking at the camera but for now a side one will have to do.

I'm Married Again!

LOL! 2 1/2 months post-partum - my wedding rings fit again! I've missed them sooooooo much!

My Little Trooper!

K has his first cold. Thankfully that's all it is and not croup or anything worse. We made a trip to the DR yesterday to make sure, since I've no idea what to do w/an infant battling a cold. DR was pleased that we were suctioning out his nose and running a humidifier in his room. We just have to wait it out now. He's such a trooper because even though he has a rough sounding cough and stuffy nose, he's pretty much all smiles. It cracks me up. Sure he's fussy when he's coughing, but once he gets that out of his system his eyes open big and he starts looking around and smiling - as if he wasn't sick at all. I am grateful because I'm sure it could be worse. There's been no fever and K has been eating well. It still sucks to see him not feeling 100% well. Hopefully it will pass soon. This has made me realize that I'm a mom and not just a "care giver". Of course I knew that before, but it's really sunk in now that I have to pay attention to the color of his boogers as well as take his temperature by sticking a thermometer up his butt. I'm chuckling just thinking about this. Never did I imagine doing this type of stuff. The stuff only a mom would do and not be grossed out by. :) Well, maybe a little bit. Mucous and poop can have some really funky/bizarre colors! LOL! And those colors have meaning, believe it or not. I've no idea who determined what each color stands for, but good for them if it helps DR's and nurses figure out what is wrong. Good for them, but maybe not so good for parents who're scratching their heads trying to remember what their child ate that could produce THAT color and smell! Oh, don't get me started on smell....... UPDATE - My Product Plug Thinking of poop color reminded of 2 situations when K had "explosive" poop that went over the changing table and onto the floor in a lovely neon green streak (snark). All parents need this! http://tinyurl.com/gknj3 It will save your carpet, I swear by it! It cleaned the poop stain out of our tan carpet in no time. Should you choose to not invest in that, I would then recommend this: http://www.dickblick.com/zz049/79/ Trust me, you'll need it.

Obscure Beatles Song

Which Obscure Yet Great Beatles Song are You? DIG A PONY-- Youre one of a kind, thats for sure! Part diamond in the rough, part acid trip, completely passionate. You dont have all the answers. Youre not even sure of the question half of the time! But what you DO know is pretty mind blowing. Keep on following your own path; itll eventually lead you to where you want to go. Take this quiz! Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code I now must go find this song because I've never heard it!

What to Watch For

As I was feeding K today I happened to be looking at his eyelashes. I've noticed them before, but today it really sunk in how much they've grown. A lot of things grow on a baby, but it's the little things that I've noticed. I remember when we first got him home and I was feeding him. His eyelashes weren't very long at all. Now, well they're incredible! I don't know why it's caught my attention. Maybe because it's one of the things you don't really think about. At least not as much as his body overall. Speaking of things to watch for, we have a picture where K is freshly born and part of him is purpleish as he is beginning to pink up. It's crazy to see, but pretty cool at the same time. J said that seeing him come out and "pink up" is something he'll never forget (*for any pregnant ladies out there, make it a point to watch for this! Open your eyes and watch for it. Tell you DR and nurses you want to see this. It's truly amazing).

To Sleep, Perchance To Dream

Imagine this picture (8 x 11 size) in a black 11x17 frame with a nice matte (maybe white?): Think that will make J melt for Father's Day?! :) I hope so.

This Weekend - One Year Ago

I was organizing CD's! How exciting that must've been! I actually do remember sitting on the floor in our office going through cd's that I had made and writing down the track listings. This year I'll be consumed with J and K. This will be J's first Father's Day and K will be just doing his baby thing. We don't really have any plans for Father's Day. Mainly because J is still recovering. I did get him a card but that's it so far. I'd hoped to come up with some brilliant crafty idea, but it hasn't hit me yet. Or has it.....hmmmmm

Slowly But Surely

Things are getting better. That's not to say life is peaches and creme right now, but it's getting there. J has been able to work 1/2 days which is promising. He still has to take it easy and can't zip around like he used to, but he's able to stand/walk/shower/ride in a car - all the things we truly take for granted until we can't do them anymore. That has elevated my mood like you wouldn't believe. Last night J overdid it a bit which caused him to be sore for most of the night, but he's okay. I can tell he's anxious to get back to doing things like he used to. K is doing fine at daycare. Our latest "bump" has been with pacifiers. We've gone through 3 different brands to no avail. B has one that he loves (Soothie)! I'm not certain if this is the right brand, but tonight I'm going to ask to look at it again to make sure. Then, it's off to the store. It's hard to believe that K is 7 weeks old. I don't think time has passed that quickly ever in my life! It's almost a blur trying to remember the first few weeks home and how much trouble we were having with figuring out how much K needed to eat, when (and where) he would sleep, how we would sleep... I'm just shaking my head at it all. What really seems "odd" to me is that I can tell people what K likes/doesn't like, how much he eats/sleeps, how often he poops and the color (OMG, LOL!), etc. The general care info everyone asks about. Maybe "odd" isn't the word, but I can't think of anything else. It's just the idea that I know so much about another person other than myself. Motherhood is slowly sinking in. Of course, now that I've blogged about it, K is going to totally switch it up and prove me wrong! LOL! For now, I can take a breath. Although things are still up in the air, it's calming down bit by bit. I'll take that any day.

K and His Ceiling Fans

K has a thing for ceiling fans. You can't see the fan in the above pic, but he is just staring at it with all his might. LOL! When he went to daycare yesterday, he did the same thing. B had a good chuckle about it. We haven't figured out why or what it is about ceiling fans, but who cares. It's funny. :)

Said My Peace (History Won't Repeat)

So I've been thinking (while catching up on work) about how I said that parents don't have routines anymore (at least new ones like me), etc, etc. I realized that I'm beginning to act/sound like my mother. No offense to her, she raised me as a single parent when "single parenthood" wasn't en vogue and for that I'm grateful. However, someone pointed out to me that it seemed like I was "in the way" of her living her life as I was growing up. That I didn't fit into her routine. It has struck me that I may be heading down that same path with my own child and that I will not have. I admit that it will take some work on my part. I'm a routine oriented person and live for structure! (you may wonder why I wanted children if that were the case - I guess I like a challenge. LOL) I don't ever want my son (or future children) to feel like they are in my way or cumbersome to me. My history will not repeat itself through my kids! I've said my peace and counted to three.

