Not Starting So Good

This month is only 9 days in and it hasn't been going well. Last Monday I had a headache from hell. It hurt to lay down, sit up, to do anything. I finally willed myself to puke and felt better by the end of the day. Lovely. K has had his "cold" for 2 1/2 weeks and it has now progressed to an ear infection. Even Better. J started to feel ill over this past weekend and he now has a double ear infection. Fucking Fantastic! If you've been reading for a while, you can note that this has not been the easiest year for us to get through (see Here and Here). How exactly is one expected to make it through this bullshit?! I'm really interested because at the moment I'm drowning myself in chocolate and carrot cake. Gee, no fucking wonder I'm having a hard time loosing the baby weight. I can't focus on eating right, exercising and juggling DR appts for K and J every other week. How sad that my only refuge is work. I'd love to take a day off for me, but that gets blown to shit too. Think I'm kidding?! I had planned to take last Friday off for me and only me. K would be in daycare and J would be at work. Do you think it worked out that way? Hell no! K spent most of Thursday night/Friday morning with a fever (leading to the above mentioned ear infection) and we spent the better part of Friday at the DR and then going to get the medicine. I don't think I'm asking too much for 1 damn day to do what I want. One day to reset myself would be really fucking nice. This year bites the big one! I'm grateful that J, K and I are alive and making it through, but dear fucking christ (!) it's been by the skin of our teeth. Somebody please tell me it will get better. Even if you have to lie.

Sitting Up On His Own

Conflict Resolution - PC Style

There are moments when I am able to actually use my Bachelors degree. This afternoon was one of those times. I've been trying to get my computer to read/recognize a flash drive. I'd insert it and the arrow icon would appear, showing that the computer "sees" it. Problem came when I'd go to my drop down list and the icon for the flash drive wouldn't appear. I couldn't figure it out to save my life. The drive works at home, why not here? I asked around and someone mentioned that they had a similar thing happen and that they had to change the drive letter. I had no idea how to do that but thought that probably wasn't it. I went to Target and bought a new flash drive thinking maybe that was the issue. It wasn't. I happened to notice the pop up box (that appears when the drive is first inserted into the port) reveal that the flash drive had the letter "F". I already had that letter assigned to a network drive. I put two and two together and figured that must be the conflict. I gave the drive letter idea a shot. After consulting the "Help" menu I figured out how to change the drive letter and sure enough - it worked! I did it for both flash drives and it is beeeeuuuuutteeeeefulll! I don't take full responsibility for figuring this out since another person had mentioned changing the drive letter. I am going to take credit for figuring out how to do it, though! (ps - dear asswipe IT guy at work = you don't have a fucking clue what you're doing, do you?! Telling me to right click on my current "F" drive and change the name temporarily and then "click this, click that until you get it" - that's a load of bullshit isn't it?! Yeah, I thought so. FYI - I figured it out myself - my woman self figured something technical out all on my own! So there!)

Zen and the Art of Distraction

Teaching a 5 month old how to eat from a spoon requires more zen patience than I could muster from my pinky toe. It really comes down to distracting K from the fact that his food is starting to come from something other than the bottle. Oh, there is hell to pay if he sees that bottle before the spoon has made it's appearance! Yes, hell indeed unleashes itself in our kitchen. I used to laugh (nicely) at parents who would make airplane sounds, clap their hands and any other forms of distraction necessary to sneak the spoon into their child's mouth. Now, I'm looking to them for help! K could really care less about the spoon or anything that comes on it. I think he'd be happy to live on a liquid diet forever. He may at the rate we're going. LOL! Last night was better. I gave K is own spoon and when he'd put it in or near his mouth, I'd "sneak" in some oatmeal. He's getting it, just really slowly. I can see him close his mouth and "chew" the food and then swallow it. He just isn't to sure of this whole thing. There is photographic evidence of my endeavors, but K is anything but pleasant in them. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen a more pissed off infant!

Wrapped Up

Can you believe this cutie has the ability to be such a pain in the ass?! LOL I mean that in the best way possible after only getting 3 hours sleep and being up since 2 am because K wanted to play. I'm not sure how entertaining it is laying in the crib, in a darkened room and blowing raspberries - but it must be a lot of fun. Anyway, the little stinker won my heart over with his big smile and downright cuteness. I think he knows I'm wrapped around his finger. One flash of that smile followed by a giggle and, well, I cave.

My Latest Epiphany....

...courtesy of Mr. Dooneybug Mr. Dooneybug Some people want to have a baby and some want to become parents. I place Mrs D and I in the camp of "want to become parents". But what is the difference? Basically the difference is... Wanting to become a parent means you understand that the desire to become pregnant might be selfish but from that point on you are prepared to sacrifice almost everything to be a good old fashioned parent. Spending time with you children, raising them yourself, making sure they learn what is most important to you. Wanting a baby... from what I have experienced is more about how the baby can benefit you and doing whatever is necessary to make sure the addition of a baby doesn't change your routine. Sometimes I feel that people in the "want to have a baby" group have a baby just because they can and other times it seems because everyone else is having kids maybe they should too. Well said on the wanting a baby vs being a parent. Too bad more people don't realize that there is a difference. Doh! I am guilty on occassion of trying to fit K into my routine as opposed to fitting me around him. I am getting better, but I've got work to do.

Foundation

I was reading a Weight Watchers message board and one of the posters asked if you loved your child since their birth more than your husband. I thought about that for a minute and have to admit that I don't love K more than J. That's not to say that I don't love him, but it's not a matter of who loves who more or less. It's a different kind of love. ******* When I look at J, I see someone who stuck by me when I had no direction in life. He was patient with me as I pulled myself up from rock bottom and harrassed helped me do something with my life. Other than just take up space, I managed to: 1. Get a good job and have managed to keep it for 3 1/2 years (and counting) and been promoted to working directly with the President/Vice President. 2. I've also completed my BA degree and graduated Magna Cum Laude. 3. I started Weight Watchers in October 2003 and by June 2004 I had lost almost 40 pounds and J supported me all the way. I could go on and on about how much I love J for all the things that he's helped me through. Hell, I love him for just sticking around during a really rough patch I got myself into. There aren't a lot of people who would/did. Even my mother kept her distance. Without his harrassment him, I'd be living in some run down studio apartment working 50-60 hours at some telemarketing company and going nowhere fast. ******* My love for K is based on the fact that it took some time for him to be conceived and that feeling of "hopelessness" that we'd never have a child of our own, well, I'll never forget that. I love him simply for being born to us. Now when I look at K, I see someone who is helpless to feed himself, cloth/bathe himself - generally someone who can't take care of himself at all. K needs direction on how to learn, examples of how to behave. He needs both J and I to be together and united. The only way J and I can be united is to love each other more than anything else and take care of our relationship. That is the best way K can learn and grow up not needing too much therapy. LOL Another poster wrote in reply: My parents actually made it quite clear that we were second to their love/relationship - because without their foundation, the rest wouldn't work. I couldn't agree more. I don't know that J and I will be blunt about our relationship being priority, but we'll let our child/children know that we have to take care of our Daddy/Mommy relationship so that we can also take care of them. ******* This really strikes home today because last night J and I were talking and J said 1/2 jokingly 1/2 seriously that he misses his "pre-baby wife, S". Mainly because I'm touchier/anxious, have less humor, tired more often. I have to admit that I miss the pre-baby me too. I miss my pre-baby size 8 body, wearing my hair down (instead of up to help avoid K's grab and tug), running, there are a lot of things. I really miss just being able to joke around with J and laugh really loud when he tickles my leg or tells a good joke. I'm going to have to make more of an effort in my marriage to J. He knows I love him and I know he loves me - even though we're caught up trying to be good parents to K. This HAS to be done, for our sake as well as K's.

9-11

Go Huskers!

These three things sound the same when you can't see what your 4.5 month old (who is strapped in his rear facing car seat)is doing in the back seat while driving him to daycare: 1. Blowing Raspberries (his new found ability to look adorable while basically spitting on you) 2. Sneezing 3. Spitting Up his "breakfast of champions" formula Guess which one he was doing? If you guessed #3, then you are RIGHT! Yes, when I opened the door to get him out of the car he was mostly covered in spit-up. The bib I *thankfully* remembered to put on him contained most of it, but even still.....Not the most appealing way to start the morning. I mean really, how happy would you be if you spit up what you just ate on the way to work?! I guess the only creatures who don't care are birds feeding their little ones. That's okay. They're cute. So is my son, but damn why does he have to be so messy! LOL! BTW, yes I know young children are messy. Let me have my moment, will you?! UPDATE K doesn't have an ear infection (thank goodness) and is most likely starting the teething process. DR A didn't see anything in his mouth yet, but he ok'd using the Hyland's tablets and infant tylenol if he gets too fussy. The more I think about it, I wonder if he was clingy/fussy because of the immunization shots he had last week. It's possible he just didn't feel like himself because of residule effects from them. I know I'm not a happy camper after I get a shot, so I can certainly understand how he's feeling.

Teething ?!

Well, we think K may be teething. There was a tiny white "dot" on his bottom gums and after checking with parents, that "dot" seems to be a soon to be tooth. :) We've also noticed him rubbing his left ear and being pretty damn crabby over the past few days - all symptoms of teething. I'm very excited for K and yet my heart aches to see him so unhappy and feeling bad. We had a moment just before bath time where he was only in his diaper and I was in a tank top and we just held onto each other. K buried his face into my neck and wimpered a little. Ugh! I can't even begin to describe how that broke my heart. At least we know now why he's been so "out of sorts" / crabby. (I'm hoping he is indeed teething. The only other thing would be an ear infection and I don't want to go there right now.)

361 Days Ago

One Year Ago (ok, almost a year ago. But it's pretty damn close) - Now - I know he's "technically" still considered an infant, but to me K is becoming a little boy. I'm so excited to see all the things he's learning.

It Begins...

K started rolling over this weekend. He's done it a couple times before, but they were more "accidental". LOL!

Steppin' Out!

A little shopping with K today.

Ugh

I feel like a terrible person right now. Some backstory: K is 4 months old and various things have come up with him from a couple colds to the latest, thrush. The Pediatrican, Dr. V, was great. Perhaps on the conservative side of treatment style, but good none the less. HOWEVER, the other DR's that work in the clinic w/Dr V. are idiots! If Dr. V was out of the office and we had to call to get advice on how to help K get through a cold or what to do to help w/his spit up, etc we'd get one of the other 3 doctors. Well, it usually ended up with their advice being different from Dr. V. Not just a little different, but COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! The latest example of this difference is with treating K's thrush. First, we gave him nystatin (didn't do a damn thing & was suggested by a different doctor). Then, we tried gentian violet (was suggested by DR. V). So on the third try because the thrush wasn't going away, we called in and got a different DR and they said to take the nystatin again and "wait for it to run it's course - it could take 6 more weeks." SIX MORE WEEKS?! I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO! If you had an illness, would you wait it out for 6 more weeks, especially after you had it for 2 weeks already?! So I take K to a different Dr and request a transfer of records to this new Dr. because he's closer and seems good. I specifically ask if the other DR's that share his clinic have similar treatment styles and he says yes and we talk about a few other things as well. Today, DR V calls personally asking about what happened and why we were transfering records, etc. I felt soooo bad! We liked/do like Dr V., but just couldn't take the other Dr's and the varying opinions on treatment. We also found out that Dr. V would have prescribed SOMETHING TOTALLY DIFFERENT than what the other Dr. did and wouldn't have made K "wait it out for another 6 weeks." I feel like Dr. V was on our side and by changing DR's I've just screwed things up. At the same time, I can't handle the other Dr's in his clinic anymore. J did get to talk to DR. V about it all, and Dr V. said it's okay to try other DR's and if things aren't what we expect them to be, we are more than welcome to come back to his office. Ug, I hope I didn't screw things up. I wish Dr. V practiced at a different office. We'd stay with him then.

Surreal Reassurance

I was holding K the other day and I could feel his heartbeat. I'm sure I've felt it before and it doesn't take more than a little whine from him to reassure me that he's alive and kicking. LOL. But this time, I conciously realized that I could feel his heart beating against my palm and it was incredible. Incredible and surreal. I wish I could describe it better. The only things that went through my mind were one or two word fragments: cool surreal love awe holy shit! I remember looking down at him playing with his alphabet links and just being awestruck. A year ago, K's heart was just beginning to be developed and now here it is beating away while he hurls a black and white "A" link across the floor. Even now, when I think about it, all I can do is stop typing, sit still and remember. Nothing like having a child to make you appreciate something as simple (and yet so complex) as feeling a heart beat. ***This post led me to think about how much crap J, K and I have gone through over the past year. J and I have talked about our frustrations and keep reassuring each other. J mentioned that when he lived in Denver he'd go to the top of Mount Evans and just look out over everything. He'd get a real appreciation for things and be able to put things in perspecive. I realized that my "thing" to help put things in perspective is feeling K's heart beat. As I've been typing, I've calmed down and feel a bit more reassured (even if it is only a little bit). Since there are absolutely no mountains in Nebraska, maybe this could be J's thing as well. Am I being cheesy? Perhaps. But I'll take whatever we can get to keep us from going bonkers.

Thursday Thirteen

This morning I was thinking about how this has been the year of the medical expenses for our family. That led me to thinking about the Chinese calendar and how each year is named for a certain animal / characteristic. Somehow, and I’m not sure how, I put the two together and started thinking what characterized each year and what would I name them. This takes me to this week’s Thursday Thirteen: Year of . . . 2006 – Medical Expenses Anyone whose been reading my blog for a little while will see this replayed more often than I care to count! 2005 – College Graduation/Job Hunt Just what it says 2004 – Weight Loss I signed up in October 2003 with Weight Watchers because I had not only held onto the Freshman Fifteen from college, but also those extra pounds since getting married. I lost the most during 2004, reached my weight goal and kept it off until I got pregnant. I went from 156 to 124 – and I don’t mind sharing that! 2003 – Job Switch Both J and I switched jobs this year. 2002 – Wedding J and I tied the knot! I never in my life thought it would happen. 2001 – Pull My Head Out of My Ass You could say I was “mentally challenged” in the years that proceeded 2001 (keep reading to find out why). This was the year I decided to do something about it! 2000 – Trouble With the Law Yup, I fucked up and got caught. It was good though because it made me realize that I was heading down the same path as a relative of mine. I had no desire to be anything like her, so spending a night in jail was my epiphany. 1999 – Break-up/Back Together J and I had some bumps this year. As you can tell we kissed and made up by the time we got married. 1998 – Moved to City from College Town This was the biggest move I ever made. I was so accustomed to the “ho-hum” life of College Town that when I got offered a job and could relocate – I jumped at the chance. It was the first time that I really moved away from my mother, too. Meaning, more than 5 miles. 1997 – First Cool Apartment of My Own College Town had some decent areas and I managed to score a very cool apartment in one of them. It was an old hotel that had been converted to studio apartments. What was nice was that they actually worked out to be 1 bedrooms instead of studios. It was also next to Hazel Abel Park, which was Tim Burton creepy in the winter when the days were short and there was a lot of snow on the ground. It gives you an idea of the “historic” area, which I adored then and still do! 1996 – Apartment With Roommate Amy You hear funny stories about how roommates leave socks or something on the door handle to let the other roommate know that they have “company”. Well, this was the first time I experienced it first hand. I had to sit outside the apartment door and wait for them to finish. It sucked. It also made me realize that I needed my own place! LOL 1995 – The Big “Piss Off” to My Mother and Many Others – Hello Again “J”! I decided to do things for myself and BE MYSELF. See 1994 for explanation. I met up with J again (after on and off dating over the past 3 years). 1994 – Do As Others Expect Me To When I finished high school, I didn’t know that I wanted to go to college. I took a couple years off and just worked. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, so I managed to allow myself to be led by what other people thought I should be doing. This included me starting college, going to church with my mother, having the majority of my friends come from said church, doing whatever church friends were doing – generally just going along blindly and not giving a shit about much of anything. Get the Thursday Thirteen code here! The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted! View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Mommy - 1 / K - 173

So this morning K woke up to "eat" (inhale from the bottle) and when he was done he was in no mood to go back to sleep. So instead I put him in his exersaucer and set him outside the bathroom door while I got ready for work. He enjoyed grabbing the giraffe rattle and banging against "whatever toy got in the way". We had safely made it through the 20 minutes it takes me to get ready without any howls of frustration when I made my way around the corner and into the kitchen to get some breakfast. K was still able to see me (and I him) so we were still good. As I was getting things ready, I noticed that K had gotten quiet and was just staring in the general area around me/the kitchen floor/rug by the pantry. I thought to myself that he is ready to be out of the exersaucer. He's on the verge of having enough and ready to start fussing. I wondered if I was right with my assumption and thought I'd leave him in it, to see if I had indeed "figured him out". About 1 1/2 minutes passed and he looked up at me, bounced up in the chair and began his tirade. LOL! I knew it! HA! I felt like a true mom who knows her son! Even if it was only this one time, it was awesome! Score 1 for Mommy!