A Fitting Name

I have realized that being a parent is more work than I anticipated. I knew it was work, but this has taken me by surprise, so to speak. I feel like an extended babysitter (!) more than a mom. I haven't figured out why that is. I love K, but the euphoria that everyone talks about hasn't hit me quite yet. Maybe because euphoria = relaxation and K has been anything but. LOL. He's not a bad/fussy baby-just work. Welcome to Real Parenthood. PSA for future parents: Your "routine" in life (from cleaning the dishes, laundry, going to the store, hopping in the car to get gas, sleeping, choosing which outfit to wear to work) is no more! You have no routine. I knew this too before getting pregnant, however I didn't realize to what extent. When I pick out what to wear in the morning, I have to make sure I have 2-3 other options in case I get spit up on or poo'd on. Routine, no such thing anymore. That takes me to the title of my blog. I totally feel like I'm just crashing through things as I learn how to be a parent. I can only hope that I'm not scarring K for life as I try to figure things out. J went to work today for 1/2 day. He did okay. We can't ask for anything more than that. Progress is slow, but he's getting there. We're hoping he doesn't have to go in for another epidural shot of the anti-inflammatory. His boss has been very understanding throughout this entire time. Thankfully! K went to daycare for the first time today. I hope all is well. B hasn't called saying anything is wrong or asking about anything. I'm grateful for that. Speaking of K: With that, I'm back to work. PS - It's good to have something upbeat to blog about, even if it's somewhat subdued.

When shit goes bonkers in life, I clean and organize like a mad woman. I may not have control over everything, but I do over how my home looks - right down to the Kitchen cabinets. LOL in spite of myself. J is getting better. Still very slowly and he's going to try to go to work tomorrow. I hope he can make it.

Pinhole

I see it, the tiniest pinhole of hope. J is showing progress. He's able to stand up and walk around, although not for very long. Maybe 5 minutes at a time. Now he just has to be able to sit down in a chair. That's what we're hoping for over the next 2 days. He has a desk job, so sitting is pretty much a requirement. The walking/standing he can do with crutches if need be. I'm still hesitant to rest my hopes on anything, yet. I just hope that he'll be able to go back to work this coming Monday. So many things hang in the balance right now - just let the scales tip in our favor.

Pull Up A Chair

to see our entire life unraveling. J = no improvement, going on week 2 of no work which means no money Baby = fine, but I can barely take care of him Me = lucky if I get to brush my hair and teeth every day

PSA - Humor (aka Dear Mother)

When people are going through a really difficult time (see my posts over the past week) and are facing not only physical impairments but also the probability of loosing a job, health insurance, accumulating bills and home all while dealing with being first time parents to a 6 week old baby - JOKES ARE NOT FUNNY! IT'S IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY TO HAVE YOU QUIP ABOUT OUR CONCERNS AND TRY TO MAKE LIGHT OF A VERY SERIOUS SITUATION. SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU ARE NOT FUNNY. AND DON'T TELL ME YOU UNDERSTAND! YOU DON'T! YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS SO QUIT TRYING TO "RELATE" TO WHAT WE'RE GOING THROUGH.

Dissolve

Dissolving "To cause to break down emotionally or psychologically; upset." http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=dissolving Dissolved Girl" by Massive Attack http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/massiveattack/dissolvedgirl.html I feel like everything that was stable around me and my family is now dissolving. So many worries bombard me every morning. I'm doing my best to take care of J through this ordeal as well as Baby but I fear that I'm neglecting them both. I focus on helping J take a shower while Baby has to chill in the crib. I barely get 5 minutes to eat before going to get Baby and spend some time with him. This entire situation is crap. This is no way to begin a new life with Baby. I can't even begin to count how many times I've cried in the bathroom over this. Hell, I'm even crying as I type this. If things don't turn for the better, it may be the end of me. I'm doing what I can to take care of J and Baby as well as keeping our home up (cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping) - somewhere in there I manage time to brush my hair and teeth and switch out of my pajamas. All I keep thinking is that there is no fucking point to this. Nothing to be learned by watching my husband suffer through so much pain, nor feeling guilty because I'm trying to take care of a baby as a new mom and J. What am I supposed to "learn" from this?! That god/karma/fate has a fucked up view on what's okay to dish out to people? Fucked up indeed. There should be a checks and balances system for god/karma/fate similar to what is in place for our government. To make sure that no one person/family gets any more crap tossed at them than anyone else. And, to make sure that people only have to deal with one "event" at a time. No more of this bombarding shitloads of stuff on people all at once. This is probably in vain, but I keep holding out hope that tomorrow (and the next day, and the next, etc) shows some improvement. Why? Who the hell knows. "Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks: I'm not ready to make nice, I'm not ready to back down, I'm still mad as hell And I don't have time To go round and round and round That is how I feel towards whatever "force" seems to think it's okay to fucking rain down this mis-fortune on J. There is no point to it. There is no reason for a decent person to have to go through this much suffering. No reason at all. Save it for the pedifiles and murders, not for those who are doing their best to be decent and responsible people.