Who Loves Their Exersaucer!

Again...

J is hurt again. He did something to his neck/shoulders and is now in more pain. I have no idea what to do or what to say. All I do know is that I can't take much more of this! K has thrush, J is hurt - wtf?! Does life want me to taking a flying leap of a bridge because when the shit hits the fan over and over and over (and over and over and over and over and over and over) I get the feeling that it does. How many times have we had to go through this so far this year?! I don't even want to count it up because it'll depress me more. Um, excuse me LIFE - would you mind cutting us a fucking break?! Not next week or next year. Right fucking NOW!

Thursday Thirteen

After visiting Poopy Digs blog today I thought I'd join in on the Thursday Thirteens. This is my first, so here's hoping it doesn't sound assine. Thirteen Things about MOI 1. I love being able to take a post that had been posted and turn it into a draft so that it won't show up on the blog. 2. I'm hoping the "third times a charm" holds true for K. He now has thrush and this makes the 3rd "illness" he's had in 2 1/2 months. 3. Dear daycare provider, I stayed a few minutes extra because you left K on the couch to go make him a bottle and I didn't feel comfortable with that. 4. J's birthday is coming up and I'm not sure what to get him. 5. I hope the part-time rep shows up every day next week. 6. I didn't do well on my post-partum "diet" these past 2 days so I'm starting again. 7. I miss the chocolate that I had these past 2 days. 8. I'm grateful that K has slept through the night for the past 2 nights. 9. I still wake up 2x/night and check on K. I don't mind because I can hear him breathing and that reassures me. 10. I hope daycare provider isn't giving me a line of bullshit by telling me that K is a good baby. I really hope he is. 11. I hope J's back gets better and stays better. 12. I need a cool logo for the Thursday Thirteen. 13. Why is it Thursday Thirteen? Why not two, twelve or twenty. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. Bloggin' Outloud 2. My Two Cents 3. Tinkerbell 4. Knitting Maniac 5. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!) Get the Thursday Thirteen code here! The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted! View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Coincidence?

I initially had posted this and then took it down. I started thinking that if I censored myself on my own blog, well what would be the point of even having the blog in the first place?! I started this damn thing so that I could say what I wanted, when I wanted and not have to worry whether or not someone would approve. So now, this post is back up and I'm not taking it down. I can't explain this, but I just have to get it out there! When K got his first cold, it was after B (my mom) came to visit. Then, he got his second cold after B came to K's baptism and visited long into the afternoon. NOW - it looks like K may have thrush, and B visited us last weekend! What the fucking hell?! Why is it after each of B's visits, something goes wonky with K?! Is she some bizarre carrier of name-the-illness? Maybe it's daycare, but I don't know. Things seem to come up only after B visits. If it was daycare, he'd be sick all of the time because he goes there everyday. I'm just trying to wrap my head around this because frankly both J and I are getting tired of taking K into the DR. It's like he catches something and has it for 3 weeks, gets better for 1 week and then catches something else! BTW,I know that young children, especially infants, catch all sorts of things because their immune system is building itself up, but good fucking christ!!! Can't we catch a break with this stuff! I don't think we've had one month go by without one of us in this family being sick or hurt. Ugh. Perhaps this post comes off as harsh against B. In my defense, I know B much better than you do. I also know B's hygiene practices - or lack thereof. This is the same B who wanted to go shopping w/me last winter while having double pneomonia. Should I mention that I was still pregnant then and if I had caught it there may have been problems for me during the rest of my pregnancy?! This is the same B who when I came home from the hospital w/K wanted to hold him, which was fine. Then B proceeded to cough all over him - supposedly asthma related but even still - asthma or not there are still germs coming out of your mouth! And need I mention that this is the same B that we have to constantly shove hand sanitizer in front of before she handles K. I guess the numerous bottles of it set out all over the house aren't OBVIOUS ENOUGH. I also know B doesn't wash her hands. At all. So yes, this post is harsh towards B. When B starts having to take time off of work, be up with K 3x/night, take K to the DR, pay his DR bills - then, and ONLY THEN, will I even think about recanting this post.

Here I go

I'm sitting here devouring popcorn and browsing through some blogs that I had bookmarked the other day. The first one TKO caught my interest because they had indicated that we lived in the same state. I kept reading because I was interested in her story and all that she's gone through. (Check it out if you want to know more) While I was going through TKO, I read post #228 about "How to Blog" and followed the link, much like following the rabit down the hole, and discovered .Tony Pierce. I read the post offering some tips to make blogging more interesting and thought mine could use that. So, anyway, here I am. And here I go. Work calls

K is growing up!

As promised, the pic of K holding his own bottle.

Today I Want to be Mommy

I am so not focused on getting any work done. I keep looking at pictures of K on my desk and would really love to be home with him. Sure, I'd be covered in spit up and drool and trying to work through his fussy bouts, but today I don't think I'd mind. K was really funny this morning when we were feeding him. He decided that he was going to hold his own bottle! It was cute and we have some pics that I'll post later. He did okay for having to hold something (the bottle) that was awkward and much bigger than the rattles/links he's used to. It wouldn't be any fun, either, if the bottle didn't go flying out of his hands a few times! LOL. He's also laughing more. I've found a few tickle spots that I try and use to my advantage if he's getting fussy. Sometimes it works, other times I piss him off more. Ah, the joys of parenthood! It's all hit or miss. I was also "taken" this morning. K was in his crib and he started crying, but it was different than before. It was more of a fussy/I'm lonely/need attention cry. I can't explain how I could tell the difference - it was just, well, different. Instead of the usual long wail/scream it had more short bursts and was then quieter inbetween. Anyway, I knew I was in for it when I went into K's room and looked over the crib and he saw me and then giggled! Yes, he giggled at me like "I got you!" I just shook my head. Yes, you did little man. Yes, you did. We then proceeded to play for 10 minutes as I switched him out of his PJ's and into his day clothes. I am so glad that he's more interactive now. That has really helped us bond even more. Of course, now instead of going batty from little sleep, we're spending our time trying to figure out how to amuse a 4 month old. (and go batty from little sleep - see post below)

Ok, Fine Then! (Dear Son, Part 2)

Stay awake all night long! It's okay. We don't mind one bit. Signed - Your Parents.

Dear Son

Please sleep through the night again. You were doing really well for 2 weeks in a row! Love, Your Parents.

Blowing the Bell Curve

"To the whole world you might be just one person, but to one person you might just be the whole world." Joseph Campbell This was emailed to me in one of those monthly baby "deals" from various companies. There suggestion was to write about how it feels to be a mother with a baby this age (3 1/2 months). You are literally your baby's whole world. Write about how it feels to be someone else's whole world, as well as how it feels to have someone else be your whole world. I can sum it up in one word - overwhelming. Ok, I'll get serious. I can't fathom what K must think of me. If I could peek into his brain, I'd probably see that he thinks I'm an emotional, stressed, kind of fun at times woman who changes my diaper and forces me to lay on my tummy until I get red faced and cry. I can't imagine being anyone's whole world. I can't imagine mattering that much to someone else. Sure the 3 of us mean a lot to each other, but, I don't know...I never have felt that important to anyone. Not to the point where I'm their whole world and they're entirely dependent on me. This is new territory for me. Again, blowing the bell curve.

The Laugh!

We got this on video last week. I could watch it all day long! It may be a bit grainy and dark because we grabbed our digital camera to record it and didn't change any settings. You have to be quick with little ones - moments like these pass VERY quickly.