Where it goes from here

Yesterday afternoon was nerve-racking and semi-productive. J went to see a neurosurgeon and we were told (thankfully) that he doesn't need surgery. Instead, he was able to receive a epidural/steriod shot in his back which is supposed to relieve the inflamation which will in turn relieve the pain. The herniation of the disk will still be there, but the "madness" that is going on around it and causing all of the pain should be taken care of. Here's to hoping he only needed this one shot. DR said that it can sometimes take 2-3 shots to be effective. J was such a trooper. I really hope that he doesn't have to have any more. I had an epidural during labor, so I understand how freaked out he was and how much it hurts. The difference with his is that he had all of the medicine put in at once whereas with mine the medicine was put in via an IV type bag/device and spread out evenly over time. I have to type this so that I remember. The nurse and the technician at the hospital were great! JK and KM were helpful and really helped J when he couldn't even get out of the wheelchair at first. They showed compassion and did their best to lighten the mood to help J feel a little better, even though they understood J was about to have a needle shot in his back. I am so grateful to them because of that. Also because by the time we got to the hospital (after running to the DR first and then a specialist and then the hospital) J was worn out/in pain and I was all nerves. There was so much adreneline running through us and we hadn't eaten since that morning - it was nice to come in and have them take care of us. I also must thank his parents. They came down early in the day to watch Baby so that we didn't have to take him along to all of these appointments. That was so awesome, I can't even begin to express how grateful I am. We are trying to figure out what to do for them as a thank you. They say that we don't "owe" them anything, but I have to do something. J and I were thinking of mailing them a gas card. They live 45 minutes (50 miles) away so it would definitely be something they could use. It's also moments like this when I realize how lucky I am to be married to J and to have his family like me and consider me one of their own. So many people don't get along with their in-laws and couldn't ask them for help in a pinch. I have been so fortunate. So, that's a brief summary of where things are at. The DR said it could take approx. 2 days for the medicine to get to all the affected areas and for J to feel better. Here's hoping this takes. J is already feeling better, although still sore. He will be for a little while longer, but at least it's not like it was.

The Wholeness of Me

I don't even know where to start... J has a herniated disk in his back. We already knew this. It happened from a car accident he was in during 2000. Problem is now, he can barely move and by barely I mean can't even stand to pee. There are many other things that he's limited by right now. Too many to go into. We have another DR appt today to get a referral to a specialist. Why make him go in? Just tell us over the phone! Better yet, just make the damn appt with the specialist today - lets skip a step and give J a break! I feel terrible because there's not much I can do. I help as much as I can (make lunch, arrange pillows on the floor, etc) but it sucks because none of it resolves the problem. Surgery. That is the next step, I just know it. Timing sucks. I go back to work next week. Whose going to watch out for him during the day?! He'll be off of work for a while so I have to go to my job. We can't go without money. It's been a stretch for us while I've been on maternity leave. There are so many things running through my head right now (actually, both of our heads - we're both worried) I can barely keep myself together. His parents came up this past Tuesday to help us and with Baby. I cried when they asked me how I was. Not a major sobbing session, but the tears flowed for about a minute. I NEVER do that. I admit to wearing my heart on my sleeve, but I am pretty good about having a poker face around others (at least until I can get to a bathroom where there's some privacy). In my twenties (and most of my life, actually) I never cared about anyone or anything other than myself. Sounds stereotypical, but it's true. Now, well, who the hell am I? What am I made up of? I am made up of my husband and my son. J and my son are the only things that matter to me. In this fucked up world, their happiness is all I give a damn about. I'm doing my best to hold it together, but if anything happens I'll most likely end up in a looney bin. I'll loose it in the worst of ways and there won't be a damn thing anyone can do. For the love of all that is holy - keep them happy/healthy/safe. I know that's asking a lot, but considering that there are people out there doing heinous crimes and getting away with it - I dare ask it again - For the love of all that is holy - keep them happy/healthy/safe!

Damn!

I now have "runners knee" which is when the muscles/tendons (you name it) ache and send lots of pain shooting throughout your nerves pretty much anytime you move. Great! I was doing really well with getting back into running. I had started off with a light jog to get my body back into it and now this. It sucks. Not to mention I was really hoping to not have to go buy a new set of clothes to go back to work in. I'm trying to remember that I have a son and I knew that the weight wouldn't just melt off, but I'm trying so hard only to face this set back. I'm already suffering a blow to the ego because every time I look in the mirror I see the "mama tire" belly. What a week this has been, and it's only Monday...

My Plea!

To The Great Omnipotent Power: Fix J's back so that he is no longer in pain/hunched over. He deserves better than this. Please.

Along for the Ride (The Waiting, Part 3)

I'm sitting here organizing coupons/baby stuff while Baby H enjoys his swing. It's moments like this that I don't feel so bad about buying another baby item. We're trying to not get every little thing out there, but the swing is a life saver. All Hail the Cradle Swing! LOL. Anyway, as I was sitting here I heard "The Waiting" by Tom Petty playing on the radio. I was reminded of a previous post where I referenced his song. So much has changed over the past month and a half. Some of it good, some not so much. I could've done with the first 2 weeks being easier. I suppose all first time parents would agree. Waiting for Baby H to be born was challenging, but the first 2 weeks with him here take the cake. Things are getting better. It's a slow process, but I'll take what I can get. Again, the waiting is the hardest part. :) Funny how that fits so many things in life. We had to wait to get pregnant (thank you, Body, for having your own agenda and making me crazy with not knowing what the hell was going on - NOT!),the pregnancy is a 40 week waiting game (40+1 - thank you Baby H for not being in any hurry to be born, LOL) and now waiting and watching him grow. We're just along for the ride...and what a crazy one it's sure to be.

Random Musings on a Tuesday Afternoon

When Baby H gets worked up, his fists ball up - I call them fists of fury. When he's playful (and grumpy), he kicks out his legs - frog legs. So, He's full of fists of fury and frog legs. That just makes me laugh. I wish we could get a picture of it. Maybe someday. I must also express my dear appreciation for the cradle swing that we just got. Baby loves to be rocked and this does the trick. Plus, it goes great right next to the treadmill so I can jog and still keep an eye on him. It's beautiful. The only drawback is that I have to turn it off and wake him up. It's time for him to eat and I don't want him to sleep all day since we're slowly getting into some kind of day/night schedule. Ahhh, he's so cute and relaxed. I hate having to be the mean mom and wake him. There'll be hell to pay, though, if he goes much longer without a diaper change and food. LOL!

So a lot has happened. Well, to me anyway. Baby H is getting better with his sleep schedule. It's not great, but better. I'm knocking on wood that he keeps it up and that he'll sleep for longer stretches of time. :) I'm still overwhelmed. Not as much as before. The past 2 weeks have helped us get into a semi-groove. I'm now starting to feel time going by too fast since I have to go back to work in just over two weeks. I don't mind working, just wish I could've gotten more time off. When I start to dwell on it I wish we lived in Canada. I've read that they are required to have the first year off. I haven't done that much research on it, so I don't know how true it is, but if so - damn that would be nice. I can't think/write about that anymore. That just adds to the overwhelming feeling. Of course, there is also the breastfeeding/formula dilema. For whatever reason, Baby H spits up an insane amount after he has breastmilk. Even with regular milk based formula he spits up. We've got him on Enfamil ProSobee (a soy based formula) and he still spits up, but it's more like drool. I admit that I'm disappointed. I really want to give him the breastmilk, but with all of the spit up - well, I just don't know what to do. For now, I'm pumping it and freezing it. It lasts for quite a while in a deep freezer, so I'm hoping to be able to give it to him eventually. Still, disappointed. What makes me chuckle right now is that instead of grabbing my nice purse when we go out, I now grab a diaper bag and stuff my wallet in one of the already full pockets. I'm sure they make really stylish diaper bags, but from what I've seen you either get practical and decent looking or you get not practical at all and stylish. Speaking of going out, it's pretty nice so we're going for a walk. I totally need it. I dared to try on a suit today (to get ready to go back to work) and was defeated when I saw the size. I didn't balloon up with weight gain during the pregnancy and have lost 35 pounds already, but it's just hanging out around my hips and "mama belly". It's been a struggle to not eat total crap all day out of depression. We'll see how the next 1 1/2 week goes. Maybe there's hope yet.

AHHHH

There is nothing that will prepare you for sleep deprivation, nor the shell of a woman you'll become because of it! Baby is great, but his schedule is all over the place and I'm still trying to figure it out. That's where we're having our bump. I don't think I've checked my email less or spent less time on the pc than this week with him. I feel out of the loop! The thing that frightens me is how to make this lack of sleep/relatively normal schedule work when I go back to work. It seems impossible that Baby will settle into some routine or that I'll get anything more than 30 minutes of restless sleep. Everyone says it will work out. That the first 2 weeks are the hardest. I certainly hope so.

Baby H is Here!

He arrived last Tuesday (4/25/06) at 3:09 pm. He weighed 8 lbs 5 oz and was 21 1/2 inches long. Dad is great, Baby is great, Mom is really freaking tired! More details to come.

Creature of Habit

Per DR, I start leave tomorrow. Add some elevated blood pressure and swelling and it's rest time for me before Baby H arrives. Technically he should have been here yesterday, but we'll give hime the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he knew of the fiasco/bizarro birth of the TomKat baby and didn't want to have anything in common with that! In that case, kudos to you Baby H! 35 minutes to go and I'll be done for just over 6 weeks. I've gotten everything in order here as much as possible. It's a very odd feeling, knowing that I'm going to have quite some time off of work. Even though I'll be back (it's a good job and I like it as well as the people), it just seems like so long. Not that I'm complaining because once baby is here, I'll probably wish I had more time. :) I think it's because of the routine of work. Get up in the morning, get ready, drive to work and get stuff done from 8-5, then go home. I've been told that I won't have much of a routine once baby is here, that I'll be more at his "mercy" than anything else. That could be interesting because I'm a creature of habit. I thrive on routine, LOL! It's just going to be weird. I'll have to live with/adjust to it. It's really starting to sink in that by this time next week, Baby H should be here. If he doesn't make his appearance on his own, next Tuesday DR and nurses will "help" him out(whether he likes it or not - LOL). A year ago I couldn't imagine being at this point. What was I doing a year ago? Still trying to get AF on my own and dealing with all of the trials/tribulations that come with that. How far things have come! Crazy. Just crazy...

Question of the Day - Induction

So I ask a few people about inductions: what they're like, questions to ask my DR, etc. I had no idea I'd start a debate and require a flame suit for some of the responses! I was only asking a question, people! As you may have already guessed, Baby H is not here yet and technically isn't due until tomorrow. Yes, I'm anxious for things to get started, but I'm not going to opt for anything that will harm him. I have a DR appt tomorrow and we'll be talking about inductions because I'll be 40 weeks and it's something that may come up. I want to get as much info as I can, even if I won't need it at all and Baby H comes on his own. Plus, DR would schedule the induction between 41 and 42 weeks. Seems fair to me. Anyone have any input about this stuff, without throwing a 3 year old temper tantrum in my direction? You know, it pisses me off because it's not like I'm considering this at 24 weeks because I don't want to get stretch marks or something superficial like that. Baby is due and it's something that will have to be considered. People need to calm the fuck down. There a larger issues to be concerned about other than whether I choose to be induced and whether that happens at 41 or 42 weeks!

The Waiting, Part 2

So another DR appointment has come and gone - no change/progress since the last appointment last week. In fact, I've been the same for a month. Baby is just not in a hurry to come out. DR did strip the membranes which may or may not help things get going. From what I've been able to research, the jury is still out on that. I figure it can't hurt to help things along, or at least try to anyway. If Baby isn't here by next week, then DR will schedule an induction for the following week. That'll put me 1 week over due, but it will also give Baby one more week to come on his own. I hope things start soon. I know it's going to be painful, a lot of work when Baby gets here, etc, and because of that I'd just like to get on with it! The waiting part makes me nuts.

"Are you in launch mode yet?"

I've been chuckling about this for the past 10 minutes. A male co-worker just asked me this and it was all I could do to not snort out my diet pepsi through my nose! Got to love men! They come up with some doosies sometimes!