Not Alone

I love reading the momma blogs! It's so nice to know that I'm not the only one going through this (which I already know but it doesn't sink in). I can laugh at some of them because I've been there a few dozen times in the 3 1/2 months. I wish I could be as funny as they are. It seems to make the situation easier to get through when you have a sense of humor about it. I'll get there, eventually. Right now I'm just worried about K's cold. He *seems* to be getting better, but everytime I think that he'll have a huge cough and I just cringe because I can only imagine how that must feel for him. I hate that my boy has a cold. I hate that the DR says we have to "let it run it's course." It seems so unfair to K. I think I'll tell the DR that and see what he says. (yes I know that they don't want to give young infants too much as far as medicines because it can affect what they can take later on - but still!) So, I'll focus on the good stuff K has been doing. Yesterday, he managed to "sit up" for about 7 seconds. Not straight, kind of hunched over and leaning to the left, but he was on his own and it was cool! He gets this look on his face when we get excited for him. It's like, "what the hell am I doing and why are you looking at me that (crazy mom/dad) way?" We can't help it, although maybe we should tone it down a bit. K rolled from his belly to his back about a week ago purely by accident. He didn't know what he was doing nor was he trying to do it. Oh the ruckus we made when we saw that! Poor K - his eyes got really big and he looked stunned. We had a good laugh, K shit his pants (literally, LOL). I could go on and on but there is work to do. I'll have to pick 1 or 2 things out and write them up as we go. That way my posts won't be so long. Besides, I love thinking about K. Even at his worst (screaming at 3 am because he doesn't want to sleep anymore and I'm pacing the hallway hell bent w/a pacifier) I love the little guy.

14 Weeks

I was 14 weeks pregnant the last week of October 2005. We had a DR appt and got to hear the heartbeat again and took the triple screen test which came out fine. I remember being so nervous about those results. I was faced with potentially having to make a gut renching decision should the results come back with a high risk. I remember that time. It was the first time that I felt "attached" to K. Sure I knew I was pregnant, etc but it all felt surreal even after hearing the heartbeat. Perhaps that's because it had taken so long to actually get pregnant. When I was faced with potential concerns for K's health and development before he really got going, it-I can't even explain the feelings. It made me sad to think that there could be problems, much less how we'd deal with them. Thankfully, the test came back fine. ******************************* Now, K is 14 weeks old and he's battling his 2nd cold. I feel so bad for him because there's not much we can do. We keep suctioning out his nose, elevating the head of his crib - poor guy sounds terrible. I feel so inept because no matter what we've done so far, it's not getting any better. I hate to see my guy sick. I just want to cuddle with him. I want to get a mini tv and rocker and sit in his room and just hang out with him. There've been times when I've wondered what being a mom is supposed to feel like. I think this is it. I admit that I didn't have that "hollywood romantic" feeling of immediate joy after his birth and with the challenges that came up shortly thereafter (jer's back going out/more medical bills/going back to work) it made it difficult to just get through the day. Now, though, it's falling into place. I realize that I'm not one to be uber "gushy" with anyone or anything and that's okay. It doesn't mean that I don't care. I see it as special. The way I feel towards J and K means a lot to me and I want to keep it precious and meaningful. I do that by not spilling out every emotion I have for them. I'm learning, slowly. Although I'm probably blowing the bell curve! LOL

New Territory (Angels Bowling/God Takes Pictures)

It stormed pretty badly overnight, which woke me up briefly. Usually I can go back to sleep with no problem. Then I heard K rustling around and thought maybe the thunder woke him up. I went to check on him and he was fast asleep. I've heard that storms can scare little kids and wondered what I'd say to him if he got scared during a storm when he was older. I don't remember where I read this, but someone mentioned that they tell their child that the angels are bowling (thunder). That sounds good but what about the lightning? In my morning stupor, watching the storm unfurl itself outside the patio door, I thought "god is taking pictures (lightning)". That would probably work too. I can totally see myself saying that to him. I hope it works. Is this what it means to be a mom? Trying to anticipate what might frighten K and figure out what will (hopefully) calm him down? This is new territory for me.

K's Big Smile

Pure luck allowed me to get this picture.

Different Than I Expected

Being a parent is hard. I knew going into this that it would be a lot of work - diapers/cleaning/spit-up/daycare, etc. What I didn't anticipate is working to be a different type of parent than what I grew up with. I'm not going to go into that, but I want to be one of those parents who don't argue in front of their kids. Sure, that may happen now and then, but it bothers J and I when we do it. We want to raise our child as a unified front. J is so much better at putting on a poker face than I am. Plus, he can "laugh" his way through tough times. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and get flustered during hard situations. I've quite a long way to go to be the parent I want to be. I've also realized how little time I have to myself. If I'm not taking care of K, I'm cleaning up. I pride myself on having a home that is presentable for company at any time of the day or night. It's an esteem builder for me. Who knows what kind of "wreck" I'll be when K gets bigger and has more toys. My emotions have been all over the place and what I've been trying to focus on is just being grateful for what we have and where we are at in our lives. I get caught up in other people's lives/accomplishments sometimes and forget that J, I and K are doing well. We're mostly healthy (J's back is getting better slowly), J and I have good jobs, a good home (even if it is an apartment) and decent family members. I owe my sanity to J. He serves as my grouding force and without him - who knows where I'd be. Probably with one foot off a bridge. Seriously, that's how I've felt over the past week. Most of it is just adjusting to parenthood while trying to be a good wife as well as dealing w/work. I don't think I'm depressed. No, I don't think that is it because I am happy overall. I think I just get caught up in "keeping up with the Jones'" and forget to enjoy my life, which isn't bad at all. Anyway, some days are better than others, but I'm getting there. Slowly, I'll figure out how to be a mommy. A mommy that I want to be.

You Are 50% Evil You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side. Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination. How Evil Are You?

What We Have Learned (So Far)

There's so much that I didn't anticipate in regards to having a baby/being a parent. POOP One of the more humourous things is that poop has meaning! LOL! I figured that I'd see poopy diapers and that they may be different colors, etc. I NEVER thought I'd be paying attention to how many poops K had each day as well as the color and consistency - all of this to determine what's going on inside him and his body! I used to be disgusted by even thinking about poop/diapers. Now, not so much. That's not to say that I'd like to stare at it all day long for the rest of my life, but since it "means something" I have an entirely different perspective. (Much like the mashed potato mountain Richard Dryfuss made in Close Encounters). NO SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS I have no idea when this happened. We got up last weekend and thought it'd be fun to watch some cartoons with K since he's starting to be able to follow bold colors, etc. After flipping through who-knows-how-many-channels, we found ABSOLUTELY NO CARTOONS. Not a damn thing! I was totally bummed. I can remember when I was a child I'd get up at 5:30am and put together my blanket "fort" and get my cereal/munchies ready (all this while the farm report was on). Then at 6 am came the cartoons! Tom & Jerry, Bugs Bunny, Scooby Doo, Captain Caveman - hours and hours of cartoons. Now, there's informercials and news. No wonder kids are rolling out of bed, into their reclining chairs with xbox controller in hand. There's nothing to fucking watch! IF BABY IS HAPPY, PARENTS ARE HAPPY I don't think I need to explain it any clearer. MAMA LOOK/VOICE K was hating his bath (as usual) last night and towards the end he was screaming his head off and turning beat red. We go through this every night (bath/bottle/bed) and I keep reassuring him in a calm, cute-mama tone. Finally I had had enough (not in a "I'm losing my patience" sort of way, but really the screaming was quite over the top) and abandoned the cute mama voice for a deeper tone and reassured him that he was okay and to calm down. I must've had a mama look to go along with it, because it worked! K cried a couple more times, but I followed it up with the deeper tone of voice and he calmed down. **We'll see how well this goes and if I do indeed have a mama look after tonight's bath. TAKING A TEMPERATURE I have become very skilled at taking a rectal temperature. I don't know that this deserves a badge of honor as I don't enjoy doing it. However, before each time we make a call to the Ped's office we have to do this - in case they ask (and they ALWAYS ask). PUNK BAND MAKES KIDS ALBUMS NOW I was browsing for Clifford the Big Red Dog (K's "favorite" right now - mainly because he's big and red) DVD's and ran across They Might Be Giants. I was taken back to my punk days when TMBG served as my soundtrack while I walked/cycled to the university for classes. Now, they make kids music. Who would've thought! Of course, who would've thought I'd be married and have a child! LOL CAR SEATS MAKE GOOD BEDS Especially when K was sick. Now, he loves it. Won't sleep anywhere else for more than an hour. TRANSITIONING FROM CAR SEAT TO CRIB IS GOING TO BE CHALLENGING See above. BABY MILESTONES They're beginning. K rolled over from his belly to his back yesterday. Of course he was only able to do it once, but that's how things begin. J and I were (of course) ecstatic and probably made more to do about it than other people would. We don't care. It's cool to see how K is growing and doing more things. He "found" his hands over the past 2 weeks and they are in his mouth all the time. Practically everything goes straight to his mouth at this point. He is also holding his head steady and able to raise it up (from tummy position) for about 5-10 seconds. K is still learning to look around while his head is up. If it takes too much work, though, he just puts his head down and mushes his face into the blanket he's laying on (to avoid carpet rash). Now is when we can really start interacting with him. He's starting to recognize us and smile/laugh at certain things. Now is the fun part. I'm excited to start feeding him on rice cereal after our appt with the Ped next month. It will be messy, but totally fun! BABIES + NEW TASTE = BEWILDERED/FUNNY FACE When we gave K some infant tylenol before his shots last month, he made quite the face. Consider that K hasn't had anything but formula/breastmilk since he was born and then introduce grape flavored liquid medicine. He got this look of "what the hell?!" when I squirted the tylenol in there and it made me laugh. I wish I could've gotten a picture of it. ************************************************************ I think that covers things up to this point. Sure, there are other things, but I think I've mentioned them already and since this post has become quite lengthy I will leave it at that. There will definitely be more to come.