Crap Shoot (aka - waiting / catch 22)

"The waiting is the hardest part." - Tom Petty As I sit here and watch Baby squirm around, I am reminded how anxious I am for him to be born. I know it will be painful and I'll probably be a shell of a woman by the time it's over - but I'm just anxious. I really don't care for not knowing when something is going to happen, like when Baby will be born. I mean, it is literally up in the air and I have no say in when things will get started. None at all. I guess that is why it seems like the birth will never get here - because I have no real "time frame" to go by. Sure, I have a due date, but that is tentative as well. It's a crap shoot. This will probably drive me nuts. I also know that when he gets here I'll be responsible for another person besides myself. That is a frightening thought as well. Makes me wonder why in the hell I'm so anxious for Baby to be born! I can't explain it. It's a catch 22. Another crap shoot.

ZZZZ - Huh? What? (Part 2)

Well, DR appt went fine. Typical in and out (check Baby's heartbeat, internal exam, questions?), which is normal for me at this point. Still no change (in dialation/effacement) from last week, which was no different from the week before and the week before that. That is a bit depressing because I'd hoped that there would be some progress. This "no change" business is for the birds.

ZZZZZZZZZ

I'm going to whine here today, so if you don't want to read a pregnant woman's sleep deprived rant - well then go away! Over the past 2 nights I may have managed a total of 8 hours (maybe). Between the infamous time change debacle that we are subjected to twice a year, the rotten egg smell that permeates the apartment building hallways (due to lots of rain, questionable plumbing, and being in the building at the bottom of the hill), and having to get up to pee 4-5 times per night - well, it's no wonder. I've heard comments like "It's an example of what's to come when baby gets here." and I want to slap the mouth those words came from! Sure, they may be true to a certain degree - however the last thing this pregnant lady wants to hear is that 1) there's more of this to come and 2) be "talked down to" like I should already know this and how dare I be upset at getting no sleep. All I really want (besides sleep) is a sympathetic ear. I spent the better portion of last night bawling because I was so frustrated. My only consolation was feeling Baby H moving around. Of course, he was probably worked up because of me. I feel bad for that. Hopefully he doesn't hold any ill-will toward me for it. Fast forward to this morning and it's all I can do to not lose it at work. When I'm tired I get cranky and my emotions are like a neon sign over my head. I'll make it through, I did yesterday. Although I'll have less humor about things. My weekly DR appt is in a few hours. Maybe she'll give me good news, although the only good news would be that it's time for Baby H to be born. I know that's a crap shoot because I haven't been having any contractions to speak of. At least none that I can identify as contractions. I wonder what options will be available on my due date in 2 weeks? Will they make me wait it out until I'm overdue? As I type these questions it kind of sinks in that there are only (technically) 2 weeks left in my pregnancy. 2 weeks - that isn't a lot of time when you stop and think about it. That's potentially *only* 2 more weekends for J and I to be a couple. 2 weeks for us to be able to just get up and go whenever we want without a second thought, watch whatever movie we want - basically just DO WHATEVER WE WANT TO DO. Hmmm...

Only a few more weeks

January 1, 2006 March 26, 2006 No wonder my belly keeps poking out from under my shirts! This baby can come any time now!

In Awe

I was going back over some past posts about Baby. It's amazing to think that 3 months ago I was just starting to really feel him move around and now he stretches out to the point where I walk around with a lopsided belly sometimes. LOL! I was also comparing the very first u/s pic to the most recent one in January. September 2005 January 2006 It's amazing to see how much he's grown. It's also leaves me speechless to see how we go from the most basic cells to human beings. Everything has to come together in a certain way - and they do it completely on their own. I have no control over this. The only "control" I have is to take care of myself (eating, being active, etc) and the rest takes care of itself. It's times like this that I am truly in awe. As I was looking over the previous posts, I re-read the ones about going to the RE and the first time I took the pregnancy test. I could hardly believe it. After months of my body doing it's own thing, J and I actually trying to have a baby, numerous negative tests - it finally happened. Here I am now, with Baby doing his groove thing in my ribs! As much as I hate looking at the dimples on my legs and the ever rising numbers on the scale, I have been very fortunate. These past 8 1/2 months have been relatively pain free. Sure there have been aches, a head cold, leg cramps - but in the scope of things I've been pretty lucky w/no morning sickness, no gestational diabetes, or any of the other potential things that can occur during pregnancy. Now, of course I'm not that naive. I know labor and delivery are right around the corner. I may be writing another post solely about pain! LOL! I'm also nervous/anxious about it. The whole "fear" of the unknown. From what I understand, I will know no pain like this in my life! That's calming, isn't it?! I'm still being cautiously optimistic - keeping my guard up while still trying to ease into the last stage of being pregnant. I'm in awe that I made it this far. (Now excuse me, I must poke at/play with my baby's foot/leg/knee/arm/butt or whatever is wriggling against my rib and bladder).

So after looking at this last u/s pic, I can deal w/some dimples on my legs. :)

Name That Part

Since baby has been getting larger, J and I have been playing name that body part - whether it's a heel, foot, butt, head - you name it we've been trying to guess it. So far, it seems his rear-end is on my right side in my ribs. This makes it very possible that the small round bump just above my belly button is a heel. That's about all we have for now. It's not as easy as some make it out to be, trying to guess what is poking where. So, 6.5 weeks to go. Well, give or take because babies have a mind of their own and will come when they are damn good and ready to. :) It has gone by so quickly. Even though it's 3/7 (beginning of March), in a week it'll be middle of March. Time is flying and so is this pregnancy. Overall, it's been pretty uneventful. Well, in terms of pain/morning sickness/fatigue. I've been pretty fortunate, I know that. There are many who feel terrible throughout the entire time. That's not to say that I've made it this far unscathed! Even with my walking on a regular basis, I've managed to get a few dimples on my upper legs. A bit depressing since I used to run before getting pregnant and had a decent amount of muscle tone. Now, well, it's in hiding. LOL. I keep telling myself, soon enough I'll be able to get back into running. It's like a pep talk I have to keep repeating in order to not go completely mental. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. I'm so anxious to meet baby H. Not that I want to rush things. I'm just excited. And petrified. There are so many things to learn - I hope that "mothers instinct" kicks in quickly.