K Update - 3 Months

So now that I'm not quite so hormonal with AF, I can take my mother with a grain of salt. It's so much easier to do that when your body isn't going nutso! K is doing well. He's starting to get really alert and now has this thing where he wants/HAS TO BE in the action. He will fuss and cry if you place him on his playmat or swing, so we had to get a front carrier for him. He digs that! We wander around together while I clean up, do laundry, etc. He loves just being able to look around. It's amazing how much he's grown. Already in 6 month clothes because he's getting so long. As of our last DR appt at 2 months, he had grown 3 inches since he was born! I don't know what the average is, but that's pretty impressive. I'm anxious for our next appt in August. We get to start to teach him the fine art of eating rice cereal with a spoon. I can only imagine how "interesting" that's going to be.

Soggy Fishsticks and Warm Jello

I didn't want to start taking BCP's again. AF showed on her own last week and it was actually a nice sign because it meant my body was getting back to normal **on it's own**! The main reason I started them is because we're in no hurry to have #2. We'd both like to have a chance to figure this parenting thing out before we even think about trying again. In a way, I'm disappointed that there aren't other ways to avoid pregnancy while still letting my body act natually. I'm also worried about what will happen when/if we try for #2 - will I have as many problems as I did the first time? Another Blah is that my mother really sucks. I'd like to have a decent relationship with her like most people have, but it isn't going to happen. When she's come over to visit K, she's made the following comments: 1. "If they don't treat you right, you just let grandma know. I'll take care of it." 2. (K is crying - like babies do now and then) "Did Mommy pinch you? Huh, did she pinch you and make you cry?" I'm sitting here trying to figure out exactly how to express my attitude about her and her belittling comments. Aggitated? Sure Hurt? You Bet Confused as all hell as to why MY OWN MOTHER would say these things? Oh Hell Yeah! What takes the cake is that she's no saint! Fuck, I was raised in foster care for a while because she was in jail! How can she have the audaucity to say anything about my or J's parenting?! I could go on and on, but that's a lot of baggage I don't feel like thinking about. It's enough that I'm left with thinking about her at all. Add insult to injury - she doesn't say one bad thing to/about J. It's always me. I'm the "bad" mommy. Not that I want J to receive any of her bullshit, but what the fuck does she have against me? I haven't done anything to her. If anything I've managed to stay out of her hair since I graduated high school so that she could live her life and not have to deal with me. Deal with me, that is how she's come across in regards to being my mom. I admit I'm not perfect and went through the teenage years hellbent on something, although I had no real direction/mind to figure out what that something was. That being said, I didn't cause her THAT much grief during those years. There are certainly more things that could've come up. In comparison to some, I was pretty tame. I think the worst thing I did was steal a CD from a store (of which I was caught and had to work through all of that). I did decide that the next time she sees K, if she makes any comments that belittle me/J/K, I will promptly put my fingers over K's ears and make the "lalalalalala, we don't want to hear the mean things grandma is saying about Mommy." sound to drown her out. Hopefully that will get my point across. If not, then I'll have to be a bitch and call her out. She wants to make mean comments about me and question my parenting, well I'll just have to remind her what I went through growing up with her as my mom. It was never peaches and creme - no, more like soggy fishsticks and warm jello.

Missing K

I really miss K today. If I could've stayed home with him and just played that would've been great! He's becoming more alert and playful which is so much fun to watch. It's amazing to compare how he is now versus just 1 1/2 months ago. I love seeing his smile and his little laughs. Well, the laughs sound more like a sigh and chuckle at the same time, but I don't care. It's cute. I found some pictures of him from May when he just started to smile. There aren't many of him facing the camera and smiling so these are treasures. He has a tendency to just stare at the camera like "what the hell are you doing?" when we try to catch him smiling. Oh I miss him so much today. I'll be counting down the hours until the work day is done. I think I may skip my workout tonight to just hang out with him. Maybe instead of running we'll go outside and walk. Depends on how hot it is. I'd like to go walk with him. We haven't done that in a while.

Here We Go Again

On a unsuspecting trip to the restroom, AF decided to surprise me! All at once I was excited (my body was getting back to itself) and apprehensive. Here we go again is running through my head. I'm going to start bcp on Sunday because we're in no hurry to have #2 quite yet. I just wonder what will happen when we try for #2 - will my body be as stubborn as it was trying for #1 or will things be smoother? Who knows.

Happy July 4th (a little late)

K is doing much better now that he's getting over his cold. I'm thankful that's all it was, but we still worried like mad. That little man has us wrapped around his fingers LOL! We went to visit grandma and grandpa (J's parents) and it was our first trip with him that wasn't a grocery store or to/from daycare. He didn't pretty well all day, but the night was rough. K is starting to get a routine of a bath, bottle/book and then bed and we didn't do that since we had to drive home Tuesday night. That messed him up and he got overtired and cranky. I think J and I got 3 hours of sleep that night. Somehow, we managed to get through the day. He did sleep through the night last night, though, which was a blessing. :) He's starting to do that a little more now, maybe once or twice a week. Of course, he's been sleeping in his car seat (due to the cold) so that may change when he goes back into his crib. I'm hoping that he'll get used to being in it again. His baptism is this weekend. It's weird to think that it'll be my child up there getting drizzled (lol) and probably screaming at the top of his lungs. I hope I can put on a good face and not look panicked if he does start getting antsy! I'm trying to perfect that "just taking it in stride" look that I've seen well-seasoned moms have. Right now, well, I've no idea if I'm coming close. So, here he is on the 4th, which also marks his 10 week old "birthday". I'm so excited to be able to interact with him more. I also am a sucker for his smile. We're still trying to get one where he's looking at the camera but for now a side one will have to do.

I'm Married Again!

LOL! 2 1/2 months post-partum - my wedding rings fit again! I've missed them sooooooo much!

My Little Trooper!

K has his first cold. Thankfully that's all it is and not croup or anything worse. We made a trip to the DR yesterday to make sure, since I've no idea what to do w/an infant battling a cold. DR was pleased that we were suctioning out his nose and running a humidifier in his room. We just have to wait it out now. He's such a trooper because even though he has a rough sounding cough and stuffy nose, he's pretty much all smiles. It cracks me up. Sure he's fussy when he's coughing, but once he gets that out of his system his eyes open big and he starts looking around and smiling - as if he wasn't sick at all. I am grateful because I'm sure it could be worse. There's been no fever and K has been eating well. It still sucks to see him not feeling 100% well. Hopefully it will pass soon. This has made me realize that I'm a mom and not just a "care giver". Of course I knew that before, but it's really sunk in now that I have to pay attention to the color of his boogers as well as take his temperature by sticking a thermometer up his butt. I'm chuckling just thinking about this. Never did I imagine doing this type of stuff. The stuff only a mom would do and not be grossed out by. :) Well, maybe a little bit. Mucous and poop can have some really funky/bizarre colors! LOL! And those colors have meaning, believe it or not. I've no idea who determined what each color stands for, but good for them if it helps DR's and nurses figure out what is wrong. Good for them, but maybe not so good for parents who're scratching their heads trying to remember what their child ate that could produce THAT color and smell! Oh, don't get me started on smell....... UPDATE - My Product Plug Thinking of poop color reminded of 2 situations when K had "explosive" poop that went over the changing table and onto the floor in a lovely neon green streak (snark). All parents need this! http://tinyurl.com/gknj3 It will save your carpet, I swear by it! It cleaned the poop stain out of our tan carpet in no time. Should you choose to not invest in that, I would then recommend this: http://www.dickblick.com/zz049/79/ Trust me, you'll need it.

Obscure Beatles Song

Which Obscure Yet Great Beatles Song are You? DIG A PONY-- Youre one of a kind, thats for sure! Part diamond in the rough, part acid trip, completely passionate. You dont have all the answers. Youre not even sure of the question half of the time! But what you DO know is pretty mind blowing. Keep on following your own path; itll eventually lead you to where you want to go. Take this quiz! Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code I now must go find this song because I've never heard it!

What to Watch For

As I was feeding K today I happened to be looking at his eyelashes. I've noticed them before, but today it really sunk in how much they've grown. A lot of things grow on a baby, but it's the little things that I've noticed. I remember when we first got him home and I was feeding him. His eyelashes weren't very long at all. Now, well they're incredible! I don't know why it's caught my attention. Maybe because it's one of the things you don't really think about. At least not as much as his body overall. Speaking of things to watch for, we have a picture where K is freshly born and part of him is purpleish as he is beginning to pink up. It's crazy to see, but pretty cool at the same time. J said that seeing him come out and "pink up" is something he'll never forget (*for any pregnant ladies out there, make it a point to watch for this! Open your eyes and watch for it. Tell you DR and nurses you want to see this. It's truly amazing).

To Sleep, Perchance To Dream

Imagine this picture (8 x 11 size) in a black 11x17 frame with a nice matte (maybe white?): Think that will make J melt for Father's Day?! :) I hope so.

This Weekend - One Year Ago

I was organizing CD's! How exciting that must've been! I actually do remember sitting on the floor in our office going through cd's that I had made and writing down the track listings. This year I'll be consumed with J and K. This will be J's first Father's Day and K will be just doing his baby thing. We don't really have any plans for Father's Day. Mainly because J is still recovering. I did get him a card but that's it so far. I'd hoped to come up with some brilliant crafty idea, but it hasn't hit me yet. Or has it.....hmmmmm

Slowly But Surely

Things are getting better. That's not to say life is peaches and creme right now, but it's getting there. J has been able to work 1/2 days which is promising. He still has to take it easy and can't zip around like he used to, but he's able to stand/walk/shower/ride in a car - all the things we truly take for granted until we can't do them anymore. That has elevated my mood like you wouldn't believe. Last night J overdid it a bit which caused him to be sore for most of the night, but he's okay. I can tell he's anxious to get back to doing things like he used to. K is doing fine at daycare. Our latest "bump" has been with pacifiers. We've gone through 3 different brands to no avail. B has one that he loves (Soothie)! I'm not certain if this is the right brand, but tonight I'm going to ask to look at it again to make sure. Then, it's off to the store. It's hard to believe that K is 7 weeks old. I don't think time has passed that quickly ever in my life! It's almost a blur trying to remember the first few weeks home and how much trouble we were having with figuring out how much K needed to eat, when (and where) he would sleep, how we would sleep... I'm just shaking my head at it all. What really seems "odd" to me is that I can tell people what K likes/doesn't like, how much he eats/sleeps, how often he poops and the color (OMG, LOL!), etc. The general care info everyone asks about. Maybe "odd" isn't the word, but I can't think of anything else. It's just the idea that I know so much about another person other than myself. Motherhood is slowly sinking in. Of course, now that I've blogged about it, K is going to totally switch it up and prove me wrong! LOL! For now, I can take a breath. Although things are still up in the air, it's calming down bit by bit. I'll take that any day.

K and His Ceiling Fans

K has a thing for ceiling fans. You can't see the fan in the above pic, but he is just staring at it with all his might. LOL! When he went to daycare yesterday, he did the same thing. B had a good chuckle about it. We haven't figured out why or what it is about ceiling fans, but who cares. It's funny. :)

Said My Peace (History Won't Repeat)

So I've been thinking (while catching up on work) about how I said that parents don't have routines anymore (at least new ones like me), etc, etc. I realized that I'm beginning to act/sound like my mother. No offense to her, she raised me as a single parent when "single parenthood" wasn't en vogue and for that I'm grateful. However, someone pointed out to me that it seemed like I was "in the way" of her living her life as I was growing up. That I didn't fit into her routine. It has struck me that I may be heading down that same path with my own child and that I will not have. I admit that it will take some work on my part. I'm a routine oriented person and live for structure! (you may wonder why I wanted children if that were the case - I guess I like a challenge. LOL) I don't ever want my son (or future children) to feel like they are in my way or cumbersome to me. My history will not repeat itself through my kids! I've said my peace and counted to three.

A Fitting Name

I have realized that being a parent is more work than I anticipated. I knew it was work, but this has taken me by surprise, so to speak. I feel like an extended babysitter (!) more than a mom. I haven't figured out why that is. I love K, but the euphoria that everyone talks about hasn't hit me quite yet. Maybe because euphoria = relaxation and K has been anything but. LOL. He's not a bad/fussy baby-just work. Welcome to Real Parenthood. PSA for future parents: Your "routine" in life (from cleaning the dishes, laundry, going to the store, hopping in the car to get gas, sleeping, choosing which outfit to wear to work) is no more! You have no routine. I knew this too before getting pregnant, however I didn't realize to what extent. When I pick out what to wear in the morning, I have to make sure I have 2-3 other options in case I get spit up on or poo'd on. Routine, no such thing anymore. That takes me to the title of my blog. I totally feel like I'm just crashing through things as I learn how to be a parent. I can only hope that I'm not scarring K for life as I try to figure things out. J went to work today for 1/2 day. He did okay. We can't ask for anything more than that. Progress is slow, but he's getting there. We're hoping he doesn't have to go in for another epidural shot of the anti-inflammatory. His boss has been very understanding throughout this entire time. Thankfully! K went to daycare for the first time today. I hope all is well. B hasn't called saying anything is wrong or asking about anything. I'm grateful for that. Speaking of K: With that, I'm back to work. PS - It's good to have something upbeat to blog about, even if it's somewhat subdued.

When shit goes bonkers in life, I clean and organize like a mad woman. I may not have control over everything, but I do over how my home looks - right down to the Kitchen cabinets. LOL in spite of myself. J is getting better. Still very slowly and he's going to try to go to work tomorrow. I hope he can make it.

Pinhole

I see it, the tiniest pinhole of hope. J is showing progress. He's able to stand up and walk around, although not for very long. Maybe 5 minutes at a time. Now he just has to be able to sit down in a chair. That's what we're hoping for over the next 2 days. He has a desk job, so sitting is pretty much a requirement. The walking/standing he can do with crutches if need be. I'm still hesitant to rest my hopes on anything, yet. I just hope that he'll be able to go back to work this coming Monday. So many things hang in the balance right now - just let the scales tip in our favor.

Pull Up A Chair

to see our entire life unraveling. J = no improvement, going on week 2 of no work which means no money Baby = fine, but I can barely take care of him Me = lucky if I get to brush my hair and teeth every day

PSA - Humor (aka Dear Mother)

When people are going through a really difficult time (see my posts over the past week) and are facing not only physical impairments but also the probability of loosing a job, health insurance, accumulating bills and home all while dealing with being first time parents to a 6 week old baby - JOKES ARE NOT FUNNY! IT'S IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY TO HAVE YOU QUIP ABOUT OUR CONCERNS AND TRY TO MAKE LIGHT OF A VERY SERIOUS SITUATION. SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU ARE NOT FUNNY. AND DON'T TELL ME YOU UNDERSTAND! YOU DON'T! YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS SO QUIT TRYING TO "RELATE" TO WHAT WE'RE GOING THROUGH.