Stretch

This is my son! LOL! Well at least it seems so from the way he is moving. Some women have more kicks, I have rolls and stretches! It's cool to watch my belly expand but at the same time I wonder how on earth it can withstand the pressure! I'm also wondering what I'm going to be in for over the next 7 weeks. He's only going to get bigger which means I'm only going to get bigger! I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

63 degrees outside and I'm stuck in the office. I have some serious cabin fever! Not to mention, there's only an hour left in the work day and I'm antsy as hell to start the weekend. We get to have our baby shower tomorrow afternoon and I'm anxious to see what we'll get. Not much has been purchased off our registry, but I'm hopeful that people won't give us the shaft. So, an hour to go and nothing to do. Just trying to keep/look busy, because otherwise I'd fall asleep at my desk out of boredom. I'm grateful that my Friday hasn't been hectic and hopefully no one will give my last minute work to do at 15 til 5. I'd like to end the week as caught up as I am right now. I've been watching baby move a good portion of the day. He's definitely getting stronger. I've also noticed he tends to roll and stretch more than kick. From what I've heard, I should be grateful for that (LOL) and I am. I'm happy to feel him moving any time of the day or night. Even when it's 3 AM, I'm thrilled. It actually helps me get back to sleep after the 3-4 times I get up to pee now. J and his dad have been working on refurbishing a dresser for baby. Since today was so nice, they put a coat of stain on and from what J said, it matches really well w/the crib. I can't wait to see it. We paid $75 plus materials for it and it's all made of real wood! Try to find that in any store now and pay less than $250.00! Not going to happen! We found this dresser at a consignment shop. All it needed was a little TLC and it's good as new. Hopefully there will be a few more decent days so that the 2nd coat of stain can be applied and it will be done. Once we get a final picture of it, I'll post it along side one of it before the work. Things are coming together for baby. Crib is together, dresser is almost done, car seat is ready, I've washed a few clothes and blankets. We still need to baby proof sockets and cabinets, move cleaning products up, that kind of stuff. I'm very excited.

Getting Over It

So, I'm letting work be what it will be. I'll deal w/them as each situation comes up. That's not to say that the incessant comments about not taking leave/bringing baby to work aren't still pissing me off. I hear them 4x a day and each time they un-nerve me just a bit more than the last. I'll deal with it. I was thinking the other day that we're in the single digits as far as weeks left in my pregnancy. 9 weeks to go, give or take a day or two. It seems like yesterday was Christmas and I didn't have much of a belly to show off to anyone. Now, well, it's not hard to miss. I'm not humongous, but at least I look pregnant now. I wonder how people will react this weekend at my baby shower?! Most haven't seen me since mid-December. I hope they don't all start patting the belly. I guess I can deal with it if they do. At least I know these people, as opposed to someone out of the blue walking up to me and doing that in the grocery store. God help the person who does that! LOL! The Rock's raised eye look will have nothing on the evil eye I give to a stranger who even looks like they might start patting my belly! Anyway, back to it. J and I have gotten a lot accomplished. Baby's room is pretty much ready. We've got to stain the dresser, but that won't happen until the temperature warms up a bit more. Otherwise, every thing is pretty much ready. I should wash some more outfits to at least get baby through the first week. I'm hesitant because we don't know how big baby will be. I don't want to wash too much and not have him fit into them. 9 weeks to go. Crazy! Just crazy!

Of Course!

Addendum to the list below: #13 Well of course "I'll only be a phone call away" while on maternity leave. You can call me with any questions/work that needs to be handled while I'm trying to figure out exactly how to take care of a newborn. Fat chance motherfuckers! If the calls aren't from J or parents, you can fuck off! Seriously, FUCK YOU!

As the Belly Grows

and other points that are pissing me off/making me cry today. Baby H is doing well. He's not so much kicking as squirming around and it's awesome! I'm excited to hold him in my arms, but I admit I'll miss feeling him move around in the belly! 9 weeks to go! Hardly seems like time has gone by that fast! It's pretty obvious that I'm pregnant now. I remember just a few months ago when I was longing to look it. Finally, it is here! Of course, with this comes comments from people when I check out at the store about when baby's due, is it a boy/girl, etc. I don't mind the questions right now. Hopefully I won't get pissy as the time goes by and I get closer (and bigger) to the big day. This takes me to my next "topic"/vent of things that are pissing me off! Not to mention most of them are making me cry as well. Damn hormones anyway! 1. People (mostly men) who make me get out of the way when walking down a hallway! Hello you fucking asshole, I'm the pregnat one. Give me a break! 2. Turning in my paperwork for my annual review and having my boss say to me, "Oh, I forgot all your review." Yeah, thanks a fucking lot! I totally feel needed in your department now! 3. Getting my work area/procedure manual all up to date so that the part time pussy wimp girl has a clue as to what she's doing while I'm on maternity leave only to have her make one particular procedures 10x harder than it really is. 4. Having my boss (and now the receptionist and pussy wimp girl) tell me I don't need to take maternity leave, they'll just set up a bassinet in my work area. Gee, what fucking generosity you have! Fuck you! 5. Having #4 repeated 2-3 a day. Again I say, FUCK YOU! 6. Posting an online job listing for a position I've expressed interest in for over a year. My damn BA degree is in the field and I have a fair amount of experience doing said job. When I approaced my boss about it, she says, "Oh, you were still interested in that?" No, I only put it in my review sheet last year and have talked about it off and on for over a fucking year - just because. 7. All of the opportunities on my review sheet last year were taken away from me. No reason only than they couldn't find anyone to do my current job. So, apparently, fuck me. 8. The realization that I'll never get promoted here. There's no one to do my job (they don't want to go through the work of hiring someone) so I'm stuck here with empty "opportunities". Fuck me again, only this time bent over with a chainsaw. 9. Hitting the publish post before I was fucking done, damnit! 10. Having to have a meeting regarding #3 because pussy wimp girl can't find an answer on her own. 11. Knowing that the meeting in #10 isn't going to matter one fucking bit because they're going to do things they're own fucking way (backasswards) while I'm out anyway. 12. Getting the shaft at my annual review. At least they could compensate me for the stuff they said I'd get to do last year and then took away from me. Can you tell I'm really pissed off. I've just had enough of being treated like shit. I'd really like to catch a break! Whether it's with this company or else where, I don't know that I care right now. I'd just like to catch a fucking break!