Dissolve

Dissolving "To cause to break down emotionally or psychologically; upset." http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=dissolving Dissolved Girl" by Massive Attack http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/massiveattack/dissolvedgirl.html I feel like everything that was stable around me and my family is now dissolving. So many worries bombard me every morning. I'm doing my best to take care of J through this ordeal as well as Baby but I fear that I'm neglecting them both. I focus on helping J take a shower while Baby has to chill in the crib. I barely get 5 minutes to eat before going to get Baby and spend some time with him. This entire situation is crap. This is no way to begin a new life with Baby. I can't even begin to count how many times I've cried in the bathroom over this. Hell, I'm even crying as I type this. If things don't turn for the better, it may be the end of me. I'm doing what I can to take care of J and Baby as well as keeping our home up (cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping) - somewhere in there I manage time to brush my hair and teeth and switch out of my pajamas. All I keep thinking is that there is no fucking point to this. Nothing to be learned by watching my husband suffer through so much pain, nor feeling guilty because I'm trying to take care of a baby as a new mom and J. What am I supposed to "learn" from this?! That god/karma/fate has a fucked up view on what's okay to dish out to people? Fucked up indeed. There should be a checks and balances system for god/karma/fate similar to what is in place for our government. To make sure that no one person/family gets any more crap tossed at them than anyone else. And, to make sure that people only have to deal with one "event" at a time. No more of this bombarding shitloads of stuff on people all at once. This is probably in vain, but I keep holding out hope that tomorrow (and the next day, and the next, etc) shows some improvement. Why? Who the hell knows. "Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks: I'm not ready to make nice, I'm not ready to back down, I'm still mad as hell And I don't have time To go round and round and round That is how I feel towards whatever "force" seems to think it's okay to fucking rain down this mis-fortune on J. There is no point to it. There is no reason for a decent person to have to go through this much suffering. No reason at all. Save it for the pedifiles and murders, not for those who are doing their best to be decent and responsible people.

Where it goes from here

Yesterday afternoon was nerve-racking and semi-productive. J went to see a neurosurgeon and we were told (thankfully) that he doesn't need surgery. Instead, he was able to receive a epidural/steriod shot in his back which is supposed to relieve the inflamation which will in turn relieve the pain. The herniation of the disk will still be there, but the "madness" that is going on around it and causing all of the pain should be taken care of. Here's to hoping he only needed this one shot. DR said that it can sometimes take 2-3 shots to be effective. J was such a trooper. I really hope that he doesn't have to have any more. I had an epidural during labor, so I understand how freaked out he was and how much it hurts. The difference with his is that he had all of the medicine put in at once whereas with mine the medicine was put in via an IV type bag/device and spread out evenly over time. I have to type this so that I remember. The nurse and the technician at the hospital were great! JK and KM were helpful and really helped J when he couldn't even get out of the wheelchair at first. They showed compassion and did their best to lighten the mood to help J feel a little better, even though they understood J was about to have a needle shot in his back. I am so grateful to them because of that. Also because by the time we got to the hospital (after running to the DR first and then a specialist and then the hospital) J was worn out/in pain and I was all nerves. There was so much adreneline running through us and we hadn't eaten since that morning - it was nice to come in and have them take care of us. I also must thank his parents. They came down early in the day to watch Baby so that we didn't have to take him along to all of these appointments. That was so awesome, I can't even begin to express how grateful I am. We are trying to figure out what to do for them as a thank you. They say that we don't "owe" them anything, but I have to do something. J and I were thinking of mailing them a gas card. They live 45 minutes (50 miles) away so it would definitely be something they could use. It's also moments like this when I realize how lucky I am to be married to J and to have his family like me and consider me one of their own. So many people don't get along with their in-laws and couldn't ask them for help in a pinch. I have been so fortunate. So, that's a brief summary of where things are at. The DR said it could take approx. 2 days for the medicine to get to all the affected areas and for J to feel better. Here's hoping this takes. J is already feeling better, although still sore. He will be for a little while longer, but at least it's not like it was.

The Wholeness of Me

I don't even know where to start... J has a herniated disk in his back. We already knew this. It happened from a car accident he was in during 2000. Problem is now, he can barely move and by barely I mean can't even stand to pee. There are many other things that he's limited by right now. Too many to go into. We have another DR appt today to get a referral to a specialist. Why make him go in? Just tell us over the phone! Better yet, just make the damn appt with the specialist today - lets skip a step and give J a break! I feel terrible because there's not much I can do. I help as much as I can (make lunch, arrange pillows on the floor, etc) but it sucks because none of it resolves the problem. Surgery. That is the next step, I just know it. Timing sucks. I go back to work next week. Whose going to watch out for him during the day?! He'll be off of work for a while so I have to go to my job. We can't go without money. It's been a stretch for us while I've been on maternity leave. There are so many things running through my head right now (actually, both of our heads - we're both worried) I can barely keep myself together. His parents came up this past Tuesday to help us and with Baby. I cried when they asked me how I was. Not a major sobbing session, but the tears flowed for about a minute. I NEVER do that. I admit to wearing my heart on my sleeve, but I am pretty good about having a poker face around others (at least until I can get to a bathroom where there's some privacy). In my twenties (and most of my life, actually) I never cared about anyone or anything other than myself. Sounds stereotypical, but it's true. Now, well, who the hell am I? What am I made up of? I am made up of my husband and my son. J and my son are the only things that matter to me. In this fucked up world, their happiness is all I give a damn about. I'm doing my best to hold it together, but if anything happens I'll most likely end up in a looney bin. I'll loose it in the worst of ways and there won't be a damn thing anyone can do. For the love of all that is holy - keep them happy/healthy/safe. I know that's asking a lot, but considering that there are people out there doing heinous crimes and getting away with it - I dare ask it again - For the love of all that is holy - keep them happy/healthy/safe!

Damn!

I now have "runners knee" which is when the muscles/tendons (you name it) ache and send lots of pain shooting throughout your nerves pretty much anytime you move. Great! I was doing really well with getting back into running. I had started off with a light jog to get my body back into it and now this. It sucks. Not to mention I was really hoping to not have to go buy a new set of clothes to go back to work in. I'm trying to remember that I have a son and I knew that the weight wouldn't just melt off, but I'm trying so hard only to face this set back. I'm already suffering a blow to the ego because every time I look in the mirror I see the "mama tire" belly. What a week this has been, and it's only Monday...

My Plea!

To The Great Omnipotent Power: Fix J's back so that he is no longer in pain/hunched over. He deserves better than this. Please.

Along for the Ride (The Waiting, Part 3)

I'm sitting here organizing coupons/baby stuff while Baby H enjoys his swing. It's moments like this that I don't feel so bad about buying another baby item. We're trying to not get every little thing out there, but the swing is a life saver. All Hail the Cradle Swing! LOL. Anyway, as I was sitting here I heard "The Waiting" by Tom Petty playing on the radio. I was reminded of a previous post where I referenced his song. So much has changed over the past month and a half. Some of it good, some not so much. I could've done with the first 2 weeks being easier. I suppose all first time parents would agree. Waiting for Baby H to be born was challenging, but the first 2 weeks with him here take the cake. Things are getting better. It's a slow process, but I'll take what I can get. Again, the waiting is the hardest part. :) Funny how that fits so many things in life. We had to wait to get pregnant (thank you, Body, for having your own agenda and making me crazy with not knowing what the hell was going on - NOT!),the pregnancy is a 40 week waiting game (40+1 - thank you Baby H for not being in any hurry to be born, LOL) and now waiting and watching him grow. We're just along for the ride...and what a crazy one it's sure to be.

Random Musings on a Tuesday Afternoon

When Baby H gets worked up, his fists ball up - I call them fists of fury. When he's playful (and grumpy), he kicks out his legs - frog legs. So, He's full of fists of fury and frog legs. That just makes me laugh. I wish we could get a picture of it. Maybe someday. I must also express my dear appreciation for the cradle swing that we just got. Baby loves to be rocked and this does the trick. Plus, it goes great right next to the treadmill so I can jog and still keep an eye on him. It's beautiful. The only drawback is that I have to turn it off and wake him up. It's time for him to eat and I don't want him to sleep all day since we're slowly getting into some kind of day/night schedule. Ahhh, he's so cute and relaxed. I hate having to be the mean mom and wake him. There'll be hell to pay, though, if he goes much longer without a diaper change and food. LOL!