Friday Afternoon Fun

You are Bettie Page Girl next door with a wild streak You're a famous beauty - with unique look And the people like you are cultish about it What Famous Pinup Are You?

A-ok

Well, the glucose test came back fine so Yay! Of course, this week I've indulged in more sweet stuff than ever. LOL! Guess it's time to get back on track. :) We had another u/s yesterday and all is loooking well. Baby is about 3 pounds and growing right on track. He's been "quiet" over the past day, though, which may be from getting worked over yesterday by the u/s tech. Trying to get measurements, etc the tech had a hell of a time because Baby was moving all over. Too funny! I know that some complain that the kicks hurt, but I don't mind. They're a reminder that he's awake and ok.

I'm finally starting to look pregnant now, instead of "fluffy" or "thick" LOL. I've been kind of playing with Baby H for the past 10 minutes. He's pretty active right now and not only can I feel him moving around, I am starting to be able to see him move my shirt! Every time he'd move, I'd rub that spot on my belly and sometimes he'd move in that spot again. Of course, I'd rub back, etc. We've been doing this for almost 10 minutes. It's a trip, that's for sure. I had to to the glucose screening test this morning. The "concentrated sugar" drink wasn't too bad, but man I was jittery afterwards. Poor Baby H was too! My whole belly was moving because he was sooo hyped up. I must've looked silly because while I was waiting to have a blood draw done, I was staring at my belly watching him go. From what I've read, he weighs just over 2 pounds and is about 15 inches long head to foot. That's very cool to think about, but I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he fits inside me! It really does boggle the mind. I was also thinking how fast this has gone. I'm in the last trimester and my appts are now every 2 weeks. I'm anxious for each one and thankful that I don't have to wait an entire month anymore. I've pretty much written off work for the rest of the day. LOL. I'm having too much fun w/Baby H.

Hmmm

I was thinking about baby being able to start hearing things now and possibly being one of "those" people who play music, etc to them in utero. Then I started thinking about how he may react to it, which then led me to remembering when I first felt him move around inside. It was around the beginning of December and J and I were driving to his parents for a belated Thanksgiving. J had put Massive Attack in the CD player and sometime during the first two songs, I felt muscle spasms/flutters in my belly. It wasn't painful, but it was different from the gassy feelings everyone says you'll feel when baby starts moving. I was excited and freaked out at the same time. Excited to possibly be feeling baby, freaked out because there was indeed something growing in my belly that didn't require a trip to the bathroom! I told J about it and we talked about it and various other things. Somehow, we got on the subject of playing music/reading to him as he grew, etc, etc. It was cool. We wondered what kind of music we should play and all that. We decided that Massive Attack might be a good option, since it got such a response from him already. I've thought about playing it in my car on the way to work so see if I get a response from baby. Maybe I'll try different styles. Am I bad for "toying" w/my child before he's even born?! LOL!

4 1/2 Months to Go

Baby H is moving around quite a bit now. Hell, last night we even saw him kick against my belly - which was kind of creepy as visions of "Alien" ran through my head! LOL! I can tell he's getting stronger because I can feel him more often. It used to be that I had to be very still and focus on any movement in/around my belly. Now, just sitting here I can feel him moving around doin' his groove thing. :) The infamous glucose test is coming up in 2 weeks. Not really looking forward to it and from what I've heard, no pregnant woman ever does. I've also learned that many "fail" the first one hour test and have to go back for a 3 hour test! I'm trying to eat well, but not too far off from how I've been eating already. As much as I don't want to deal with this, if I do end up getting gestational diabetes then I want to know so that it can be controlled. I'm hoping, hoping, HOPING that I pass the first test and don't have to eliminate my favorite sweet splurges! After this month, I get to go to the DR visits every other week! I'm excited because a) it means that I'm in the last trimester and that much closer to having Baby H in my arms and b) I get to leave work for a while. Who doesn't love that! It doesn't seem like I should be this far along already. Only 4 1/2 months to go. That is assuming my edd is accurate and I don't end up overdue.

Pregnancy 101

So there are many things that one learns during pregnancy. What foods to avoid, the amount of caffeine allowed, symptoms of gas, etc, etc. What do they leave out? Well let me tell you! That EVERY DAMN OVER THE COUNTER MEDICINE HAS A PREGNANCY WARNING ON IT! From a simple cough drop to vicks vapor rub - yup, there's the warning! God forbid you actually catch a cold and need something to help! As you might have guessed, yes I have said head cold and had to wallow in it for 1 1/2 days until I could call DR and find out what is okay to take. It was so insane it was funny, I kid you not, everything has a pregnancy warning. I could hardly believe it! I would've been laughing my ass off if it weren't for the hacking cough that would've ensued because I'd shaken loose the congestion in my head. Anyway, that's my vent! Other than that, I'm enjoying being pregnant. For the most part, anyway. I don't think anyone enjoys gaining weight, only sleeping on their side at night or the gas that creeps up whether you eat one cookie or an entire 4 course dinner. (gurgle on gas bubble, gurgle on)

The Minister of Silly Walks

Hump Day Fun

take the WHAT INTENTIONAL TORT ARE YOU test. and go to mewing.net. because law school made laura do this. It's all about intimidation! Grrr! I'm so loving Attorney Wrangler! The funniest stuff if posted whether it be some quiz (see above) or the job. I know about as much legalese as a bird knows about hockey, but it just gives me a good laugh.

It's A...

Baby H is a boy! J and I are very excited and are now working out names. If you were a fly on the wall you'd get a good laugh at some of the ones we've come up with. We've decided to not tell anyone else, though, when we do decide. They get to know the gender, they have to wait for a name. Plus, I don't want to hear comments about the name we choose. People can have NO TACT WHATSOEVER and be quite rude when it comes to stuff like that and frankly, I'd probably smack the person who makes a snarky comment. So, in addition to finding real names for Baby H, we're also working on fake names to give everyone else. LOL! Being fans of Monty Python, we thought of Minister of Silly Walks and another one that's like 25 names all together. Don't ask me to write it because I can't remember a single one of them! This should be fun! As for me, well, I'm still adjusting. I still don't look like I'm pregnant. Seriously, it looks like I've eaten a big dinner and that's about it. I keep seeing all of these other pregnant women w/the cute bellies and I long for that soooo much. It's like, if I'm going to be gaining weight and all then I want the belly to go with it. Of course, in a few months I'll be cursing myself because then I probably will have a huge belly! It's a catch 22. The other reason for wanting a belly is so that I can wear maternity tops and not look foolish! Tis the season for holiday parties, etc and it's getting more difficult to find tops/sweaters to wear. If I go with just a size larger than I wore pre-pg then the bottom is too short and my quasi belly pokes out. If I go in maternity top, the bottom hangs down and looks like a clown suit! Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I wanted to be pg for quite a while (in comparison to some, of course) and earlier this year thought it would never happen. I'm soooooo very grateful to be pg and have everything go smoothly so far. It's just an adjustment that has its bumps. Clothing companies would make a killing in creating "transitional" clothing for pg ladies. Sure there's some stuff out there, but it's mainly pants/jeans. Find me a top/sweater that isn't full blown maternity and I'd go ape over that! Give me twenty!

sofa king

I love stumbling across new slang. The one I read today read: "sofa king stupid" (courtesy of wwdn-see links) I've been trying to figure out when/where I can use it. I don't know why I like it other than it makes me laugh a little.

Hope for the Best

All seems to be going well with Baby H. The ultrasound looked good and we got to see the baby move like a kung fu master at one point, it was hilarious. That being said, I am learning humility during this pregnancy. Not that I've been overly arrogant like "Look what I've done!" "Look how cute I am." blah, blah, blah. But after really good appointments, I do tend to get overconfident. As if I have any control over what happens with this pregnancy. So after the great ultrasound, started to feel real confident and within a few hours found that I was spotting. This can be common during pregnancy, but since I haven't had any - well, it freaked me out something fierce! And knocked me back down to reality! Let me say, everything is fine. Haven't spotted since that day, which is a relief. Just an example of how I'm learning to be humble in regards to this. It's not like I'm overly religious, but am just learning to respect the whole process A LOT MORE! This is not something I anticipated having to "learn". I've read articles about women summing up pregnancy in one word and they usually say: miracle, annoying, long - that kind of stuff. For me, I'm going back to humbling. If for no other reason than the fact that I have no control over how the pregnancy will progress. All I can do is eat the best that I can, get some exercise and hope for the best.

I am Kung Fu Master. I like to be in control of myself. I dislike crowds, especially crowds containing people trying to kill me. Even though I always win, I prefer to avoid fights if possible. What Video Game Character Are You? or I am Jetpac Man. I love the outdoors; the sense of freedom, of adventure. I love the sensation of free-fall, and would parachute and bungee jump on a moment's notice. I know where I want to be, and I strive to get there, making great effort to collect what I need. I let nothing stand in my way. What Video Game Character Are You? It's a toss up.

What the hell :)

I saw this listed on Nico's site and thought what the hell! :) I'm bored at work and had a few minutes so here goes: Accent: Midwestern. I don't hear it, but when I call someone on the coast, they can. Bra size: For now DD. Ask me again after baby's born! Chore I hate: Cleaning the bathrooms Dad's name: Michael Essential make-up: Lipstick Favorite perfume: Only J's. - Currently Ralph Lauren's Romance, but also Tommy T. Gold or Silver: Silver Hometown: Wichita, KS Interesting fact: That I don't have any.... Job title: Admin Asst. Now that's boring! LOL! Kids: One in progress. Boy - Cillian Lee / Girl - Evelyn Leigh (Can you guess, Lee/Leigh is a family name on J's side.) Living arrangements: 2 Bedroom apt Mom's Birthplace: No idea Number of apples eaten in last week: Zip Number of apples eaten in entire life? Maybe 20 Overnight hospital stays: None Phobia: Bugs! I hate them. Oh, and needles, but I hate bugs more. Question you ask yourself a lot: What the fuck?! Religious affiliation: Agnostic, but I attend Lutheran church w/J. What does that mean? No idea. A compromise, if you will. Plus, there are no true non denominational churches here. Siblings: None Time I wake up: 6:15am Unnatural hair color: In high school I dyed my bangs white and left the rest brown. Vegetable I refuse to eat: Okra. I've tried it and it's slimy! Worst habit: Being critical/over analytical. X-rays: Dentist, a chest x-ray to check everything out after quitting smoking. Yummy food I make: Macarroni and cheese. Zodiac sign: Scorpio

So Far So Good

Test results came back within normal range, so that's a relief. Now is the countdown until the u/s - 18 days to go. I'm very excited and hope Baby H cooperatives and shows us whether we should say he or she! It'll be nice to have "current" pics of baby too. The last time I saw baby was at almost 7 weeks. So much has changed, I can't wait to see! Sure there are websites that can show pictures of the development, etc. But I want to see my baby, not some image of what he/she should look like!