So a lot has happened. Well, to me anyway. Baby H is getting better with his sleep schedule. It's not great, but better. I'm knocking on wood that he keeps it up and that he'll sleep for longer stretches of time. :) I'm still overwhelmed. Not as much as before. The past 2 weeks have helped us get into a semi-groove. I'm now starting to feel time going by too fast since I have to go back to work in just over two weeks. I don't mind working, just wish I could've gotten more time off. When I start to dwell on it I wish we lived in Canada. I've read that they are required to have the first year off. I haven't done that much research on it, so I don't know how true it is, but if so - damn that would be nice. I can't think/write about that anymore. That just adds to the overwhelming feeling. Of course, there is also the breastfeeding/formula dilema. For whatever reason, Baby H spits up an insane amount after he has breastmilk. Even with regular milk based formula he spits up. We've got him on Enfamil ProSobee (a soy based formula) and he still spits up, but it's more like drool. I admit that I'm disappointed. I really want to give him the breastmilk, but with all of the spit up - well, I just don't know what to do. For now, I'm pumping it and freezing it. It lasts for quite a while in a deep freezer, so I'm hoping to be able to give it to him eventually. Still, disappointed. What makes me chuckle right now is that instead of grabbing my nice purse when we go out, I now grab a diaper bag and stuff my wallet in one of the already full pockets. I'm sure they make really stylish diaper bags, but from what I've seen you either get practical and decent looking or you get not practical at all and stylish. Speaking of going out, it's pretty nice so we're going for a walk. I totally need it. I dared to try on a suit today (to get ready to go back to work) and was defeated when I saw the size. I didn't balloon up with weight gain during the pregnancy and have lost 35 pounds already, but it's just hanging out around my hips and "mama belly". It's been a struggle to not eat total crap all day out of depression. We'll see how the next 1 1/2 week goes. Maybe there's hope yet.

AHHHH

There is nothing that will prepare you for sleep deprivation, nor the shell of a woman you'll become because of it! Baby is great, but his schedule is all over the place and I'm still trying to figure it out. That's where we're having our bump. I don't think I've checked my email less or spent less time on the pc than this week with him. I feel out of the loop! The thing that frightens me is how to make this lack of sleep/relatively normal schedule work when I go back to work. It seems impossible that Baby will settle into some routine or that I'll get anything more than 30 minutes of restless sleep. Everyone says it will work out. That the first 2 weeks are the hardest. I certainly hope so.

Baby H is Here!

He arrived last Tuesday (4/25/06) at 3:09 pm. He weighed 8 lbs 5 oz and was 21 1/2 inches long. Dad is great, Baby is great, Mom is really freaking tired! More details to come.

Creature of Habit

Per DR, I start leave tomorrow. Add some elevated blood pressure and swelling and it's rest time for me before Baby H arrives. Technically he should have been here yesterday, but we'll give hime the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he knew of the fiasco/bizarro birth of the TomKat baby and didn't want to have anything in common with that! In that case, kudos to you Baby H! 35 minutes to go and I'll be done for just over 6 weeks. I've gotten everything in order here as much as possible. It's a very odd feeling, knowing that I'm going to have quite some time off of work. Even though I'll be back (it's a good job and I like it as well as the people), it just seems like so long. Not that I'm complaining because once baby is here, I'll probably wish I had more time. :) I think it's because of the routine of work. Get up in the morning, get ready, drive to work and get stuff done from 8-5, then go home. I've been told that I won't have much of a routine once baby is here, that I'll be more at his "mercy" than anything else. That could be interesting because I'm a creature of habit. I thrive on routine, LOL! It's just going to be weird. I'll have to live with/adjust to it. It's really starting to sink in that by this time next week, Baby H should be here. If he doesn't make his appearance on his own, next Tuesday DR and nurses will "help" him out(whether he likes it or not - LOL). A year ago I couldn't imagine being at this point. What was I doing a year ago? Still trying to get AF on my own and dealing with all of the trials/tribulations that come with that. How far things have come! Crazy. Just crazy...

Question of the Day - Induction

So I ask a few people about inductions: what they're like, questions to ask my DR, etc. I had no idea I'd start a debate and require a flame suit for some of the responses! I was only asking a question, people! As you may have already guessed, Baby H is not here yet and technically isn't due until tomorrow. Yes, I'm anxious for things to get started, but I'm not going to opt for anything that will harm him. I have a DR appt tomorrow and we'll be talking about inductions because I'll be 40 weeks and it's something that may come up. I want to get as much info as I can, even if I won't need it at all and Baby H comes on his own. Plus, DR would schedule the induction between 41 and 42 weeks. Seems fair to me. Anyone have any input about this stuff, without throwing a 3 year old temper tantrum in my direction? You know, it pisses me off because it's not like I'm considering this at 24 weeks because I don't want to get stretch marks or something superficial like that. Baby is due and it's something that will have to be considered. People need to calm the fuck down. There a larger issues to be concerned about other than whether I choose to be induced and whether that happens at 41 or 42 weeks!

The Waiting, Part 2

So another DR appointment has come and gone - no change/progress since the last appointment last week. In fact, I've been the same for a month. Baby is just not in a hurry to come out. DR did strip the membranes which may or may not help things get going. From what I've been able to research, the jury is still out on that. I figure it can't hurt to help things along, or at least try to anyway. If Baby isn't here by next week, then DR will schedule an induction for the following week. That'll put me 1 week over due, but it will also give Baby one more week to come on his own. I hope things start soon. I know it's going to be painful, a lot of work when Baby gets here, etc, and because of that I'd just like to get on with it! The waiting part makes me nuts.

"Are you in launch mode yet?"

I've been chuckling about this for the past 10 minutes. A male co-worker just asked me this and it was all I could do to not snort out my diet pepsi through my nose! Got to love men! They come up with some doosies sometimes!

Crap Shoot (aka - waiting / catch 22)

"The waiting is the hardest part." - Tom Petty As I sit here and watch Baby squirm around, I am reminded how anxious I am for him to be born. I know it will be painful and I'll probably be a shell of a woman by the time it's over - but I'm just anxious. I really don't care for not knowing when something is going to happen, like when Baby will be born. I mean, it is literally up in the air and I have no say in when things will get started. None at all. I guess that is why it seems like the birth will never get here - because I have no real "time frame" to go by. Sure, I have a due date, but that is tentative as well. It's a crap shoot. This will probably drive me nuts. I also know that when he gets here I'll be responsible for another person besides myself. That is a frightening thought as well. Makes me wonder why in the hell I'm so anxious for Baby to be born! I can't explain it. It's a catch 22. Another crap shoot.

ZZZZ - Huh? What? (Part 2)

Well, DR appt went fine. Typical in and out (check Baby's heartbeat, internal exam, questions?), which is normal for me at this point. Still no change (in dialation/effacement) from last week, which was no different from the week before and the week before that. That is a bit depressing because I'd hoped that there would be some progress. This "no change" business is for the birds.

ZZZZZZZZZ

I'm going to whine here today, so if you don't want to read a pregnant woman's sleep deprived rant - well then go away! Over the past 2 nights I may have managed a total of 8 hours (maybe). Between the infamous time change debacle that we are subjected to twice a year, the rotten egg smell that permeates the apartment building hallways (due to lots of rain, questionable plumbing, and being in the building at the bottom of the hill), and having to get up to pee 4-5 times per night - well, it's no wonder. I've heard comments like "It's an example of what's to come when baby gets here." and I want to slap the mouth those words came from! Sure, they may be true to a certain degree - however the last thing this pregnant lady wants to hear is that 1) there's more of this to come and 2) be "talked down to" like I should already know this and how dare I be upset at getting no sleep. All I really want (besides sleep) is a sympathetic ear. I spent the better portion of last night bawling because I was so frustrated. My only consolation was feeling Baby H moving around. Of course, he was probably worked up because of me. I feel bad for that. Hopefully he doesn't hold any ill-will toward me for it. Fast forward to this morning and it's all I can do to not lose it at work. When I'm tired I get cranky and my emotions are like a neon sign over my head. I'll make it through, I did yesterday. Although I'll have less humor about things. My weekly DR appt is in a few hours. Maybe she'll give me good news, although the only good news would be that it's time for Baby H to be born. I know that's a crap shoot because I haven't been having any contractions to speak of. At least none that I can identify as contractions. I wonder what options will be available on my due date in 2 weeks? Will they make me wait it out until I'm overdue? As I type these questions it kind of sinks in that there are only (technically) 2 weeks left in my pregnancy. 2 weeks - that isn't a lot of time when you stop and think about it. That's potentially *only* 2 more weekends for J and I to be a couple. 2 weeks for us to be able to just get up and go whenever we want without a second thought, watch whatever movie we want - basically just DO WHATEVER WE WANT TO DO. Hmmm...